Au Contraire: We Can’t Kill with Kindness

In a recent Huffington Post article, Jason Marsh writes about a new book “The Compassionate Instinct” that he’s edited with Dacher Keltner and Jeremy Adam Smith.

Marsh writes that our kindness toward others is also a kind act toward ourselves. He writes: “For example, neuroscience suggests that when we give to others, our brain shows heightened activity in the nucleus accumbens, a region known to have many dopamine receptors and process rewards; in other words, kindness really is its own reward. Moreover, kindness is contagious: research finds that when we offer modest expressions of gratitude–the simple ‘thank you,’ smile, or warm gaze–we prompt other people to reciprocate the kindness toward us and toward others.”

Yesterday, on Your Caregiving Journey, we talked about using kindness to help manage the guilt you feel when you return to your caree after a break. Rather than meet your caree’s anger or resentment with more anger or resentment, love them through his or her difficult moments. (You can listen to the show via the player at the bottom of this post.)

We also spoke about Donna Webb’s question which has become this week’s poll: As a family caregiver, do you feel invisible?.

I can think of three reasons you may feel invisible (if you have more, please feel free to share in our comments section):

1. I believe caregiving causes withdrawal–it’s so sad, sometimes gross and often isolating. When you withdraw, you can feel invisible.

2. Non-caregiving friends and family just can’t understood. Family and friends may know about your experience, but they just can’t understand. When you feel mis-understood, you feel invisible.

3. The confusion of the experience can seem to catapult you into an alternative universe. Everyone seems the same, but caregiving changes you. Adjusting to the changes can cause feelings of displacement (do I belong here?), which may make it see that you are invisible.

I’ve been listening to a song I loved when I was a young adult: Achin’ to Be by The Replacements. The beginning of the song includes this line:

Thought about not understood, she’s achin’ to be.

The song ends with this line:

Thought about and only loved, she’s achin’ to be.

As a family caregiver, you also ache to be. You also are visible to us. We see you.

And, arrive everywhere loved.

Related Articles

• Even If a Choice, It’s Still Difficult (caregiving.com)
• This Saturday on Table Talk: What Would You Change? (caregiving.com)
• Can You Feel Better? (caregiving.com)
• 7 Depression Busters for Caregivers (psychcentral.com)