Ask Denise: How Do I Convince My Husband to Travel?

Dear Denise,

My husband is caring for his parents who have 24-hour care in a nursing home.  My problem is that my husband does not feel comfortable traveling to get away and limit his stress. His communicates that he must be available to his folks “if anything happens.” He also feels that when one of them dies he must be available to tell the other how to cope with the situation. How do I provide support to him when I do not see the picture as he does?

Hello,

I can understand your worry about your husband and your wish for him to take a break from the stress. A few thoughts:

1. It’s hard to take break from worry, especially if your husband believes one of his parents will die soon.
2. I worry that perhaps your husband may not forgive himself if he is not home when one of his parents die. Your husband’s presence will not prevent a death, but his absence if a death occurs may affect him greatly.
3. You husband is telling you his values, one of which is being with his parents during an important time for all of them.
4. Given that, I also know that life is for the living.

My suggestions: Tell your husband you want him to be available for his parents, but you also worry that his stress level may cause him greater harm. Ask him: How can you support him now? What can you do to help his stress level?

You can tell him that you respect his values (and love him for them) and that you value time alone with him, that you love him and want to spend time with him. You also can ask: If we took a trip away for the weekend, what can we do to help you feel okay about it? Then, based on what he tells you, work together to develop a plan that he can live with. Work toward a compromise.

For instance, perhaps you decide to go away for just a weekend, somewhere that’s an easy drive from home. Your husband will spend the morning before you leave with his parents, he will provide a cell phone number so the staff can reach him in an emergency. He will also call to check in on his parents in the morning and evening while you are away. If something happens, you will return home.

It may not sound like much of a break, but small steps can increase your husband’s comfort level. You and your husband also can speak with the nursing home social worker, who can offer suggestions on how other families cope with such a difficult situation.

If he continues to refuse to travel, my suggestion would be to leave it be. The harder you push, the stronger he may pull.

Hope this helps.

Related Articles

• Finding, Then Keeping, the Happiness (caregiving.com)