Ask Denise: Is the Guilt About Self-Esteem?

Dear Denise,

I’ve been reading the recent discussion about guilt. I do schedule time away from my caree, but feel guilty for doing so—even though I know I want and need the time away.

I wonder: Is feeling guilty related to self-esteem?

Hello,

What a great question.

The short answer: Yes.

Let’s break it down.

Here’s the good about your guilt: Your ability to feel guilty shows your great capacity to feel for another. You can appreciate another’s pain or sadness or loneliness; you can put yourself in another’s shoes. Your caring is a good virtue.

It can become a problem, though, if you seem to care more for others than you do for yourself or if your guilt seems to get in the way of you living your life (when you can, given the constraints of caregiving).

Here’s the definition of guilt:
1. the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2. a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3. conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.

Consider the second definition: A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Hmmm….

Let’s say you’re taking a break you want to take*, you’ve put back-up care in place, you’ve provided solutions to all anticipated problems, and you’ve created a phone tree of persons who can be contacted in case of an emergency.

But, when you leave, you still feel guilty. What offense could you have committed?

It could be you feel guilty because you will enjoy a life outside of caregiving when your caree cannot really enjoy a life outside of a disease process (or frailty or permanent injury). Your offense, truly, may be that you are healthy enough to enjoy an activity, a vacation, an experience.

Is that really an offense worthy of that awful feeling of guilt?

So, what could keep you in a place where thoughts such as “I don’t deserve to have this time away because I don’t deserve to have health” live? Yep, a lack of confidence. So, when a caree says, “I don’t know how you can feel good about leaving me here while you traipse around the city,” you’ll think, “Oh, he’s right. I don’t deserve this time away.”

Seems kinda nutty, doesn’t it?

If you come from a place of confidence, you may be able to say, “I am taking this break because I deserve time for just me. I work hard–I deserve a break.” And, when your caree says, “A good daughter would stay here with her mother in her time of need,” you can say, “I am a good daughter. I’ll be back tonight about 10 p.m. I’ll stop by your room to say ‘Good Night’.”

When our self-esteem takes a dip, we leave more room for others to fill it with their own baggage. When we’re not feeling good about ourselves, we open the door for others to plunk down their own luggage of self-doubt in our room. Their own dirty laundry—insecurities and lack of confidence—spills over and adds to our own.

Worse: When we’re low, we often allow others to dictate how we feel.

When we’re full, we own our own emotions.

Believe in your own goodness. Believe that you make good decisions about your own needs and wants. It’s okay if others can’t be happy for you or support you. That’s their choice. You choose otherwise.

Resources:

• Ending the Happiness Conflict

• Ask Denise: How Do I Walk Away Without the Guilt?

*Please note that you’ll have times during your caregiving experience when others will encourage you to take a break and you know it’s not the time to take a break. In this article, we’re only referring to the times you’ve made plans to take a break and it’s a break you really want. For a perspective on those other times, please read these articles:

• Ask Denise: How Do I Convince My Husband to Travel?

• Choosing Our Time

• Ahhh… It’s About Keeping the Caregiving

Related Articles

• Feed the Passion You Hunger for (caregiving.com)
• Ask Denise: How Do I Deal with the Endless Demands? (caregiving.com)
• Moving from Venting to Feeling (caregiving.com)
• Can You Feel Better? (caregiving.com)

Tags: guilt, happiness