Fellow Caregivers – I hope this finds you all well; emotions balanced and your mood light. Are you strong in mind, body and spirit? Most days I am able to exist in these places; at least for some part of the day. As in most things, success is realized on some days more so than others. In reality, I doubt this differs much from the average Joe/Jane – BUT, I do feel like my extremes are, well, much more extreme. Since I pretty much reside up there in that margin of extreme this really isn’t surprising. Often times when things are quiet, peaceful and calm, I can’t help but wonder if something seems a little off. How sad is that!?!
It amazes me that we actually adapt to conditions such as these to the point that they are normal! I’m certainly grateful that it was a slow process because a nice stint in the state mental facility would have otherwise been the result of such a dramatic and comprehensive lifestyle change.
I’ve been a full-time primary caregiver for over 2 years now for both of my parents. When I look back at my life before that, a complete segregation exists between those lives, as if there are two different people. Further complicating things, my initial backward glance covers just an intermediate time called the ‘trying to care for the parents from a distance through my sister’ period.
In fact, the difficulty presented by long-distance care giving lead me to relocate my parents with me so that I could manage their care and ease my ever growing anxiety and feelings of helplessness. Other incarnations of Derek exist that are equally distorted as time passes. The ‘before parents were debilitated’ period as well as the ‘when parents were still ok and we took so much for granted’ era. Each of these now seem so foreign and surreal.
It fills me with a deep sadness when I look back at this past 7-10 years or so, and realize that so much time has passed with suffering and life realignment. There have been countless losses and changes, yet strangely for me, so much growth. I can solidly testify without speculation that I am indeed a different person than I was 10 years ago. Most people can say that though, right? We all learn and grow, hopefully, in that length of time. Choices are made and paths are taken. Do any of us really know where we are going? We may think we do, but I dare say most of us have no idea where we will end up.
I am, at present, analyzing how my life has changed, who and what I have become, and what my future looks like. How will my today shape my tomorrow just as my yesterday shaped my today? I must face the very real probability that within the next couple of years, if not sooner, my perceived identity, as it is today, will no longer exist except as a reference in conversation. What a level of fear this evokes if left unchecked. Knowing that I must add some layers to the ‘Derek, son of’ identity is a must and at some point in the past those diversified layers existed. How odd is it that the very act of helping my parents, trying to keep them alive and give them the best quality of life left, has eaten away at those very layers that will be necessary to preserve and protect me once my parents are gone.
More thoughts later…blessings…
-Derek
Upcoming: Am I really just an overwhelmed dutiful son, or have I actually become lazy?
Beautiful post, Derek! How much we sometimes struggle with what life has handed us as caregivers, and yet I dare say all of us have grown in many ways in our characters through these difficulties.
Thank you Sharon. Yes, it has been and continues to be a tough road – but I am grateful to be discovering me.
Thank you.
-Derek
Hi Derek–I love your teaser for your next post! And, I love how you involve us in your process of reflecting. As you write about this, I can see your changes manifest–your writing offers a very visual perspective. I also like how you add the insight that we often categorize ourselves: “daughter of” “employee of” “spouse of”. Who are we separate of these identities especially when the identities change?
I am proud that you are “blogger of Caregiving.com”.
Thanks for sharing–always so glad to read an update.
Denise,
Thank you for your encouraging words. I’ve been quite introspective of late and thought I’d share some of that. I hope to remain more connected.
Thanks,
-Derek
I relate so much to your words Derek. Life seems to have a way of segmenting – chapters are often decided without much help from us. We feel we are headed in one direction but our choices take us somewhere completely different. You have taken on a tremendous challenge and it is no wonder that you struggle to hold on to your sense of who you are. It is clear to me, an outsider, that the who you are is a loving, caring person who has been willing to put his life on hold out of love. I suspect you’ll continue to do that even after your parents are gone. That may be just who you are! I am a person who has done that my whole life. I have always fought against it because I seem to get lost in the process. I’m only speculating here, but maybe that is just who we are – and it’s okay. I am trying to live my life in the “after” phase of caregiving and it’s not as easy as I thought it would be! Thanks for your wonderful blog. I post it about whenever I get an opportunity.
.-= Dorothy´s last blog ..Life in a Box =-.
Dorothy – thank you for offering a very interesting perspective -perhaps this is who we are. We think we should fight against it because it hurts us, but that is futile.
Thank you.
-Derek