My husband recently said to me, “Do you know what you don’t do when you are taking care of mother?” I said, “What’s that?” He said, “You don’t talk to mother very much, and I always talk to her.” I said, “I know that but realize that you have always been a talker, my family did not talk to each other, and mother and I did not talk to each other.”
Unfortunately some of us grew up that way, not being able to communicate to a parent, sibling or spouse and often our kids as well.
I was ‘forced’ into talking by my husband who insisted I communicate, and secondly by being pushed into the world of retail where I spent the next 20 years! I kind of had to learn to talk to people! But when it came to family members, specifically the immediate family, talking was still minimal to none.
I speak few words to mom in the normal everyday process of taking care of her, mostly those which need to be spoken. But every once in awhile, I will think of something funny…get my face up close, look in her blue eyes and wait for the twinkle and the slight upturn of her mouth as the deep trenches of her face relax in that ever so slight acknowledgement of the haha I had just made.
I can’t talk just to be talking, just because that is what I am supposed to be doing, I can’t force it. I want what I say to count for something, make a difference however brief, in mom’s day.
I have a book, Daily Comforts for Caregivers, by Pat Samples. It was given to me by Senior Services here in town. An entry in the book talks about a caregiver talking to the one she cares for or the many instances of not talking at all. I would like to offer this passage from Pat Samples book.
“My words do make a difference at times, but there are other times for silence. If my words are not working, it may be best to stop using them. Just being with my loved one is enough. My silent presence is the gift I give. No words are necessary. What is created in the silence is room for our two souls to rest together and contemplate. We have a sacred time to be in each other’s presence without expectation. If there is anything to communicate, love is the language spoken.” (Sample, 1999)
This entry in Pat’s book helped to ease the guilt I have felt because I do not know how to talk to mom and never have. Now I wish I could talk to her more, but perhaps what I do is enough, speaking to her silently in the language of love.
Sample, P. (1999). Silence together. Daily Comforts for Caregivers. P. (81) Fairview Press, Mn. MN
I do believe your presence speaks volumes. I also think that, if the mood strikes, talk. Say what’s on your heart. It will be received with love and gratitude.
P.S. Pat Samples was a guest on the talk show in October 2008; you can listen to the show here.
My husband inadvertantly reinforced the guilt I already struggled with concerning not talking much to mom! But, reading that section in Pat’s book really helped me. I can only be me, and some of me is the me that was raised by mom and dad who did not talk to their kids (much)!
.-= Donna W´s last blog ..Silent Talking =-.
Im finding conversatins a bit more difficult lately myself but not because I dont enjoy talking. My problem is at 91 mom doesnt always grasp the whole idea of what Im trying to say. I am learninig to speak with less words as too many confuse her. That both upsets me at times and occasionally frustrates me…Im also a very fast speaker so Im learning to talk slower. I understand your dilemma…Im in it as well only I have to learn to speak differently to Mom. I can say hyperthetically, Mary got hit by a bus and she is in intensive care and mom will say something like why was she on a bus!!..its got nothing to do with the fact the person is hurt…this is just an example..i dont really know someone that got hit by a bus by the way lol….
my husband speaks softer and slower and more to the point than I do. I do love the passage from Pat Samples book you posted. sometimes rather than say its not about the bus mom!!!! I swallow and say nothing at all….
The thing is a am a talker, with other people! Since being a shut in caregiver, with usually noone to talk with, when I get a live one…they can hardly shut me up! Then I feel guilty because I talk too much, but they say no way, it is fine and they enjoy hearing about me and my life, so I guess it is ok for me to talk when I have the chance to. But with mom, there is basically no return conversation, so I deal with that and the fact that all my life we have no been able to communicate with each other. I wish time turned back even just a year or two, when there was more talking, even arguing going on with mom! Now, it is all gone, and won’t be coming back.
.-= Donna W´s last blog ..Silent Talking =-.
This has recently become evident here as well, in two different ways. My dad and I use to talk and talk, but my mom had so much in common with my brother, it seemed that they were always in constant communication with each other. My mother has lived with us for about 7 years and I continue to work on communication. It becomes easier, but I still have to be conscious of it even after this length of time. I feel badly about that, but it has been this way for many many years. Recently (within the last 6 months), I have had to shorten my part of the conversation because too much information confuses her. I like this quote as well, it is so true that being there speaks for itself.
I wish I could look back and say oh, mom and I use to have all these conversations together, but now because of the dementia it has faded away. No, there was very little talking together, ever. We traveled every year, as I got older we shopped, had lunch, but again, little to no talking amidst all of this. So, I talk with my hands as I care for her, that is what I can do.
.-= Donna W´s last blog ..Silent Talking =-.
Bette…glad to read your post…it sounds like your going through sort of the same thing as me…the confusion with too many words…:)
It’s nice to hear that Pat’s book helped you with this dilemma. As editors and writers, we think a lot about when words are needed, and when they aren’t. Best to you and your mother.
Thank you so much for commenting here. Pat’s words really did help. As I stated to Denise, I had been feeling guilty over the lack of talking I did with mom, but I don’t now after reading that entry of Pat’s. I will be who I am and give her the best that I can, even if it is not conversation, and too much talking would also confuse her. Simplicity, simple, few and meaningful words, that is what she understands.
.-= Donna W´s last blog ..Silent Talking =-.