Well, I did not write a blog on Easter like I wanted to, it was the 4 year ‘anniversary’ of becoming mom’s full time caregiver. I think because it stirred up too many emotions to write about it, at least not on that day. I did however do some thought wandering back to those first days, weeks, and months a sort of retrospective, woulda - coulda - shoulda, type of thinking. Looking at who I was, who mom was and how this new life was coming together for us.
What I discovered was that I had been seriously ignorant of what was taking place in mom, and had been taking place, long before we moved in here. Not only that, I can see how I was in complete denial as well.
I look back now and say ‘Duh’, what was I thinking! Why didn’t I see that, why didn’t I do that and so on. But I didn’t know. I didn’t know that for several years, mom had been on the decline. I chalked it up to senility, that is normal, comes with aging yadayada. Normal changes occuring as she got older. No…was much more then that. But who told me? No one. So, accept what to me was just the normal affects of her getting older and deal with them as best I could.
I wrote a blog called Book Learning, because I did have to buy a few books on caregiving to find out what the heck was going on and what else to expect. They did give me some basic info, but most everything else I have learned by doing, trial and error, me guinea pig/she guinea pig.. kind of thing!
I can see that it was easier even safer for me to see the changes mom was going through and say, “Oh, it is just senility, old age, you know!” Instead of really take a look at these things and do some research. If I had, I would have found she was in the early stages of dementia and advancing. But, that was just something I wasn’t willing to see or admit was happening. Now, I know better, hindsight is always the same isn’t it?
But you know, this is just another area that I have learned from, the what not to do/what to do, which I can share with someone else who may be starting out like I did. I don’t want anymore ‘duh’ moments at this point. I am very observant of mom and what she does, or doesn’t do, I know the stages of dementia and that she is in the final stage, or the last stage of her life. I know what to do for her as long as I can do it, and when I can’t do those things anymore for her, I know what to do at that time as well.
Oh, and for all my caregiving friends out there, I am not beating myself up for what I didn’t do or didn’t know. It was good to take a look back there and see those things. I can’t change any of that, but I can write about it to help others.
Ha! Caught ya in the act Denise! lol
Donna W´s last blog ..Woulda – Coulda – Shoulda, ‘Duh’ Moments…
thanks for another wonderful post. Like I have told you numerous times it is a little scarey for me if I allow myself to think of the road ahead but I always call you my personal road map. I know you are here with all of your knowledge to guide me should I have worries. I however try not to worry as I read that doing so shows lack of faith and that is one thing I dont lack. I have faith!!…I have learned not to tell god my plan as he only laughs when I do. He has done a fabulous job guiding me thus far. We do the best we can with what we know and once we know better we do better…you did a fabulous job…your still doing a fabulous job!!..keep sharing all your thoughts. they are extremely helpful to so many of us!!
D1, once upon a time, about 22 years ago, I asked the Lord if because I was worried or concerned about my son being in Desert Storm, meant I had a lack of faith….know what He said? “No, I created you a mom, you are flesh and blood, you have emotions, you are his mom. Being worried or concened for him does not mean you do not trust Me with his life, or that you do not have faith.”
Yes, the bible tells us that worry is sin. Worry to where we don’t even consider God and His help and intervention for our lives, exclusion of God from our lives, yeah, that king of worry is an absence of faith, and it is also a life full of fear.
So D1, you are not only a mom and a daughter, you are a “mom to your mom”, a Special Treaure to God because you honor your mother in your commitment and dedication to her. And even if you worry, or are concerned, He knows your heart, and He knows your faith, after all, He created you too!
Donna W´s last blog ..Woulda – Coulda – Shoulda, ‘Duh’ Moments…
Hi Donna W.,
Thank you for your post and helpful words. You talked about stages of dementia. The doctors don’t really talk to me about my mother’s dementia, only to nod and smile when I ask about certain behavior. I am sure the progression is different for everyone. Do you have an entry on one of your blogs that talks about the behaviors and each of the different stages? Maybe this is too personal to ask you…if so, I apologize. My mother has some concerning behaviors that come and go. Some I see more frequently. And she is definitely struggling more now than she was a year ago–me too. Thank you for any insight you could give.
Hi Bette, here is a link to a post on my blog site listing the 7 stages of dementia. They were helpful to me to show me just how far along my mom was with the stages. And you are correct, each individual will display different behaviors, due in part to their personalities, or even past experiences in their lives. I write about many different things in my blogs that I have gone through with mom these last years, I hope you will find some help in them. Please feel free to ask myself, Denise or any of the other bloggers here any questions, we will do our best to help and support you.
http://bearhugwaltz.blogspot.c.....entia.html
Donna W´s last blog ..Woulda – Coulda – Shoulda, ‘Duh’ Moments…
Thank you Donna W. I can see similarities in several of these stages. Important for me to read, but scary as I read through the developing stages. I am so sad for my mother because she has days where she has trouble communicating and remembering what to do with her breakfast muffin. Not every day, thankfully, but when the days are like that, it is very sad. I am glad she is here with us and pray I can continue to take care of her for a very long time. I know you and Denise and each of you on this site will be such a strong support through this. God had each of you in mind for me that is for sure!
Bette….Donna W is most definately the person to guide you with all of your dementia questions…truly…read her blog….excellent and very helpful.
Im blessed to say my Mom does not have dementia…she just has the odds and ends of a 91 year old…the poor eyesight…the heart condition…the zoning out/concentration thing once in a while….she too has trouble at times remembering how to do certain things more in cooking and jobs like that…she has many bathroom issues…and really sadly if i and my husband dont entertain her she is not entertained….she would sleep in her chair all day if not prompted to do otherwise….so we all were put here with different talents and together we are a wonderful family who advise each other on all areas….I am a huge fan of caregiving.com and denise and all the others and my heart is also with donna w website as well…..im so blessed to find all of you…truly
Hi Donna, I was able to spend some time last night on Donna W.’s blog and you are right, very very helpful. I feel as you do, that I am very blessed to have this place for such support. I know each of you will be a support during the dementia and each of the many phases of caregiving.
New to caregiving, at wits end. can’t get control of finances. My mother with moderate demetia/alzhiemers (75) & her room mate Mary 89, still mild demetia. No since of financial needs, ie house, electric etc. I have power of attorney, don’t know what or how to use it…they have been together at least 45years can’t seperate one from the other. Where do I start.
Hi Yolanda,
Glad you found us! We’ll do our best to help. A few questions for you:
1. Do you have durable power of attorney? It’s critical to have durable POA because then you can make decisions in case your mom can’t, either due to illness or injury. You can learn more here.
2. Do you live near your mom?
3. What’s happened that’s causing your concern right now?
Look forward to hearing from you…
Best,
Denise
We had to take control a number of years ago, before mom’s symptons were too bad. She was spending over 200.00 a month of magazines, books and other mail order stuff, and starting to forget to pay her house payment. We had helped her buy the house next to us almost 20 years ago and she never paid anymore then just the monthly on it, so we are still paying for this house, as well as our own. We took control of the whole checking account, bill paying, groceries, everything, we had to. We explained to her why, and she was at the point where she was actually glad to turn it over and not have to think about it anymore. I only recently got POA for finances for her, so sometimes I would hit a glitch such as trying to talk to the Electric company about her bill, but I worked through it all, and now I am ‘legite’ so I don’t have those obstacles. It is not easy to take away their financial freedoms, but it has to be done, because if they are not handling their finaces well, it will lead to future problems and those problems will fall on the head of the caregive, which I assume will be you? I can’t see separated the friends, that could only lead to increased mental and emotional deterioration for both. But you will have to sit down and have a serious talk with them and let them know what you must do and that it is for the benefit of both of them and their futures.
If you have the paperwork of POA, contact the bank, power company, phone company, etc. who require to have this info on file to allow you to pay the bills, and to make any changes or inquiries into her accounts. The bank will also add you to her account which allows you to deposit/withdraw write checks and so on. The processes themselves are not difficult to initiate, it is the emotional difficulties in making these decisions and having to explain them to your mom.
Please keep in touch, others here will be able to share ideas with you as well.
Donna W´s last blog ..WELCOME ULTIMATE PARTY BLOGGERS OF 2010!