On Caregiving.com, family caregivers share their days through their own blogs:
Bette cares for her mom
About Bette: “I live in Pennsylvania with my husband and 3 young children. My mother came to live with us 7 years ago, when our youngest was 9 months old. My mother had a stroke in 2002. The stroke left her with a right side weakness. Presently she struggles with mobility, and word find. She has vascular dementia.”
Gary cares for his mother
About Gary: “I’m 47, caregiver for the last almost 5 years for my elderly widowed mom. Caregiving began over two years prior, assisting mom with my dad when he got sick with cancer. I’ve worked for 7 years at Bunker Hill Community College, as an associate to the Arts & Sciences Division dean in intermediating with student-instructor academic issues, and processing salaries and contracts for adjunct instructors. My only sibling was my brother who passed away 26 years ago, so Mom’s my only immediate family now left. I’m basically happy-go-lucky, enjoying music, nature, cooking, above all laughter, writing, swimming, and old movies — I’ve just been feeling like there’s not been an opportunity for the ‘happiness’ for a long time. But meanwhile, last September I finally went back to school, beginning my Master’s Degree program in Gerontology with Management of Aging Services Track. And I’m glad there’s always caregiving.com, which I have spread the word about to so many friends and work colleagues, many of whom are currently residing alongside me in us Baby Boomers’ so-called ‘Sandwich Generation.’”
G-J cares for her husband
About G-J: “I am a 49-year-old wife and mother. My 55-year-old husband, Steve, and I recently celebrated our 20th anniversary. Together we have a son who will be starting high school in the fall. My caretaking journey began not quite three years ago with an emergency phone call about my mom. Eleven short days later, she was gone and I had inherited my dad who had endured a few surgeries and probably more TIAs than we realized. Two months later he moved in with us, but it was only four months before he wanted to live a bit more independently. We found a nice senior apartment facility nearby where he was able to progress from independent (they took care of all laundry, housework and meals), to being on hospice before he passed away in September. In December, Steve was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, which is where our new story begins.”
Jeff and his family.
Jeff cares for his wife
About Jeff: “I’ve been journeying alongside my wife Heather who has been a warrior fighting Chronic Lymphocytic Leukaemia for the past 10+ years. Heather received a bone marrow transplant November ’09 which has changed our lives dramatically. We have one child and realize that each day is a ‘New Normal.’ We live in Pickering, Ontario-Canada and are actively involved in our community and the Princess Margaret Hospital Foundation where Heather receives on-going treatment and care.”
Jo cares for his parents
About Jo: About Jo: “In my 40’s, I am a widower, single parent to two teenagers and caregiver for my mother and father both of whom are in their 80’s and have dementia. I am also a retired United States Marine which I’m told sometimes comes out in my writing; no profanity though so don’t worry. Grief, parenting, and caregiving are woven together in my journey. My faith in God has been central to my survival.”
Judith cares for her husband
About Judith: Judith cares for her husband, Nelson, diagnosed with cancer six years ago. Judith spent most of her career as a psychiatric nurse in an emergency setting. As she and Nelson negotiate this difficult journey, Judith finds a powerful form of art and expression in her daily conceptualizing and personal presentation of her own form of body art—her outfits. Her blog posts provides updates about Nelson and photos of her art. Judith also has her own blog: Style Crone.
Kathy cares for her husband
About Kathy: “I’m a 48-year-old old full-time wife/caregiver/guardian to my 73-year-old old husband of 29 years. Hubby was diagnosed in October of 2007 with Lewy Body Dementia, which is a dementia with many of the characteristics of Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s.”
Lillie cares for her mother
About Lillie: “I am a 51-year-old mother of two boys, ages 19 and 15. I’m the caregiver to my 83-year-old mother, a five-time stoke victim. For six years, I also cared for her dad, who had Parkinson’s, dementia and was legally blind. My caregiving began as a child with my grandmother, who lived with our family.”
Katie cares for her husband, Bryce
Katie (28) and Bryce (30) are newlyweds living in Nashville. At age 17, Bryce suffered a spinal cord injury that left him a quadriplegic in a manual wheelchair. The diving accident ended aspirations of basketball, rodeo, and ranching. But the support of faith, family, and community sustained an unshakable spirit in him. Katie, a Southern girl at heart with a degree in creative writing, met Bryce in 2007 while she was beginning her career as a literary publicist in Colorado. Bryce works in tax accounting and finance, and Katie continues in publishing and wedding consulting in Tennessee, where the couple wed in 2008. “In our short time together, we’ve faced challenges most marriages won’t encounter in a lifetime. And we wouldn’t change a moment,” says Katie. A feisty cat named Chapter keeps them company.
Meryl cares for her mom
About Meryl: “I am a 48 year old woman who lives in Queens, New York, with my boyfriend and my mom. I have worked as an Office Manager for an Accounting Firm in Manhattan for the past seven years. I have been a caregiver for my mom for many years. She’s had several operations over the years which include carotid arteries and stents. Last year (2009), both of my moms kidneys failed where she now goes to dialysis 3 times a week for the rest of her life. In April 2010 my mom was hospitalized for diverticulitis, otherwise known as a ruptured colon. She was hospitalized for 3 months with her blood pressure going to stroke level several times. In between the times of hospitalization, she was in rehab to get her strength back and recover. Mom was released from the hospital in mid July. She also is in the early stages of dementia. Unfortunately I am on my own handling this as my brother does not get involved unless something happens to her. I am grateful I have found Caregiving.com as an outlet to release my frustrations and not hold it in which is so easy to do.”
Trish cares for her brother
Trish is a freelance writer and full-time Legal Administrator for a wonderful law firm (no, that is not an oxymoron) who coordinates the care of her youngest brother, Robert, who has suffered from uncontrolled epilepsy his entire life. In his mid-40s now, it has taken its toll on his physical and mental abilities and he lives in a residential care facility. Trish has managed to persistently navigate the maze of social services and government programs available to help her brother. Robert finds happiness in simple pleasures, particularly beating his older sister at card games. She can be contacted at robertssister@att.net or through her blog www.robertssister.com.
The Unit Known as Shandi cares for her mom and mother-in-law
About The Unit Known as Shandi: “I am a 48 year old mom of four wonderful grown children, ranging in age from 24 to 36 years old. I’ve been married for 30 years. We have four grandchildren, and another on the way. My favorite pastime is spending time with my grandchildren. My mom is 86-years-old, and requires 24-hour care. I am her primary caregiver, but I have help. We built her a new home right next door to us five years ago, when she was still able to live independently with some help. She is at her home during the day with a paid caregiver, and spends most nights and weekends with me. My sister is my greatest support system with Mom. Health issues of her own (she is 16 years older than I am) prevent her from taking a more active role in Mom’s care, but she is always there to take a day or two for me, or to help with paperwork or phone calls. That is why I chose “The Unit Known as Shandi” for my blog name. Shandi is a combination of our names. Mom has always confused our names (she named us with way to similar of names), but in the past few years she’s begun combining them into Shandi. We actually love it, because we do feel like a team. My husband is very committed to helping with my mom, and supports my desire to keep her out of a nursing home if at all possible.
“Our most recent caregiving adventure is moving my husband’s mother across the country to be near us. She is 79-years- old, with no mobility issues, but has a lot of problems with her memory. Although I help with her as I can, it is hard to be as available as she would like because I am caring for my own mom.
“The hardest part of caregiving for me is the day-in, day-out, hands-on part of it. Build her a house? No problem. But I get restless when I can’t get out and do what I’d like to do. We recently purchased a wheelchair van for her, and that is helping some with feeling so ‘trapped’.”
Additional Blogs
Denise’s blog includes insights and inspirations; Ask Denise offers suggestions to family caregivers inneed. To reach Denise, send her an email. You can read Denise’s bio here.
Would you like to share your story? Email Denise–we’re always looking for new bloggers for our site.
Archived Blogs
We keep the blogs of family caregivers whose carees have died. Our archived blogs include:
CareGiverGuy cared for his mom, who suffered from dementia. (CareGiverGuy’s mom died in January 2011.)
Derek cared for his parents
Dilys, who resides in Brazil, cared for her mom
About Dilys: “I am 54-years-old and live with my mother and daughter. I have been caregiving for many years as I took care of my father until he died in 1995 and am now taking care of my mother. I am a university professor of the English language and literatures and live in Brazil. I don’t have much free time, but I love reading, all kinds of things, and going to street markets.” (Update: Dilys’ mother died in December 2010.)
Donna W cared for her mother
About Donna: “I have been a caregiver for my mom for almost four years. She is over 95 and in the late stages of dementia. My husband and I moved in with mom in November of 2005, the day our home had a fire. She was still able to take care of some things for herself, but that began to change and we did need to be here to care for her.” (Update: Donna’s mom passed away in August 2010.)
Sharon cares for her husband
About Sharon: “I am 62-years-old and I live in a small town in WI. I have been married to my husband for 38 years. We have 3 grown sons, 3 wonderful daughter-in-laws, and seven awesome grandkids. My husband was diagnosed with a serious neurological disease in 2006. It is causing his cerebellum to degenerate. In that time he has gone from still working to a wheelchair. I love singing in church choir, writing, and reading. I also enjoy interacting with children. This year has been slow, but I have been on the substitute teaching list for years. My faith keeps me going during the sometimes very difficult days of caregiving.” (Update: Sharon’s husband died in January 2011.)
Skye and her family.
Skye cares for her husband
About Skye: “I am 30 and currently managing the daily routine of caring for my husband, Chad, who was diagnosed with brain cancer in November 2007. Chad and I married in 2001, shortly after I graduated from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill with a degree in Journalism. We welcomed a daughter in 2003, and then again in 2006. At that time, I quit my job as an advertising account executive to care for my children full time. I’m now a photographer, freelance writer and marketing consultant. I resides in North Carolina with Chad and our two young daughters. My hobbies include photography, writing, cooking and anything crafty. I may be reached by email at skye.lanford@gmail.com. Follow my personal blog at http://thelanfords.com.” (Update: Skye’s husband died in November 2010.)
Tara cared for her mom until her mom’s death in June 2009. Tara regularly posted about her experiences until August 2009.
I am a full time caregiver for my mom with Alzeimers. Reading these other comments and blogs helps me out alot. Thanks to all.
.-= karen´s last blog ..Thick-it or ThickenUp =-.
I am almost 51 years old and have spent the last 7 years helping my Mom who will be 78 in June. I have 3 brothers who for some reason have not stepped up to help me. I get overwhelmed frustrated and just plain mad at them. Am I alone here or what? I have a fantastic husband who has been my only support. We try to do the best we can for Mom always but whenever the brothers come around they have a wonderful way of making my efforts seem useless.
My Mom is an alert and vibrant woman, she’s been independent most of her life until my step dad passed away about 7 years ago. We moved to Oregon to be closer to my brothers and that has proven to be a big joke. They never have time, they look at her as if she’s a burden and I am tired of sharing her with them. I feel like I am being selfish but they don’t see the strain that it has put on me to be the only one all the time. Perhaps there are others out there who can relate to this. I sure would love to know I am not alone in this world dealing with this type of thing.
Thanks for listening, I look forward to reading more posts! Annie
Hi Annie,
No, you are not alone. We (my husband and three children,ages 13,10,and 7)have been caring for my mother for 8 years. At first the fact that my brothers didn’t help, made me very angry and bitter at times. Now, I realize we offered to help after her stroke, they did not. Very hard to understand though, because she is clearly their mother as well. They are concerned for my health because so much is involved with her caregiving, yet they don’t offer to help! I ask for help if absolutely necessary, but try not to ask anymore. Hang in there and know you are not alone. We all here utilizing Caregiving.com are doing a good thing (I sound like Martha Stewart…), knowing this helps, but as my mother has worsened, it is definitely more challenging. We can’t forget the impact we are making in the lives of our carees. I am so grateful for this site, where we can be reminded that we are not alone and there are many caregivers out there that understand what we are going through. The support is such a comfort.
Take Care Annie, Bette
Glad I read this section. Having 4 kids (two grown and away and 2 still at home) and an Alzheimers in’law is incredibly challenging. My wife’s sister is very little help so reading your comments is helpful. I just wish I could get over my own anger and frustrations……….somedays I want to stay at work forever. I know that is not a helpful ting to do or say but I have far too many symptoms of caregiver burnout and just need to vent. Thanks
Hi Glenn! I’m so glad you posted. You remind me… About 10 years ago, a spouse of a family caregiver posted similar comments to yours on our website. He asked if I would start an online support group for the “secondary” family caregiver. I did but the group never quite gained the momentum it needed. I’m not sure if an online support group is exactly what’s needed, but I will definitely give thought as to how we can support you.
We did a talk show yesterday about caregiving and marriage; you can listen here.
Please keep us posted!
Thank you for replying Denise. THis morning was another stressful time in the house. It is hard enough to get the kids and oursleves ready to leave for work/school and then the added stress of getting the caree ready adds to that. We are going to a doctors appointment with her today and see what we can do to help. My mother in law is now in the stage of making faces at all of us when we ask her to do things and even grunting at us. While it is someitmes comical I don;t think my 13 year old daughter understands this. I will listen to your show later today. Thanks again.
Hi Glen,
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I remember when my mother first came to live with us, she was having some pretty serious cognitive challenges. I would take the kids to school and just sit in the parking lot and cry–not wanting to return home…Home is suppose to be our place of respite–as much as it can be amongst caregiving. I urge you to try and plan a night or two a month out with your wife. Even if it involves some pretty intense planning to get it. It will be worth it though. My husband and I have just recently been trying to do this and it is a good thing. Hard to come back into it all, at times, but you can look forward to the next time. (: We use a Home Health Agency in our area called Home Instead. We can use them for times when my mother cannot be alone or needs to go to the doctor, dentist, etc. Sometimes, our times out involve finding care for the kids too, all worth it. It’s hard to have strangers in and out of the house, but the value for me outweighs the “getting aquainted” part of extra help. Take Care and it is important to vent. I am glad you found caregiving.com.
Hi Bette: thank you for the reply. My wife and I do try to find time to get out together but it has been very difficult, Unfortunately we have just lost our in home caregiver that has been picking up my mother in law from daycare and bringing her home so I really understand your comment about “getting acquainted.” I also appreciate your comment about crying in the parking lot….I sit in the driveway before going in the house and just try to take a deep breath before going in. My house is just stressed all too often. Oh well, our cross to bear right????? I will keep reading and replying as the bventing defineitely helps. Thanks again.
My mom was full of energy and life and now eats, sleeps and watches tv. She IS after all 79 and I understand that. It is just hard when someone who you were close to was so lively — isnt any more.
Not having support from siblings definitely doesnt help. I have one sibling that basically said see if insurance could cover support and care.
Logically, I know I am not alone, just feels that way.
What I did was purchase an ancestry book with questions that she and I are going to go over. It will give me and the rest of my family background information and maybe she’ll feel good too talking about past relatives and such.
So we will see
Hi Don–It’s great to meet you! Yeah, it can feel like you’re alone so remember that we’re here. That’s a great idea about the ancestry book–it’s wonderful to have her life story. Will you keep us posted on how it goes?
Hi Don…I am doing the same with my mom..I purchased a book a mothers legacy and we too are going through the quesitons. It is a nice way to connect and for me to understand mom a bit better at time. I am a huge journaler myself and now will have moms story to add to it…some of the questions even bring back memories for me and I answer some about my life as well…good luck..I hope you find this as enjoyable as I have been….
Hello
I think it also helps with Mom’s memory. AND makes her feel good too remembering way back when – which – makes me feel better that we have that connection again for a little while.
Am also going to take the information and put it together for my kids so they know, not only their grandmother a bit better, also their own ancestry.
Anne, my prayers are with you. My mother had a stroke in 2008 and was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 2009. Believe me, you are not alone and I can relate. I have a younger
brother that will call every now and then to check on mom. I have an older brother that will call without being reminded to do so.
My sister and I are the primary caregivers of my mother. You have heard of the cliché’-out of sight, out of mind. Your brothers know you’re spent. Sometimes we see what we want to see. I’m praying that the LORD will give you strength and patience. Hang in there Anne!
.-= D J´s last blog ..Rainy Day Feelings =-.
Annie, No, your not alone. I am 57 and my Mom, age 78, had a stroke 4 years ago. She also was very independent, working an outside job full-time raising 5 children all her life. Dad passed on in 1993 with lung cancer. Mom is also a diabetic on insulin 3 times a day. Since her stroke, she requires 24/7 care. My wonderful husband, and my only support, moved her into our home, put our lives on hold, to make sure she had the best care for the rest of her life. My older brother, age 58, does not help in her care, nor does he call to even check on her or to ask if there is anything he can do to help. My younger sister, age 50, has a drinking and drug problem, which my Mom does not need to deal with, and my younger brother, age 51, lives in Florida, and chooses not to contribute to Mom’s care either. The other younger brother died in 2006, the same year as Mom’s stroke. They all act as if she is already dead.
If it wasn’t for my husband and I, Mom would have been placed in a nursing facility, and would have withered away by now. The care we have given her is so rewarding, but I also get down right mad that my siblings don’t remember that she is their Mom too and all that she did for them when they needed it. I have never forgotten and know that some day we will be rewarded for the love we gave our Mom. All my strength, I got from my Mom. I truly believe caregivers are angels from heaven.
Wishing you and your husband the best.
Teresa
hi , I cared for my dad who had cancer for two years , and now I am here with mom everyday cuz she can’t live alone anymore and I want this part of her life to be the best it can be. I really relate to your feelings about your siblings . I don’t get much help at all and I don’t get any recognition either. I don’t want to end up bitter and resentful any tips on how to not brood about the other kids not helping
Hi Annie–Welcome! I’m glad you found us. Our visitors and bloggers often talk of the frustration of trying to work with other family members. It’s a common and frustrating experience. Please know you are not alone. And, this article may help: The Six Myths of Caregiving. We look forward to getting to know you better!
I am not sure this is the place for me. My husband is not officially disabled. He has had undiagnosed severe back pain for 8 years. Recently a new nerve pain in his feet has made is mobility even more restricted. He still works and provides well for our family. We have two kids (8 yrs, 5 yrs) and I am a stay at home mom who is starting her own business.
I have been finding it harder and harder to provide care for our two very busy kids while accepting that after returning home from work my husband is immobile. If he drops something (i.e. a pencil or scrap of paper) he doesn’t pick it up because it is painful. But he leaves it there, doesn’t ask for help and I have to clean it up, when I stumble upon it, along with the kids’ stuff. He does not/cannot do dishes or help with any chores.
I have grown very resentful and I am seeking support and solutions.
Thank you for your time.
Hi Tova, I think you do belong here, too! What’s most important, though, is that you found and decided proactively to contact this great Website. Anytime any of us find ourselves juggling our own lives and dreams with responsibilities to other loved ones who can no longer completely help themselves for help reasons, then that IMHO is a caregiver…and the caregivers need support, love, understanding and rights just as much as their care experiencers do, too. I think heroes and successes are people who seek out assistance, because they make solutions to their obstacles and find happiness on the other sides of them.
Gary in Boston
Hi Tova! To me, the common denominator here is the feelings you experience (rather than a diagnosis of a family member). The resentment you express is a very common emotion and the desire to try to feel better is one of our universal pledges. We have an online support for spouses that may be helpful to you. The members are caregiving because of a variety of reasons, but all are doing their best to make the best of upsetting situations. You can learn about our group here. I look forward to getting to know you better! Best, Denise
Thank you. I realize that by seeking support, I am lifting the veil of denial. With that I am seeing more clearly his restrictions and I am angry. I have to admit that merely talking about it feels better, albeit sad. I am grateful for this forum.
Wow–that’s really insightful. I’ve never heard it expressed that well before. When you lift the veil, it can be sad, heart-breaking and maddening. Please keep us posted.
Like Tova, I’m not sure where I belong or what it is exactly I am looking for. I am 54 years old, my 55 year old husband had a ruptured aneurysm two years ago. Miraculously, he survived. However, now after rehabilitation, speech therapy, physical therapy, he is home all day long while I work outside the home. His short term memory is non-existent, he used to be so confident and self-assured, he used to be able to motivate himself to do and try new things. Now he spends most of the day in bed. At night, he is up and down all night long – usually going to eat a snack in the kitchen. Sometimes, late at night he gets very confused and will say things that are really off the chart. Or if I tell him ‘I love you’, he says that he is flattered but he doesn’t feel he knows me well enough to offer any sort of commitment like that. I realize that his brain is injured and that it really isn’t him that says these things. It’s hard to not miss him the way he used to be. If I could, I would stay home with him and help him become accustomed to a ‘new’ way of living. He misses working, feeling productive, etc. He wants to drive again (which scares me because of his focus and attention). He used to be a wonderful ‘home fix it’ man but when I suggest things now, he either forgets or is not interested. I’m often exhausted and lack any energy when I get home from work to do much of anything with him. I apologize if I come across as a whiner because that is how I view it! I suppose it helps to have someone to just say it to. My sister was my support when this happened two years, however, she passed away from breast cancer in 2008. I thank you for this opportunity to ‘get it all out’!
Hi Nancy–Oh, wow, have you had some rough times. I’m so sorry about your husband and your sister! As I read your note, I kept thinking: What a kind, resilient and thoughtful person.
We do have an online support group for spouses; you can learn more here. Our members range in ages from 40s to 60s. And, one of our bloggers, Skye, cares for her husband–they are both in their early 30s. And, Sharon, who is an active member of the site and member of the spouse’s group, cares for her husband. She’s an awesome supporter. 
So, please come back and let us know how you’re doing. We’re always ready with a loving ear.
Nancy, It is so difficult when your husband is not the person he used to be. I know, because I am experiencing that with my husband also. His decline physically from still working to a wheelchair in a few short years is hard enough, but it is the lethargic negativity and the other changes in personality that get to me. Know we are here for you.
I’ve been a caregiver for over a year now. I can say that this job has been the most difficult and rewarding job. I retired from teaching in Dec. 2008. To be honest, I resent leaving, but in life things never really go as planned. The cliché’ if you want to make God laugh, make plans.
I am one of the primary caregivers for my mother. My father died a year ago from cancer (2009). My mother had a stroke in March 2008 and was later diagnosed with Parkinson’s. It definitely has not been easy. I look forward to my days off. My sisters and I take turns caring for my mother. My pray is to ask Christ for strength, love and patience!
My days are bright when my mom can recall details or events. Even though my mom has had a stroke she still remembers some things. My mother will ask why she is sick and when will things change. I told my mother that I don’t know why, but we know Christ is still on HIS’ throne. I told her that we will at understand it better by and by. It’s funny, I read that a caregiver stated that it takes 1 mother to take care of 7 children, but it takes 7 children to care for their mother.
.-= D J´s last blog ..Rainy Day Feelings =-.
DJ,
Hi
Your sentence about 7 children to care for their mother actually, in a strange way, makes me feel a little better.
As much work as the caretaking is, it is almost like you are not doing it alone. I don’t know.
Don
i am maggie. i take care of my husband jim. i have cared for him for 15 yrs. he has early onset parkinson disease. jim has been an emotionally abusive spouse. the abuse began even before we married 38 years ago.. his abusive behavior has been championed by his family. he is using the name paranoid schizophrenic as a new name for me.
i became disabled two years ago. now his disability continues to worsen. i have little help in caring for him and once in a while i get a little bit of help from our children.
i know that there is a lot of advice out there. I know because I was an RN before becoming diabled. seriously now that I need help; i have no idea what to do
Hi Maggie–I’m glad you reached out. Please contact your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for help. You can find the agency nearest you by searching here: http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Home.aspx.
Please keep us posted.
Hi I am Caroll. I have been caring for my Mother for 8 years. Sheis 93. She is in fine health but goes to Dr. all the time for something. Once a month it is an ER visit because she is sure she is dying. She is bitter and tells me I am a bad caregiver. I live with her and try my best. I have no time away from her. I do all the cooking, cleaning, yardwork, etc. Because she is healthy we don’t qualify for help which would give me time away from the house. I am 66 and feel I have wasted my life. I promised my Dad I would take care of her just before he passed away and it is getting harder and harder to live up to that promise. All her friends have died and she won’t go to a senior center – She tried it for a few months and it was wonderful for me, but she ended up hating it. I have no friends, no social life and would give anything to go on a small vacation. I just can’t understand why she can’t feel blessed to have what she has. When I read your blogs I feel realize that at least my caretaking job is not physically hard, just mentally draining. I will keep checking in to read all the stories. It makes me feel less alone. Thank you.
welcome to my world caroll….my mom is 91 and is in relatively good health also…she had a heart attack almost three years ago but has been doing incredibly well. I actually was on the last table talk we break for summer and I was speaking about how hard it is for me as I am her sole entertainer…if we dont bring her, she really doesnt go. My mom does go to one small ladies group here and there….but that is pretty much it. I am trying so hard to find a caregivers support group here in queens…not easy to find at all…so Im so thankful and blessed for this forum. I know you will get lots of help from everyone here….
welcome….we hope you keep coming and and talking with us. we love meeting new friends!!!
Thank you for the reply. I have been thinking of this blog all night and know that I will check it out every chance I get. My Mom had a reaction to an antibiotic the dr put her on and she will spend the night in the hospital. I am glad she is getting treatment and feel guilty that I have one night to myself. Why do we feel so guilty for having time to ourselves? I haven’t had a vacation in 5 years and this is only the second night I have had to myself in that time and yet there is guilt. I need to find a way to overcome this. Any suggestions what I can tell myself? Thanks.
Hi Caroll–We’ve got several articles about guilt and a few talk shows; you can view them here: http://www.caregiving.com/tag/guilt/
Your mom is in good hands. You deserve the time to relax and enjoy. How would you like to spend the evening?
you know what i tell myself…she had 91 wonderful years…i am 51 and deserve a little bit of a life as well…im a good daughter for opening my home as are you…..
today i left her for two hours….i went to the library and then for a pedicure and to duncan donuts for an iced coffee…i brought her back donuts as a treat….but i left for a little while…we dont go on vacations as I cant leave her for that long. I jsut cant pick up and go…I can however leave for a while and do something for me. Mom was very quiet when I returned but I just chatted with her…I made coffee and asked her what kind of donut she wanted…her being quiet is not my fault….dont feel guilty….your doing everything right…..
Welcome to our ever increasing group of caregivers here Caroll. I have been caring for my mom for over 4 years now. She is 96 and in the last stages of dementia, bed-bound and 100% care. Feel free to share, ask questions whatever you need, we will do our best to help!
Howdy from central Texas! We at Hill Country Care Providers (http://hillcountrycareproviders.com) are looking to find some like-minded companies and individuals across the country to confer with regarding eldercare, in-home geriatric practices, and with whom to simply share general health tips. We’re all in this together–competition, borders, and profit margins all seem rather insignificant when you consider the people whose well-being is at stake. Happy Holidays–and keep on keepin’ on!
Also, three cheers to CareGiving.com for organizing the Holiday Progressive Blog Party! What a great idea to bring people together.
I was listening to Holly and she was telling us how she is keeping Christmas simple. I have done the same. I put out my Christmas Teddy bears. I work at our Church thrift shop once or twice a month and picked up stocking stuffers. I am less stressed and I also going to watch what I eat and not have junk in the house, I call it red light food, if it is not here I won’t eat it. I now can spend time without all the hassle helping my friend with dementia. Merry Christmas to all the caregivers.
It is so good to have this site. My friend with Primary Progressive Aphasia with dementia changes daily. He wants and says something one day and the next day he doesn’t remember saying or doing any of it. So, I now let that day go and remind myself today is a new day. When he goes on a rampage, I keep my patience by repeating myself “peace, peace, peace” I will not get any peace from him, but I know I get my peace from God.
Hello,
My mother and I took care of my grandmother in her end of life journey. Its very hard to loose yourself in the daily tasks that are required of you by the person you are caring for. As hard as it is to step away for even a little bit its something you have to do to give yourself a break so that you can continue to care for the person you’re helping. I really great resource I found was a book called Peaceful Passage. It gives insite to utilizing hospice and their volunteers, ways to care for yourself and for your loved one. It really helped us as we cared for my grandmother.
Hi…I’m a 70 and care for my husband who is end stage renal disease and has been on dialysis for the last three years. He is getting harder to handle and falls easily. It has been the test of my life to be able to do this. Amazingly, I am doing a good job.
I have been taking care of my mom for almost 5 years since the love of her life, her second husband died. She has kind of been a lost soul since then and had been living in their same apartment for 30 years. I had arranged to get Medicaid for her so she has home health care workers but she was all alone at night, no staff at her senior apt. complex.
In August I moved her to an independent living facility which is beautiful and provides 24 hour staff so that if she needs someone at night, she just pushes a button and they come. But she is very lonely and starting to forget things, which at her tender age of 97, is not surprising.
She has two terrific health care workers who are there 8 hours a day and she is still able to be on her own at night.
I am struggling with a fear of losing her and a guilt about moving her away from what was familiar and also that I can’t visit her more since she lives in CT and I live in NYC.
She forgets that I call and come twice a month and has told her aide that I don’t care about her and that I am spoiled. I told the aide not to tell me those things. But she says things like to “just drop her in a box”.
I have no siblings but many close friends who are very, very supportive, calling, giving advice and encouragement. What would I do without those friends.
I am pretty strong, optimistic, still working and active in the theater, acting. Since I moved her I have been trying to get back to my own ife, which is a very active one but the responsibility of being on my own with her welfare in my hands is quite daunting.
Can anyone suggest any source of help. I’m not religious and kind of depend on myself and friends for guidance.
Love to hear from you.
Roberta
Hi Roberta, Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I know others will have suggestions for you.
One thought: In addition to your visits and your phone calls, can you also send your mom cards and letters? It might help both of you to know she has visible reminders of your love and support.
I think many struggle to balance the weight of caregiving with the need to continue living your life. You can check with the Area Agency on Aging in NYC about local support groups for family caregivers; here’s the organization’s website: http://www.nyc.gov/html/dfta/html/home/home.shtml
The agency also may have counselors available to help. You also can hire a life coach–I’m one and coach family caregivers on a variety of issues, including how to balance caregiving and life and let go of guilt. You can send me an email (denise@caregiving.com) if you’d like to schedule a free session to see if coaching is right for you.
Please continue to stop by and share.