A few weeks ago, our online support groups mused over this request from me:
I wonder: Do you have one question that you seem to ask over and over because you can’t find the right answer? The question may be: Why did this happen to our family? Or, why in the world does my care recipient do that? Or, why in the world does my sibling do that?
Members shared that one question for them:
- “When will my own life begin again, or will I ever have a chance to have my life back before I, too, become old enough to need help and care?”
- “How much longer can I do this? Are there better alternatives? Am I doing it right?”
- “Why do I still let my siblings hurt me?”
I’d love to hear from you: What’s the one question that haunts?
My name is Iliana Gonzalez I am a caregiver for my 77 year old nana, my disabled 55year old husband, my 59 year old father and a mother of three beautiful girls.
My question is did I make the right decision by placing my father in a nusing home facility?
I was overwhelmed with all my resposibilities with no time for myself,spending all my time at doctors appointments and caring for everybody else. My father has epilepsy, memory loss and confusion, right side paralysis, diabetic, has osteoporosis, and needs incontinence care. I was told he needed 24 hr care and is unable to be left alone. I constantly find my father naked in home, insulting my nana, being disrespectful and rude toward my husband. He is always telling me he never asked me to help him and does not need to appriciate anything I do for him. About a month ago he was hospitalized and during his stay at the hospital claimed to be abused and mistreated by me. I was shocked to hear what he said specially after all I have been doing nothing other than care for him. It seems its never enough or appreciated. Not once have I heared my father say thank you or I love u. I was told that i could go to jail and have my girls taken away if a case was to be opened against me. So I decided to place my father in a nursing care facility against his will. I now he is sick and does not know the damage he can cause me by these false statements and I can no longer have my children continue to live in this situation. I have no help and feel no energy left. Did I make the right decision?
Please guide me.
Iliana gonzalez
Hi Iliana–What a heart-breaking situation. I absolutely believe you made the correct decision. You did what’s needed in order to ensure your father receives the care he needs and to protect your family. It’s understandable that you feel so much pain. Please know that you’ve made the absolutely best decision possible in a very difficult situation. I’m glad you talked to us about this. I hope you felt a little better sharing. Best, Denise
I absolutely 100% feel you did the right thing. Our roles now are to keep our loved ones safe and protected but not in any way should our lives be harmed in this process..My answer to Denises question is how do we know the right decision? How do we know if we are acting reasonably or emotionally…emotions take over sometimes. that is why this website is so good because when I feel confused or question myself everyone here helps each other. We all understand…but I think every one of us at some point has questioned things…
Absolutely you made the right decision, Iliana. It was the only decision you could make in light of the situation. I’m sure it is a very painful decision for you, but it was the right decision.
In answer to Denise’s question I too question myself at times as to whether I am acting reasonably and wisely or emotionally. I also have another question. When I had breast cancer I kept track of all of my own chemo and radiation treatments. I also endured the not always so pleasant after effects of cancer treatment, because I knew it was for my good in fighting the cancer. My question is why does my husband not also take more initiative in doing what is good to fight and slow down the progress of his disease? I know sometimes these things are difficult to do, but why would he not take the initiative always to do these things? I know he is in a wheel chair and needs help in many ways, but it is me who makes and keeps track of all of his appointments. It is me also who often has to remind him and sometimes coax and fight him to do the at home things he need to do. Right now I am feeling frustrated and frankly fatigued by it all.
Sharon – thanks for sharing your frustration. I think some people are better organized than others – coordinating and keeping track of everything comes easier to people like you.
I’m not exactly sure what disease your husband has and I guess, truthfully, it doesn’t matter, but could it be that you were just more courageous in facing the facts and taking charge with yours? Perhaps your husband is paralyzed by fear, depression and a feeling of helplessness associated with his situation, and that is manifesting itself as inattentiveness or lack of focus. While for some these situations are motivators, but for others I think it knocks them off of the track and they are floating around with no direction until someone or something lifts them up and sets them back on the track.
I hope this sharing cut your frustration level down a bit.
Take care – let us know how it turns out!
Blessings,
-Derek
Until fairly recently, who I was had all but vanished. Now with the ability to go to church every other week, and choir once a week and even an extra excursion each week it I want it, I had begun to find myself once again and it was great. The question I had in my mind for sometime was, and still is, who will I be, what will I do, and how long will it take, once mom has gone?
Ok, that is a three part question, but they all are intertwined, and waiting the same answer basically. As my son said, it will take baby steps mom, to walk away from the caregiver personna. I write in my blog about transitioning from daughter to caregiver, putting on my caregiver coat…not sure how to take it off again?
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My question – at least for right now – is this:
Why does my husband and his siblings treat me like I am not family when it comes to making suggestions and decisions about my FIL’s care?
I day I married my husband, my FIL and I became family. He has always treated me kindly and I am very fond of him.
I’m a former RN with some experience in elder care, yet almost every time I make suggestions about my FIL’s care, I am either being ignored or told to “bud out of that business, since {I’m} not blood.”
Iliana: I think you most definitely did the right thing. I am so sorry you had to be put in that position. How difficult it has to be…I agree with Denise. It’s heartbreaking. Still, please feel confidant that you did the right thing. I really, truly think you did.
Tanya: Without really knowing that much about your family dynamics, I still want to take your relatives by the shoulders and shake them. What I wouldn’t GIVE for my Grandma’s daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws to care or do ANYTHING at ALL! Your family needs to realize a) that you ARE family, even if not by blood and b) what an INCREDIBLE resource you are to them, being an RN and all.
My advice would be to just openly tell them that you feel that you are family and that you feel that you ARE a good resource (quote me, if you have to) and that you just want to help. Without knowing your full family situation, I’d be surprised if they didn’t open up to you in return. Perhaps it is just the stress of dealing with a change in their father that has them acting this way. If the situation with their dad starts to become more difficult, they will perhaps then be thankful that they have you in their corner.
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