Comments on: My Normal as a Caregiver is Not the Normal of Others http://www.caregiving.com/2010/02/my-normal-as-a-caregiver-is-not-the-normal-of-others/ Insights ~ Information ~ Inspirations Fri, 10 Feb 2012 10:52:41 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Ellen http://www.caregiving.com/2010/02/my-normal-as-a-caregiver-is-not-the-normal-of-others/comment-page-1/#comment-25033 Ellen Sat, 06 Feb 2010 03:00:56 +0000 http://www.caregiving.com/?p=4711#comment-25033 Is it wrong that I don't want people to congratulate me for my "caring" and "service"? That's not WHO I am... someone's devoted servant. I'm ME. I don't want compliments or recognition. I want my life back. I want peace and quiet. I have dreams that don't involve being saintly. I was on another forum and read the following advice: "Naturally we have a responsilbility to our parents when they need us, but we also have a responsibility to ourselves to make sure we can continue to help them." I'm sorry, but... I can't stand reading stuff like that. I don't have a responsibility to myself "to make sure I can continue to help others." You take care of yourself for one reason only... for YOURSELF. PERIOD. Is it wrong that I don’t want people to congratulate me for my “caring” and “service”? That’s not WHO I am… someone’s devoted servant. I’m ME. I don’t want compliments or recognition. I want my life back. I want peace and quiet. I have dreams that don’t involve being saintly.

I was on another forum and read the following advice:

“Naturally we have a responsilbility to our parents when they need us, but we also have a responsibility to ourselves to make sure we can continue to help them.”

I’m sorry, but… I can’t stand reading stuff like that.

I don’t have a responsibility to myself “to make sure I can continue to help others.”

You take care of yourself for one reason only… for YOURSELF. PERIOD.

]]> By: Donna W http://www.caregiving.com/2010/02/my-normal-as-a-caregiver-is-not-the-normal-of-others/comment-page-1/#comment-24899 Donna W Thu, 04 Feb 2010 23:43:47 +0000 http://www.caregiving.com/?p=4711#comment-24899 SMSopi, you are SO NOT the only one out there! I have been talking with caregivers online since 2006. I pretty much had no one since I was so isolated and alone here, I had to find others online to talk with and share. It helped me through these several years. You mentioned grocery shopping, there was one evening I was driving home from getting groceries, and I started to have an anxiety moment and also start to cry, I was away from the house, in the next town, it was dark, and I was driving. I hadn't been anywhere in sometime, or driven. I have had to deal with fear and anxiety when I would get a chance to get out or drive,sometimes, weeks or a month would go by before I got out. Things are improving along those lines, and I am feeling more settled and stable now when I get out thank goodness for that! Even when I do get to go on a trip, I would only call once a day, just to check in and make sure all was going fine. I really didn't worry about it, mom was left in good hands, but even so, as I wrote about, I was not in my "normal" world when going away and relaxing and enjoying that time away was little to none. Thank you for stopping by and I hope you will come back! .-= Donna W´s last blog ..<a href="http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/TheBearHugWaltz/~3/YYb0rQ9C6uA/long-goodbye.html" rel="nofollow">The Long Goodbye</a> =-. SMSopi, you are SO NOT the only one out there! I have been talking with caregivers online since 2006. I pretty much had no one since I was so isolated and alone here, I had to find others online to talk with and share. It helped me through these several years.
You mentioned grocery shopping, there was one evening I was driving home from getting groceries, and I started to have an anxiety moment and also start to cry, I was away from the house, in the next town, it was dark, and I was driving. I hadn’t been anywhere in sometime, or driven. I have had to deal with fear and anxiety when I would get a chance to get out or drive,sometimes, weeks or a month would go by before I got out.
Things are improving along those lines, and I am feeling more settled and stable now when I get out thank goodness for that!
Even when I do get to go on a trip, I would only call once a day, just to check in and make sure all was going fine. I really didn’t worry about it, mom was left in good hands, but even so, as I wrote about, I was not in my “normal” world when going away and relaxing and enjoying that time away was little to none.
Thank you for stopping by and I hope you will come back!
.-= Donna W´s last blog ..The Long Goodbye =-.

]]> By: SMSopi http://www.caregiving.com/2010/02/my-normal-as-a-caregiver-is-not-the-normal-of-others/comment-page-1/#comment-24896 SMSopi Thu, 04 Feb 2010 22:28:38 +0000 http://www.caregiving.com/?p=4711#comment-24896 Thank you very much for making me feel like I'm NOT the only one. I rarely get a chance to do the "me time" thing, and yes! As time goes on it does become the "norm" and the comfort zone to just give in and stay home. Even to go grocery shopping becomes a challenge, because I'm trying to hurry up and get back home. It is difficult to try and enjoy your surroundings when you're away. I find myself calling home often, and this even after I claim I need a break:) Thanks a bunch for being here.... another way to cope! With people who can actually comprehend and not make listen to the "you should" and "you know you need to".... uuuugh! Step into our blessed world;-) Thank you very much for making me feel like I’m NOT the only one. I rarely get a chance to do the “me time” thing, and yes! As time goes on it does become the “norm” and the comfort zone to just give in and stay home. Even to go grocery shopping becomes a challenge, because I’m trying to hurry up and get back home. It is difficult to try and enjoy your surroundings when you’re away. I find myself calling home often, and this even after I claim I need a break:) Thanks a bunch for being here…. another way to cope! With people who can actually comprehend and not make listen to the “you should” and “you know you need to”…. uuuugh! Step into our blessed world;-)

]]> By: Donna Webb http://www.caregiving.com/2010/02/my-normal-as-a-caregiver-is-not-the-normal-of-others/comment-page-1/#comment-24810 Donna Webb Wed, 03 Feb 2010 16:21:27 +0000 http://www.caregiving.com/?p=4711#comment-24810 Thank you Skye! I am very happy to be a part of caregiving.com! Kathy, thank you for your comment. I know what you mom is talking about, I always have that in my thinking too, what I am coming back to. But even in that knowing there is still that combo of dread of coming back/needing to get back to that which is normal to me! Our once a year time away has always been going to one of our 4 sons homes. I can only find minimal relaxation at any of them. I am used to being oncall, on duty, on the edge and so on and no matter where I go, that is my state of being. The most restful place I go is to our church everyother Sunday and to choir practice. For me, getting away at all during the week, means usually that my husband has to stay here with mom, and he can only feed her, nothing else anymore. I do have a few people I can call upon if I need to, or pay someone, and that is not usually an option for us right now. I had started going to the mall and walking once a week, and my cousin came to sit with mom, but our extra car has been down, so that ended till my husband can get it fixed, which could be soon, then I will go walking again. I am in touch regularly with Senior Services, who are with Aging and Disability here, so I do have great contacts since November. I appreciate your input! .-= Donna Webb´s last blog ..<a href="http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/TheBearHugWaltz/~3/GY_WDHHbAPk/drool.html" rel="nofollow">Drool........</a> =-. Thank you Skye! I am very happy to be a part of caregiving.com!

Kathy, thank you for your comment. I know what you mom is talking about, I always have that in my thinking too, what I am coming back to. But even in that knowing there is still that combo of dread of coming back/needing to get back to that which is normal to me!

Our once a year time away has always been going to one of our 4 sons homes. I can only find minimal relaxation at any of them. I am used to being oncall, on duty, on the edge and so on and no matter where I go, that is my state of being. The most restful place I go is to our church everyother Sunday and to choir practice.

For me, getting away at all during the week, means usually that my husband has to stay here with mom, and he can only feed her, nothing else anymore. I do have a few people I can call upon if I need to, or pay someone, and that is not usually an option for us right now.

I had started going to the mall and walking once a week, and my cousin came to sit with mom, but our extra car has been down, so that ended till my husband can get it fixed, which could be soon, then I will go walking again.

I am in touch regularly with Senior Services, who are with Aging and Disability here, so I do have great contacts since November.

I appreciate your input!
.-= Donna Webb´s last blog ..Drool…….. =-.

]]> By: Kathy McIntyre http://www.caregiving.com/2010/02/my-normal-as-a-caregiver-is-not-the-normal-of-others/comment-page-1/#comment-24805 Kathy McIntyre Wed, 03 Feb 2010 15:30:14 +0000 http://www.caregiving.com/?p=4711#comment-24805 Donna, Thank you for this blog posting. While I have been Program Manager of an Adult Day program that provides respite for family caregivers for some time now, I have never heard this very real viewpoint. My mom had told me that when she got a weekend away, it did not do much good because on the way back she knew what she was getting back to. I would though still advocate for some time here and there of respite. A church friend told me one night after going with a friend to the hospital that she slept the remaining few hour at her house (closer than going home) and she felt more rested than if she had been home all night. I told her it is because her mind and body did not need to be on alert if her father needed her in the middle of the night and she was able to go into a full sleep. I would be interested in knowing what would be helpful to you. What would be a respite for you? What would help you to feel connected with the outside world so that as your caregiving chapter closes you will have established your support network to ease the transition. Contact your area agency on aging or other family caregiver resource that provides respite. Even taking 4 hours a week to take an art class, join a social club, go to church, volunteer at a charity of your choice, or shop with a friend at the mall, whatever can give you that bit of a break and be a support to you long in the future. Thanks for the insight and that's for your devotion to mom. Donna, Thank you for this blog posting. While I have been Program Manager of an Adult Day program that provides respite for family caregivers for some time now, I have never heard this very real viewpoint. My mom had told me that when she got a weekend away, it did not do much good because on the way back she knew what she was getting back to. I would though still advocate for some time here and there of respite. A church friend told me one night after going with a friend to the hospital that she slept the remaining few hour at her house (closer than going home) and she felt more rested than if she had been home all night. I told her it is because her mind and body did not need to be on alert if her father needed her in the middle of the night and she was able to go into a full sleep. I would be interested in knowing what would be helpful to you. What would be a respite for you? What would help you to feel connected with the outside world so that as your caregiving chapter closes you will have established your support network to ease the transition. Contact your area agency on aging or other family caregiver resource that provides respite. Even taking 4 hours a week to take an art class, join a social club, go to church, volunteer at a charity of your choice, or shop with a friend at the mall, whatever can give you that bit of a break and be a support to you long in the future. Thanks for the insight and that’s for your devotion to mom.

]]> By: Skye http://www.caregiving.com/2010/02/my-normal-as-a-caregiver-is-not-the-normal-of-others/comment-page-1/#comment-24804 Skye Wed, 03 Feb 2010 15:20:48 +0000 http://www.caregiving.com/?p=4711#comment-24804 Welcome, Donna W! Glad to have you here -- and looking forward to hearing more from you! .-= Skye´s last blog ..<a href="http://thelanfords.com/frustrated-with-medications-again/" rel="nofollow">Frustrated with medications — again.</a> =-. Welcome, Donna W!
Glad to have you here — and looking forward to hearing more from you!
.-= Skye´s last blog ..Frustrated with medications — again. =-.

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