“Either…Or” Can Become “And”

In caregiving, the world can seem to consist of “either…or.” The world, then, might become these thoughts:

• Either I put my needs second or my caree doesn’t have his needs met.
• Either I stay with my caree constantly or bad things will happen.
• Either I put my life on hold or my caree will not have what he needs when he needs it.

Thinking these statements is much different than reading them. When you think them, they may seem to make sense. Because you worry about your caree and because you understand your caree’s complicated care needs, it’s easy to understand why these thoughts seem to make sense.

But, when you read them, they seem insane. With these thoughts, you put qualifiers on caregiving, that all hangs on you; you control the outcomes, the results. Oh, my, that’s a heavy burden to bear. And, truly, how much of a disease process can you really control? 

Not much.

Consider how you can move from “either…or” to “and.” With “and” in the mix, your thoughts may be like this: 

• I can take time for myself to pursue my own interests and my caree will be okay.
• I can make myself a priority and my caree’s care needs will be met.
• I can set boundaries in my relationship with my caree and we both will better because of it.

These statements, when both thought and read, sound loving, kind and respectful—thoughts deserving of you. It is possible to have both—times when you become the priority and your caree still receives quality care.

Do you get caught in the “either…or” mindset? How can you move toward adding “can?”