Care recipient: Bette’s mom, Margaret, who suffered a stroke in 2002. Margaret is 84-years-old
Nominated by: Bette, who nominated her family (Read the nominating letter.)
In her words:
When I feel stressed: I take a deep breath, sometimes walk into the other room for a minute. Sometimes I focus on my yellow lab, who is always next to me. Eli somehow knows when I am doing a task that is uncomfortable for a caregiver to do…or for a daughter to do for her parent.
My current challenge is: My mother’s memory challenges, having to repeat so many things, and, even more than that, are her incontinence challenges.
When I have an extra five minutes: I use the “ladies room.”
My mantra is: I have a small sculpture piece taken from Mark 9:35 whose title reflects servanthood. The sculpture is of Jesus bent over washing one of the disciple’s feet. To envision this piece has been uplifting for me and has given me strength. I know we were not promised that life would be easy, but Christ has promised to be with us during the difficult times.
Recommended reading: A devotional entitled: “Strength and Courage for Caregivers” by Terry Hargrave
The legacy I would leave to another family caregiver is: Be sure to take time for yourself and do not feel like you have to do everything. It is good for the person whom you are caring for to have others do things for him or her as well. We utilize Home Instead Sr. Care and I am so glad I have them to call on.
My 2010 goal is: To try and not rush as much, but slow down with my caregiving tasks. Even if that means some things are moved to tomorrow. Also, to do something special each week for myself. To try and help myself become a bit refreshed. Maybe horseback riding.
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Bette Scott begins her day between 7 and 7:30 a.m. with trips between the dishwasher and the washing machine. And then her day becomes the juggling act: kids, mom, kids, mom, mom, kids. She first wakes her three children (Abrah, 13, Rees, 10 and Marah, 7) and then her mom, who moved in with Bette after a stroke in 2002. Then, at 9:30 a.m., school for the kids begins; Bette cyber schools the children, which is “a public school through use of computers,” the 47-year-old explains.
The day ends similar to how it began, with mom to bed first, then the children. Showers end the day, although a new struggle to shower has entered Bette’s care routine with her mom. “It’s a new challenge,” Bette says, “I really have to coax her.”
Bette’s first challenge began after moving her mom in with them, when her youngest was still in diapers. “My mother has always been afraid to be in a nursing home situation, which is why my family and I love that she can be a part of our home,” Bette writes in her nominating letter. The decision didn’t come without difficult moments. Bette’s attention was spread between her mom and her children, which included a nine-month -old bundle. “I didn’t want that joy stolen from me,” she says.
Bette works well with a schedule, which is why she has scheduled two family nights for her, husband Greg and the kids; Game Night takes place on Wednesday and Pizza and Movie Night occurs on Fridays. A date night for Bette and Greg is in the works. Abrah has just begun baby-sitting, allowing Greg and Bette a little more freedom.
Planning time for just herself also is becoming a priority. “I have to,” she says. “Otherwise you forget who you are.” She would like to start taking horse-backing riding lessons, an activity she enjoyed in her younger days.
Part of the day’s schedule is dispensing Margaret’s 30 medications. To make sure her mother takes the correct medication at the proper time, Bette created a system that acts as both a reminder and confirmer. A place mat, one for morning and one for evening, features pictures of each pill so each pill can be matched to its picture.
Caregiving can seem like a seventh member of the family, but it’s helped Bette’s family grow communication-wise. “Communication is so important,” she says. And, it’s helped Bette appreciation her life’s moments. When the five of them can take time to just be by being at McDonald’s, Bette gets a boost. “It’s made me appreciate the little things.”
The tough part of caregiving for Bette is not knowing how well you’re doing at the job. You don’t get a review in caregiving like you would at another job, she says. She’s recently looked to connect with other family caregivers through websites and found great comfort in the commonality of the experience. “Before, I felt like I was on an island,” she says. “Now I know someone is doing just what I’m doing and it’s okay.”
Bette has goals in regard to her mom’s care: She wants her mom to enjoy time out of the house three or four times every week. And, she does her best to spend quality time with her mom when she can. She also recognizes the limits of her time. “I do feel pulled,” she says, “because everyone wants you at the same time.”
Even within the difficulties, Bette encourages others to take on the role of family caregiver. “It is hard to see our parents changing,” she writes. “The role reversal is especially difficult. I try (as I remind our children) to remember that although my mother may seem different on the outside, she is the same on the inside as she has always been. She has feelings, worries and concerns, as we all do. Through this experience, I know our children are learning the valuable lesson of compassion and the importance of family members taking care of one another. I am grateful we can experience these challenges together.”
That’s what makes a family.
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Bette joined us for a live discussion of her caregiving experiences on Your Caregiving Journey on Sunday, January 31, at 1 p.m. CT. You can listen to our interview via the player below.
