On February 13th, I posted a short rhyme. I won’t call it a poem because it does not evoke any type of pleasant feeling for me. I decided to explain that rhyme and share a bit more on the disappointments behind it.
Some family members came to visit mom, the visit was somewhat strained and I had to initiate most conversation. These are family members who have not been to see mom in years, except they did stop once when she was napping so didn’t actually get to spend time with her.
Now, I get that a 95-year-old woman in a wheelchair, rocking back and forth and sideways and drooling…is not very entertaining, and actually down right, well repulsive is too harsh a work, but you get the idea. But they are family, not friends or acquaintances, but family. One of them didn’t even sit down during their time here, preparing for a hasty retreat I would imagine.
I don’t usually write about the family because I don’t want to ruffle feathers, but sometimes you just have to step out and say something. Like I have told people, it isn’t just about coming to see mom either, it is about coming to see me and have some interaction with me too. I told my brother one day, when he said mom didn’t talk when he would come over and I said, “Yes, but I do!” So, he will sit and visit with me a bit when he comes to drop off her nutritional drinks. But you know, he never asks about me or mom. I have to force feed him facts about myself and my life, or mom’s, so is the visit really helpful to me, not usually.
I told my husband after the family left on Saturday,”You know, I am better off when no family comes at all, then I don’t have to go through the expectation and disappointment.” I do have a few people that come by, once or twice a year who do sit and talk with me, and they are very helpful.
I am so not alone in this whole scenario of expecting from family and friends only to be let down and just want to retreat. Through these last years I have met so many caregivers who deal with the same thing over and over again. It is no wonder we end up becoming recluses, besides not being able to get out very much, we end up having to protect ourselves from “them”, and begin to shut “them” out!
I have given the address of my blog to many people, family and friends, only a few have even bothered to check it out, to them I am grateful because they cared enough to know about this “caregiving experience” with mom and I to find out what I had to say. I will continue to blog and expand my sites, because I know to reach even just a few caregivers who are in need of a friend is so important, and I need the writing as an outlet for these myriad emotions and thoughts that infect me each day.
I so appreciate the friends I have made while blogging, you are more special to me then I can say. You are my family, because you take the time to get to know and understand me, you do not disappoint….
(Footnote: The family members were here about 15 to 20 minutes, I think.)
(Editor’s Note: Donna joined us yesterday on Table Talk, our Saturday edition of Your Caregiving Journey. You can listen to our discussion via the player, below.)
Well, a picture certainly is worth a 1,000 words. And, that puppy says it all. I’m so sorry. I wish I understood and could explain. I’m just at a loss for words. I also wish I could stop for a visit. Some day!! Well, we’re glad you’re here with us and that you open up your home to us. Your home is one full of love.
Thnks Denise, I am glad you are all a part of our home too. We must do a Starbuck’s stop someday, we are not that far apart!
.-= Donna W´s last blog ..Disappointment the Sequel =-.
hey now…you cant go and do that coffee run without me but Im way too far from the both of you…cant you come to new york and see me lol ?? Donna as I told you the other day we set our expectations high sometimes and we get hurt. Its not fair, everyone just cant deal with this kind of stuff. We are taken for granted by family sometimes…everyone goes on with their lives ….a family member asked me the other day, wow you guys are going to be married 30 years in august…are you going anywhere…I wanted to say sure…you want to come by and stay for a week lol…people think you can just pack your bags and leave this..so simple…
you just keep being sincere…i read this is sort of like being in labor…its painful but the rewards at the end are great.
I had pain watching my aunt passing from me but have the rewards of knowing I did the right thing by her…you are going through the pain now also…but you will have the rewards one day..believe me…and I will have them again on the sad day my mom closes her eyes.
for now I thank goodness for all of you…my dear friends!!
Yeah… I so understand you.
First off, I have to admit that I am not FIL’s primary caregiver. (FYI my FIL is 90 years old, is very hard of hearing, walks with a cane/walker and suffers from dementia and light incontinence.) My husband and I live in the north eastern US, while he lives in western canada. We do visit twice a year, for at least 21+ days each (not counting the 2 days for travel.) Still, during that time, I feel that we do spend QUALITY TIME with my FIL.
My DH’s sister has volunteered to be the “primary caregiver,” although it’s nothing like what many of the other caregivers here do. We have hired a professional caregiver that visits him for 1 hour in the morning and 2 hours in the evening, 7 days a week, to help with bathing, laundry, light housekeeping, meds and meal prep.
My SIL and her husband, who live 45 min, from his house, may visit her dad once a week, on her day off…. Her caregiving consists of bringing some groceries, to “check” on the log book and notes the caregiver may have left her and to either cook or order in a meal for 3 or to go out to a restaurant. (My FIL usually pays for the groceries and the meals and we have noticed that she often takes home leftovers and extras.) On some occasions, she may also arrange to take my FIL to a doctors appointment, although she does let us know that it “can be a hassle for her” to do so. (She tends to arrive late and then tries to hurry my FIL, who wasn’t reminded of this and needs time to get ready.)
My DH’s brother and wife, who live about 4 hours from my FIL’s, also come to “visit” regularly. He comes to town for business, quite frequently and seems to use my FIL house as a cheap hotel. He may spend an hour with his dad, watching sports on TV….. and then he’s off taking care of business, to eat out with his wife and or friends or to the guest room to sleep.
To me, it seems, that the only people that REALLY TALK TO my FIL is the professional caregiver and my DH and I. The others may sit with him for a few minutes and then tend to talk to him about topics that either make no sense to my FIL or that are of little interest to him. More often than not, they don’t even speak loudly and clearly enough for him to understand. I’ve even noticed my FIL falling asleep or to busy himself with the newspaper or food, while they “entertain” him.
The question I and others have asked is, whey do they wait so long to visit, why didn’t they visit more when mom could talk and understand. Now, she doesn’t even know 99% of whoever might come to see her, and her speaking is next to nothing most of the time, so oh well, why would we come and why would we stay for very long? Hmmmm maybe, just maybe the caregiver might like a little company, someone who can talk with him/her? What an idea! Ok, laying the sarcasam aside, it is great that your FIL has some family who are doing something for him, it is not just on one individual as is the case with so many caregiving situations. Could they do more, possibly, but at least there is some interaction with him. Thanks for commenting Tanya and I hope you will be back again!
.-= Donna W´s last blog ..Disappointment the Sequel =-.
Hey Donna R! I would lovvvveeee to come to NY and have coffee with you! Never been there! I’ll nab Denise along the way! Oh wait, she is south of me, so she will have to nab me and then we go east! lol
.-= Donna W´s last blog ..Disappointment the Sequel =-.