Ask Denise: Should Mom Come Home to My Home?

Dear Denise,

I’m not really sure how to work myself around the site yet. However, I wanted to tell you my story and ask for some advice. My mother that had a massive stroke last year. It left her paralyzed on her dominant side and considerable amount of brain damage. She also shows signs of Alzheimer’s.

She is currently in a nursing home and very, very depressed. I want to bring her home to take care of her; however, I have no skills. I plan on taking a CNA course to help me understand a little more about the nursing side of things. I am currently researching everything to find out all my options.

My house is not equipped for handicap and we are living on a very limited budget. My husband is very apprehensive, but my heart goes out for my mother and I want to do as much as I can to make her life a little happier. My question for you is how and where do I start with preparation to bring her to my home. I spoke with her doctor to see what he felt about her mental condition and he seems to think it is too much for any one family member to handle. I see there are many individuals on your site that is dealing with this every day. Can you give me any suggestions and advice about this situation? Thank You.

Hello,

First, I think you are very wise to investigate your decision as much asyou can. And, you (and your husband) will ultimately be the best judge of how much you can manage.

Some suggestions:

1. Schedule an appointment with the social worker at the nursing home. Explain that you are considering taking your mom home. What, if any, programs and services could help you if you decide to do this? Does your mom qualify to receive any help in the home? (You also can search to find out here: www.benefitscheckup.org.) Also ask: If you bring your mom home, but decide it’s best that your mom return to the nursing home, how quickly could your mom be re-admitted? A back-up plan will be really
important–just in case.

2. Ask the social worker to schedule times you can shadow the staff as they care for your mom. Watch the CNAs and therapists as they provide hands-on care with your mom. How comfortable are you in taking on these duties? How quickly could you learn what’s necessary? You are smart to take a CNA class; this real-world view will help with your decision.

3. Schedule a time to meet with the physical and occupational therapists in the facility. Ask for their suggestions in equipment and devices that can help in caring for you mom. And, ask for their input: What will you need and need to know to make this work?

As you gather the information, share what you learn with your husband. Be sure to listen to his concerns and weigh his objections in the decision.

These articles will be helpful:

One Household for All? To Combine or Not to Combine:
http://www.caregiving.com/read/one-household/

Three’s Company: You, Your Spouse and Caregiving:
http://www.caregiving.com/read/threes-company/

Telling Your Truth so You Can Form Your Team:
http://www.caregiving.com/read/truth-team/

You sound like a very thoughtful person, which means you make thoughtful decisions. As you move forward, keep in mind your back-up plans and allow for adjustments and modifications. And, consider this question: Where will your mom receive the most appropriate care? Wherever that may be, your loving care will be a blessing and a necessity.

Please let me know what happens.

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Stumped by an on-going struggle? Searching for meaning in your journey? You’re not alone! Family caregivers ask Denise M. Brown, Editor and Publisher, Caregiving.com, for her insights and suggestions to their caregiving conundrums. Have a question for Denise? Just e-mail her. Denise will do her best to answer questions within 24 hours.

If you or your caree are in a crisis, we urge you to call a health care professional immediately for assistance. Denise only provides general insights about general situations. You should always consult your own lawyer, financial planner, health care professional and other professional advisors for advice specific to your situation.

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Tags: difficult decisions, guilt, nursing home