Posted by
Denise on Jan 1st, 2010 in
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Donna: I could not agree more with you. I have been taking care of my parents for nine years and I can tell you that the role reversal has indeed changed. I believe it’s a fact that the older a parent becomes, the more they regress and act like children – thus Parenting my Parent(s). Keep up the good work. You are a blessing to those of us who need your support.
Thank you for your comment Carol! There is value in both sides of this debate, but the way I feel and look at it, will not be swayed. As I have stated in other comments, they are just words, it is the attitude of the heart that counts and will make the difference.
.-= Donna Webb´s last blog ..Donna’s Soap Box! =-.
I’ve been a caregiver for over a year now. I can say that this job has been the most difficult and rewarding job. I retired from teaching in Dec. 2008. To be honest, I resent leaving, but in life things never really go as planned. The cliché’ if you want to make God laugh, make plans.
I am one of the primary caregivers for my mother. My father died a year ago from cancer (2009). My mother had a stroke in March 2008 and was later diagnosed with Parkinson’s. It definitely has not been easy. I look forward to my days off. My sisters and I take turns caring for my mother. My pray is to ask Christ for strength, love and patience!
My days are bright when my mom can recall details or events. Even though my mom has had a stroke she still remembers some things. My mother will ask why she is sick and when will things change. I told my mother that I don’t know why, but we know Christ is still on HIS’ throne. I told her that we will at understand it better by and by. It’s funny, I read that a caregiver stated that it takes 1 mother to take care of 7 children, but it takes 7 children to care for their mother.
I am in the beginning of caring for my ill boyfriend. We have been together for 4 years. I’m 42. He’s 48. He has heart issues and is morbidly obese. I’m just so confused. We aren’t married. I love him like crazy. His quality of life is decreasing. He’s eating himself to death it seems. I have to watch and i’m not sure how to help him. He told me today that he could not make love to me because it was too difficult for him. I’m just crushed. I feel so selfish saying that. I didn’t picture my life this way. I’m resentful. All of these feelings are so cusfusing
I have to work, but I can’t focus on my work. I have been a caregiver for my wife (cancer) for 11 years. She is back on chemo now, and I can barely function. I thought I had learned how to tough it out, but I guess I was wrong. Every day I look for enough distractions to keep me busy until bedtime. How long can this go on without me losing my income and insurance ? I don’t know. I know I need to find a way to focus, but the anxiety and depression just beat on me all day. I tried pills (didn’t help) I am seeing a great counselor, but the day to day worry is winning the battle. Every day I fail to step up. I just don’t care about the details an stupid little duties of my work. I stare at my wife, and wonder if she is still breathing.
Has anyone found a way to overcome these kind of feelings, and the way they wreck a person’s ability to focus?
Tom, I read your three posts and had to stop and breath deeply, not because they were so overwhelming but because they were so similar to my own experience.
You’ve been doing this for 11 years. You know better than I that there is no magic pill, no single remedy short of a miracle which will make everything better. You wouldn’t trust anyone who offered a simple remedy. I dare not insult you with one either. To survive this long you had to identify what needed to be done and ignore things which could be ignored. You probably felt in many cases that those choices were in fact made for you but never-the-less that is what you did. The way ahead involves more of the same. Doing what needs to be done, what can be done, setting aside the rest for now.
Like Denise I’m glad you’ve found this site. It can do two things for you (1) give you a place to vent where you won’t be judged, or put down. I’d encourage you to join one of the email lists but wherever you land post…post often; (2) inform you of others who are on a similar road as you, giving you the important realization that you are not alone, and actually there is a third item; (3) introduce you to some pretty awesome fellow caregivers. They give good advice but more importantly they listen well.
Our kids are incredibly resilient. Doesn’t mean they won’t bear scars from this experience but just as the “Greatest Generation” became that way AFTER going through the greatest hardships, our kids, with help, can ride through these storms and come out at the end, a ‘greatest generation’ of their own.
My bona fides: I’m in my late forty’s, a widower, single parent of two teenagers, and caregiver for my mom and dad both of whom have significant dementia (Thanksgiving my dad asked me about my death and funeral, Sunday my mom decided I was her younger brother). Do I know what you’re feeling? NO! No one can tell you that but our paths have enough common touch stones that I can well sympathize and imagine your pain. Your journey mirrors much of my own.
Hi Tom–I’m so glad you’ve stopped by the site. More importantly, I’m so sorry about all that’s happened with your family. Your worry is so understandable. I would imagine it’s a worry about how you’ll manage the worst thing(s) that can happen. It sounds like you are doing your best every day. The worry, though, can cloud that fact. I know the other visitors will offer suggestions on how they manage the 24/7 worry. I hope you’ll keep coming back and continue to share. We all understand.
Thanks Denise and Jo,
I guess yesterday was a not good day for me. However, instead of just wasting time, I managed to vent on a couple of blogs, and although I didn’t really think it was helping, the messages of encouragement I found today really did help. Today is a good day. Whew ! I love good days ! My wife woke me up early with a smile and kisses. Yesterday I was watching her to see if she was still breathing. I know I am not alone ( I just have to keep telling myself that, over and over). That not-aloneness helps so much. People who are in our situation DO understand, and that is so completely clear from their comments. Here is what I learned from all my sadness yesterday: compassion is for me, too. There are people out there who I may never meet, who love me, and want the best for me and my family, for real. They care. I can’t tell you how grateful that makes me feel, but there is a tear on my cheek right now. I practice compassion for everyone, but I guess it had not really hit me before that others are practicing compassion for me. Thank you all so much. Know that my deepest, kindest thoughts, hopes, wishes, and prayers are with you all, always.
Hope, Love, Peace, and Freedom from suffering to all.
And more good days !
Hurray!! I’m so glad to hear this. I hope you will keep us posted. We’re invested in your good and bad days.
(And, I think the worst part of bad days is that they seem like they will last forever. It’s good to know that they don’t.)