(Editor’s Note: On Sunday, Terri, one of our website visitors, shared a worry in the comment section of our article about leaving and leaving behind the guilt. With Terri’s permission, we include her question and my suggestions in today’s Ask Denise column.)
Dear Denise,
I have taken care of my mom and dad for the past almost 10 years (my dad died 1 year ago) and now I must relinquish that responsibility due to her inability to stay alone while I work. At her last hospitalization, she was diagnosed with an aggressive lymphoma for which, due to her heart health, aggressive treatment can not be done. I have huge guilt feelings about placement in nursing home but at the same time I know she is being well cared for. How do you walk away without the guilt when she appears fine and is extremely angry with me about where she is?
Hi,
What a rough road for you and your mom this last year. While grieving your dad, you find out really upsetting news about your mom. And, then, because of this news, you have to make a really difficult decision. It would be nice if you could get a break with some good news.
A few thoughts for you:
It’s okay that your mom is angry. It may seem she’s angry with you but she’s much angrier at her disease, her circumstances, her twist of fate. But, how can you be mad at something you can’t see or hear or touch? It’s much easier to be angry at you because you’re a tangible target.
When she expresses her anger, acknowledge and emphathize, but don’t take it on as your own. You can say, “I understand how difficult this situation is, Mom. Given all the losses you’ve experienced this year, it’s understandable that you feel so angry.” Then, give her a few moments to vent.
After a few minutes, tell her: “I wish it were different, too. I know you’re doing your best to adjust. I’m so grateful for every minute we have together. Let’s talk about this weekend. How do you want to spend Saturday?”
Often times, when we’re angry we just want someone to say: Given all that’s happened, you deserve to feel angry. If someone tries to minimize or diminish our anger, it just adds more fuel to the anger fire.
When you leave her, simply say, “I love you, Mom. I’ll call you tomorrow and see you tomorrow night (or whatever your calling/visiting schedule will be). Thank you for all you do for me.”
I think it’s hard to leave your mom without feeling any emotion. So, when you leave, acknowledge to yourself that you leave with sadness. It is such a sad situation! Give yourself time to feel that sadness. And, find a way to let it out. Ask the nursing home social worker if the facility has a support group for family members. Talk to family members and friends. Tell us here. Write about it in a journal.
Do you best to fight the guilt. If she lived with you, you would feel guilty for leaving to go to work. If she lived in her own apartment, you would feel guilty that she lived on her own and not with you. There’s so much to feel guilty about–which is why I hope you’ll let yourself off the hook.
On Sunday, Bette Scott, who cares for her mom, talked about her guilt on Your Caregiving Journey talk show. As Bette said during the show, feeling the guilt keeps you from enjoying the here and now. You’ve ensured your mom receives the care she needs. You advocate for her. You take care of her. You are doing what’s right and necessary even though it’s really hard. Focus on the time you have with her. Don’t let guilt rob you of that.
Please be sure to keep us posted.
If you or your caree are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.
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