I’m a single Mom, late-bloomer, introvert and about 60. I live in St. Louis, Missouri. I am planning on retiring in spring of 2010 after 30 years as a computer programmer. My hobbies are reading, genealogy, reading, fractal art, reading and gardening. Did I mention reading?
At the moment (January of 2010), I am thinking about caring for my mother in my home. I have two children, a son, a daughter at home, and three brothers, one across the state, one about 200 miles away and one here in town. My brothers and their wives are involved in my mother’s care; currently she is living with my younger brother and his wife. My father died in 2007. I am lucky enough to be able to afford counseling, and unlucky enough to have needed it desperately for about 12 years; now I’m on “maintenance”.
That’s my “profile” information. I contacted Denise with an offer to blog about my decision to become a caregiver and what comes after…. After doing a bit of reading on this blog, I realized that I have been a caregiver already for about 2 years, since my father died.
My mother was in the care of my brother across the state and I visited every 6 weeks or so until last summer when the situation there became increasingly untenable. My brother had a stroke several years ago and has become increasingly erratic, so we moved my mother to this side of the state and she has been staying with my youngest brother and his wife. I have been going over at least once a week to help Mom bathe and to take her to lunch, etc., to give my sister-in-law a break. Unfortunately, when she really needs it is during the work-week and I have reduced my leave to a dangerously low level. I am planning on retiring in April and will be able to help more and probably bring my Mom to live with me.
My mother is, in my opinion, depressed. She is on medication for it, but I think she needs some more evaluation on that front. She also has some dementia. How much is definitely difficult for me to tell because of the depression. She is awfully passive, and has been all of her life.
Part of the reason I wanted to blog was all the anger that rose up in me after I took my mother to her doctor’s appointment last time. I felt angry at my father for moving her across the state (about 2003), away from her friends, church and us — all of her interpersonal ties. She didn’t want to go, but he bullied her in a genteel sort of way until she agreed to go. Then she just gave up, I think.
She wants to die, I think. She complains about taking medication, a bath, a trip to the doctor — just wants to sit in her chair and read and do crossword puzzles. She gets up to go to the bathroom, but not often enough, really, and wets herself (depends). She says she doesn’t want to be a burden, but then doesn’t take care of herself and becomes more of one. “Nobody needs me”, she says.
The hell of it is, it is so hard to tell what she can help and what she can’t. Can she help the incontinence? How much is depression, how much true inability? Having been depressed myself, I have some idea of the amount of confusion it can cause.
About my feelings — I think of them as weather — best to be acknowledged, understood and moved past. I grew up repressing everything, so that by the time I expressed or even felt feelings they were pretty serious. After years of therapy, I think I have gotten more in touch with them as they happen — and less good at hiding them. On the whole I think it is better to be in touch with them, but I don’t think that my family, who is still into repressing feelings and putting on a “good face” at all costs, understands that. At any rate, I think my anger at my mother and confusion about her are better off up here in front of me where I can see them.
‘Nuff for now.
Hi Susan! Welcome. I feel so lucky that you will share your days with us here. I do hope the blogging provides a healthy perspective.
Has your mom been evaluated by a Memory Clinic? Many hospitals have Memory Clinics (also called Geriatric Assessment Centers). The staff may be able to help you figure out what she can help and what she can’t.
I’m so glad you’re writing about your anger, which I think everyone can identify with. And, I love how you compare feelings to weather. I’m going to remember that!!
So true…our feelings do fluctuate like weather…things constantly change from day to day as well. Its nice reading your blog Susan. I blog on here also. My 91 year old Mom lives with us ….I also in 2006 opened my home to my aunt…(I didnt have them both at the same time…that good Im not lol). She passed away of leukemia I am 50 and retired from my job this past June as I felt it was too much to care for everyone and work…that helped me a lot. Im learning to try hard to accept hardships and trust god has his plan for me. I had a lot of stuff from childhood to get through also but have…i look to the present…day by day. I think blogging is wonderful therapy for me…and you will make tons of friends in here. We are all in the same boat….I look forward to continue reading your story. Donna