This morning on Your Caregiving Journey, Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, our happiness expert and author of “A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription For Happiness,” joined us for a discussion about “shoulding.” (You can listen to our show via the player at the bottom of the post.)
You know:
We should on ourselves: I should have done more.
Others should on us: You should have done more.
Oh, the shoulding can last forever. Can we stop it?
We can!
When we should others, we feel angry and resentment, Elizabeth explained. When we should ourselves, we feel guilt and shame.
These negative emotions can keep us in our past and prevent us from finding solutions today. Suggestions to help us stop shoulding on ourselves:
–We make the best decisions and take the best actions possible given the information, resources and options available to us at that given moment. We can’t change our past, but we can change today and tomorrow. If you are unhappy about a decision or action from your past, then consider: How can I do better today? It’s about today—leave the past to rest.
–Choose to take actions and decisions which honor your best self. You are a wise, kind, strong individual—choose an attitude and actions that reflect just that.
–When expressing regrets, use the phrase, “I wish.” It’s a much more loving way to talk about the sadness related to an unwanted outcome.
When we get should on, Elizabeth offered the following tips:
–Respond to the emotion of the message rather than defending yourself. When you defend yourself, you take the message personally. Someone shoulding on you is about their anger or resentment. It’s not about you. You can say: “I’m angry about this situation, too.” Or, “I’m also sad that Mom isn’t doing well.”
–Remember the great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Shoulding on you is another way of blaming you. Don’t take that on—you are not to blame. You can say: “I’m open to ideas on how things can be done differently. Let’s meet on Friday to discuss options and delegate responsibilities.”
–If needed, take time before responding. Time can help you find your words. You can calmly respond: “I was upset about our conversation yesterday. I am doing my very best under really difficult situations. During our discussion, I often feel unappreciated, which makes me really sad. I wonder if we can start our discussion again? Let’s focus on what’s best for Dad.”
What causes you to should on yourself? How do you bounce back? Or, do you get should on? How do you manage those encounters? Please share in our comments section.
Resources
Managing Family Disputes During a Decision
Battling Your Family Members: Is It Worth Your Energy?
The Help Arrived, But Left Too Early
I just finished listening. Wow. I “wish” I would have heard this sooner. Before my mother moved in permanently with us, she would recuperate with us from a given incident and then return back home (3 hours from us). One of the incidents was a fall. I had a family member tell me that the fall was my fault: If I had not supported my mother in her decision to live at home for as long as she could, she would not have fallen. I think it was the anger and bitterness that wore on me from this comment. It took years for me to put that to bed. My mother now lives with us, and I do try to remember that my siblings can only do what they can and that other help is available to us. I wish I hadn’t given others such power over my feelings, but I know now…Moving forward! (:
I really try my best to refrain from using that horrible word SHOULD…when we say a sentence with that it implies that either we or the person speaking to us is more knowledgeable. We all fall off the wagon from time to time but I do my best to try to use sentences such as in my opinion perhaps we could……or perhaps it might be a good idea if you…..etc……should just sounds bossy to me and being in the boat of caregiver pretty much all alone ive learned not to be intimidated. Bette..life is one big learning lesson….at least you moved forward….god bless you….always trust yourself….