Hello guyz, I hope your New Year has started out as relaxing and healthy as possible. Me, it was cool but I’m writing to need to vent. As you might’ve heard, here around Boston we’ve had 2-3 days of on and off snowstorms, totaling where I live to about 10″.
Through a longtime friend who is also a parental caregiver like me, I was put in contact with a local guy in my mom’s neighborhood who does the neighbors snow shoveling circuit. He’s really nice and I can/am willing to pay him to help me help my mom. My mom’s back way, especially, gets very treacherous with snow drifts and ice, up to the house’s back gate; and between that and frequent snow drifts, it is a pain in the butt to clear out because of the cumbersome way you have to walk yards in any one direction around corners to throw the snow out of the way of paths. A snowblower won’t fit back there.
The guy helped my mom out two days ago. We got lots more accumulation today. While I was out running some errands, and thinking he would probably be in touch with her again, I listen later that my mom leaves me three diatribe voicemail messages how she’s “not going to pay this guy every few days to shovel out her back yard”… I will be honest — not only can I not always be there to shovel at my mom’s exactly when she needs it, because of my job and also needing to shovel myself out before trekking across the city in the snow to where she lives and there aren’t really places to park due to the stuff; but — and yes, I am going to admit it — I do not like or want to shovel, especially when, Murphy’s Law as usually happens in Boston, storms occur almost always over the weekends which are my only free times between work, my own health problems, and now school, to even have a few hours to run errands at CVS or by groceries, let alone be making phonecalls for mom for repairs to the house, or getting my own old car serviced, or else paying her bills online.
I try so hard to be patient with my mother, but although loving and dear to me, she has always been also an extremely combative person. I called her back and tried, tried, tried, but she just kept overriding my words and insisting about this. I attempted to explain that it is my money, and if I couldn’t afford to ask for a shoveler’s help or else I couldn’t find one, then of course I would come down and do what needed to be done when I could, outside of what some other neighbors might kindly volunteer to come over and help with. If I can manage it, what is there for me to feel guilty for in attempting to secure someone’s help in something they are willing to do to help me help my mom not to go out there herself (Italian elderly moms love to try to shovel) and falling and hurting herself??
Finally, I really did just lose it on the phone, and hung up. Then I did call back a few minutes later, just a while ago, and apologized to my mom for yelling and explained that I’m only trying to help because there is just so much time and patience that one only adult child with his own responsibilities, free time, and health problems, can spread around and manage. She really seemed understanding, and we moved beyond this particular encounter — I think I could tell that she realized I was making sense. I really am at the point that sometimes I ponder wanting to explain to my mom that if she doesn’t let me continue to try to strategize smart-solutions to helping me help manage her eldercare, I might need to ask for additional help or turn it over to someone else.
It can be very difficult wanting to reason, or even to help with, a parent whom although you ”love” her, you have always had also a sort of “like/dislike” relationship with. I know the stock answers and that others go through this — but my mom needs to understand that now, finally at 47, it is my turn to need to ask her to be more flexible and let me call more of the shots involving how I help care for her. I cannot and will not do it all by myself, despite of her stubborness, nor let her have her way in situations ending up making her do things herself that result in her falling or otherwise injuring herself — and then REALLY making our lives hell. I refuse to have no free time, or to have to be on-call, for possibly at least the next 10 or so years in my life. It never gets easier — it just keeps on becoming increasingly bizarre and different!
~Apologies in advance for my unintended meltdown! Gary
Hi Gary! Well, 500 tons of snow will test anyone’s patience. It sounds like you handled the situation really well and perhaps you and your mom have a better understanding because of it. You are wise to have help set up and wise to insist on it, no matter how much push back you get.
I’m so glad you vented to us! I hope you feel better. (FYI: I have a post about bizarre going up tomorrow; great minds!) Wishing you a snow-less week.
I agree with your stand on this issue,Gary. As long as your Mom’s needs are being addressed what does it matter that someone else is taking care of her snow? You do have to take care of your own health issues as well.
“It never gets any easier; it just becomes increasingly bizarre and different!”
Truer words have never been stated. And then the back and forth about weighing their needs over your own. And the most fun of all, endlessly agonizing about whether or not you are doing the right thing. A while ago, you said to me not to worry so much if you about what you are doing or not doing, whatever you’re doing, its the right thing; or something to that effect. I offer your words to you. Whatever you are doing or not doing is okay.