SOAP BOX – 1
PARENTING YOUR PARENT
Ok! Drum roll please, getting up on my soap box finally! I want to present my opinion on a subject that causes me irritation by those of differing opinions! However at the end of this post I will invite those of both views to express their opinions.
The subject is that there are individuals, specifically caregivers, who feel that to use the term “Parenting Your Parent” is offensive and demeaning to our position as caregiver to our parent. I on the other hand, have quite the opposite view on this. So, blow horn up to mouth and here I go!
I have done some research on this to help bolster my already very strong stand on this matter. So, I make this statement loud and clear, that using the term “Parenting My Parent” is not demeaning or disrespectful in any way! It is a very genuine and even heartfelt statement of the position of being a caregiver to my mom. Period!
The most recent information I have read about this, is what has caused me to decide to get up on my Soap Box and take a definitive stand on the matter. This article was a link I saw on Twitter titled “Why the Phrase Parenting Your Parent Is Demeaning.” I will not mention the author of the article, but will include the link to it.
Once I read the article, I was slightly aggravated again over this statement and the thinking behind it, so I posted several ‘tweets’ in response to it.
1. I have addressed this topic more than once. I do not find it demeaning to use the term Parenting My Parent,
2. Nor do I have any shame or guilt at doing so. If I did not love and respect my mother, I would not be caring for her.
3. This carries enough burdens without having to defend a particular term that we might use to refer to caregiving of a parent.
4. I know the author has cared for several family members, I only one, and I have forged my way through the last 4 years,
5. With little to no help. So if I choose to say I am now the parent of the one who parented me so many years ago,
6. I do so with pride and with the utmost love and respect for my 96 year old mother.
Those who find this term offensive and disrespectful are certainly entitled to their opinions. I believe there are many more of us out there caring for our parent or parents who do not agree with their view.
I like to define specific terms, to gain a fuller understanding of their meaning, so I looked up the definition of parent.
Two definitions are:
1. A person who cares for another, and,
2. To be or act as the parent of…
Ok, does this not describe what a person who cares for their parent is and does? Certainly is a description of what I do. The following “Parent’s Job Description” I found online, and I chose the ones that in part describe my caregiving duties. Words in italics are my comments.
First of all, it is (often) long term, challenging, and (seems) permanent. The parent must have good communication abilities; (well we actually learn new and varied ways to communicate).
A parent needs to be organized; (to me the biggest organization needed here is to organize and manage one’s time throughout the day and night). A parent must be available 24/7, (and those 24 hours will often turn into 36).
There must be a willingness to be hated. (The one you love and who loves you….will at times show hatred and anger towards your care giving efforts). You must have strong stamina.
It is immensely helpful to be a good planner along with the organizer and manager of time, for those rare trips you may get to take.
You are indispensable, or at least you deceive yourself into thinking so. You take the full responsibility and accountability for the quality of life you provide for the one you care for.
Advancement or promotion, no, but you are always moving forward advancing through the many changes your parent makes as the stages of aging progresses.
Experience required, certainly helps but is not likely to be the case, this is more often then not a total learn as you go position, and many times you will fall on your face.
Wages, benefits, Compensation? Recompense? Well, the experience I have gained, the mistakes I have learned from, the materials I have read, and discussions I have had, have well equipped me for my plans of paying this forward, making it count for more. The knowing inside that even through the mistakes I have made while caring, parenting my mom, I have done my best for her. Compensation and recompense are coming! http://www.kidsgrowth.com/resources/articledetail.cfm?id=2108
As caregiver to my mom, I have taken on all tasks of her care. She is in the last stages of dementia; she is mainly confined to bed, although I do try to get her up for 2 to 3 hours a day. There is nothing that she does for her own care. The role reversal that is objected to by the writer of the first article has in fact taken place between mom and I. She is dependent on me for everything, just as a young child would be. This is the plain facts. I care for her as she cared for me, role reversal. There is nothing demeaning or disrespectful in that statement. In my blog, “If I Don’t Do It Who Will?, Transitioning From Daughter To Caregiver,” I write about putting on my caregiver’s coat and how difficult it was to drop the position of daughter and do that.
As caregiver for our parent, we deal with a tumultuous barrage of emotional and mental stresses, as well as physical duress. To have individuals make statements concerning a simple term or phrase about how we describe our position as caregiver is not encouraging or supportive at all.
Yes, someone may have much experience in the area of caregiving, and yes, they may have gained insight into how they think they should feel about what they do, and how they should describe it, but that doesn’t mean it should have to be embraced by the rest of us.
Because many of us already have to fend off feelings of guilt and condemnation on a daily basis, even though it is not intended by the writer of that article to pass such feelings on to caregivers, it is easy to fall prey once again to them.
Here is a quote from another article, “Parenting is a process borne out of love and commitment. It entails nurturing, guiding and guarding (the child).” http://ezinearticles.com/?A-Parents-Job-Description&id=3347748
Sounds like a perfect description of a parent caregiver as well!
Caregiving, in most instances, is a process borne out of love and commitment, just as parenting is.
I am my mother’s mother, her mom, her caregiver, her parent, I take care of her! I made a commitment to her years ago and I have done the best I can to keep that commitment these past years. I make no apologies for referring to myself at any time as being a parent to my parent! There is no disrespect in those words, and I have not forgotten who she is and who she was.
Mom turns 96 this Friday…
If you disagree…have at it….aim good!
OK! Your turn to climb up on the Soap Box and have your say! I’ll even let you use my blow horn thing!
You are a disruptor. The delivery of health care starts with you, continues because of you, and ends with you. Let's disrupt together to make the world better for family caregivers. 
Sharon
I don’t think it matters what you call it-parenting your parent or something else. All I know is you are doing a great job of taking care of your Mom, Donna. It is a difficult job, and you have been willing to take it on.
Donna Webb
You are right Sharon, it does not matter what it is called, it all means the same thing, I am taking care of my mom!
.-= Donna Webb´s last blog ..Donna’s Soap Box! =-.
Denise
Hi Donna–I’m only throwing flowers at you!!
I actually do not like the term (to me, it’s like nails on a checkboard). However, I think it’s most important that you use the words which define your experience. You know best how it feels and which words describe those feelings.
I like the Soap Box–it’s fun to stir things up!
Donna W
Ha ha! What was that label I didn’t like, oh yeah care recipient? I forget, lol anyhow, that had the same effect on me, nails on a chalkboard lol. But I have had my say, got on my Soap Box, which I will get on again from time to time and holler about things that bug me! lol
.-= Donna W´s last blog ..Donna’s Soap Box! =-.
Emily Placido
Wow Donna! I totally agree with you on this. I read the article that you linked, and I find it very general with nothing to substantiate her stance on the phrase “Parenting Your Parent.” I cared for my mother who had dementia, and YES, she became my child. I took care of all her needs, as she was incapable of taking care of her own needs. What is wrong with that? The author of the article thinks it is negative and that us caregivers are being negative. I never looked at it as a negative thing, and neither did my mother. As a matter of fact, she loved it! At many times my mom called me, the person who does my hair. That’s because I always brushed and cut her hair. You can change the term “Parenting Your Parent” to “Minding Your Elders”, but a rose by any other name, is still a rose. There si nothing demeaning about parenting your parent!!
Donna Webb
Thanks Emily, I agree with your comments on that article. And it’s not a negative like you said. My mom has at times has called me mother as a joke because I was mothering her or telling her something she needed to do lol. It is an attitude thing, and that author seems to think we all have this negative crappy attitude towards our mom or dad if we use that term to describe our caring for them, and it just isn’t so. Thanks for your input!
.-= Donna Webb´s last blog ..Donna’s Soap Box! =-.
Susan
I respect and admire adult-children caregivers, and did all I could for my mother who died just short of her 89th birthday, yet I never felt I was a parent to my parent–even when Mother said “now you can be the parent.” I wanted her to maintain her self- esteem, her feelings of competence and know I was there to help when necessary. I think this made her feel supported, empowered, and as a result she accomplished goals that surprised family members. Her mind was sharp, her memory was good, and her pride was upheld throughout ordeals connected with tia’s, stroke, and serious surgery after a fall. My graduate counseling training taught me the importance of respect and for my mother, being her parent wasn’t respectful. I understand Donna’s thinking and when parents can no longer make decisions for themselves, we may feel we parent our parents, but we are still their biological children. Parents take pride in that fact. You might want to check out my blog: http://helpparentsagewell.blogspot.com.
.-= Susan ´s last blog ..Aging Parents: Gifts–Lighted Pocket Magnifying Glass Revisited–+1 =-.
Donna Webb
Thank you for commenting Susan. My mother is in no way in the same state as yours was. She has progressed through the stages of dementia these last years, which has meant more and more care given to her, until she is 100% care, and her mental capacity greatly affected. She does not know who I am, remember my name, if I give her the answers, like I’m your daughter Donna right? She may shake her head yes, but the look in her eyes is questioning that. Parent is a word, just a word, to describe an act, an act of caring for, nurturing and protecting another individual. And this is what I do for mom, care for, nurture as best I can, and protect, just as I did my 4 sons. Just as mom did for me. Each of us has a different caregiving situation, although many of them have similarities, but we do understand that behind all we do, behind the ‘titles’ we use, there is love, and there is respect.
.-= Donna Webb´s last blog ..Donna’s Soap Box! =-.
Donna Ryan
I commented on your actual blog site but will do so again…as I wrote there I totally agree…I do believe we become the parents of our parents…I dont think there is any disrespect in this at all…this can be extremely difficult….I love my mother with all my heart…I know in my heart I am extending her life and keeping her safe and loved…If I didnt care enormously for her I would have just taken a chance and left her in the apartment two years ago…the fact I call this at times my job does not in any way take away from the fact I love her and care for her but no matter how you slice it…when your the only one doing it as you and i are…it is parenting and really it is a huge job….and you do it wonderfully!!!!!
Donna Webb
Thanks New Yawker, as I Emily and I said, they are just words, titles, phrases, whatever, it is what behind those words that makes the difference…attitude. I have read comments from caregivers that were so negative it was awful. But they were is a situation they did not want to be in and were not equipped in anyway to handle it. I am sure there are quite a few caregivers like that out there, but they really don’t come out and share becasue they are afraid of how people will judge them for the way the feel about caregiving. It is not usually a chosen profession! I did choose to take care of mom years ago as she got older, I had no idea what these years were going to hold for us. And we all really got sandwiched together after the fire, which for her was a good thing because she needed someone living with her at that point. Anyhow, it is all about the attitude of the heart, not the title we give our job, right?
.-= Donna Webb´s last blog ..Donna’s Soap Box! =-.
Glenn
Ok, maybe you can all help me……..I am the spouse of a care-giver and a spouse who has never been liked or appreciated by the parent in need of care and yet here she is in my house taking up so much time that my marriage is suffering badly. I read all I can but still have the anger and resentment that it is driving me crazy. Maybe this isn’t the place to vent but after I read the comments on being a “parent” I just thought I’d give this a try. Does this ever get easier? At least with my kids the got older and gained knowledge and abilities, now it is in reverse with my mother-in-law…..I understand it is the disease at work but don’t some of you ever just want to scream????????? I feel trapped and lonely. Thank goodness I can go to work everyday. Thanks for reading this.
Donna Webb
Hi Glenn, thanks for sharing your feelings with us. I wish my husband was here to answer your questions, but I will step in for him if you don’t mind. No, it has not gotten easier for him. The relationship with my mom is different then with your mother-in-law. My husband has always loved mom, and she loved him as a son, he has been like a son for her for 25 years. Our kids are all grown, it is just us with mom. We do our best, handle things as best we can. I would love to have a room where I or my husband could go and scream and punch or break things! You are not alone in your feelings at all. Most of us, have dealt with or are dealing with feelings of anger and resentment, you recognize them that is good, now don’t allow guilt or condemnation to eat at you too. You are experiencing very normal responses to a very difficult situation. I know there are others here who will share with you too. We are a family here, we help each other, we can say anything we need to, we vent! Do stay in touch with us, let us be your family, your support, then you won’t feel quite so trapped and lonely. We get it Glenn, you’re not alone!
.-= Donna Webb´s last blog ..Donna’s Soap Box! =-.
Linda Born
Hi Donna,
You might have heard my interview with Denise on Book Talks the other day, in which I said that thinking of my role in my mom’s life as being “my parent’s parent” hadn’t worked for us. My mom is still in the mid-stages of her Alzheimer’s. Early on I was told that Alzheimer’s is aging in reverse and that I would become the parent, and so–perhaps somewhat ahead of time–I proceeded to approach my mom from this perspective. She was still “with it” enough to be offended by my attitude. Perhaps you were never like this with your mom–the fault was mine–but when I was wearing the parent persona I expected my mom to “mind” me, and if she didn’t cooperate I found myself feeling as though she should be disciplined (not that I carried out any such action, but as the parent, I would feel anger toward Mom for her rebellious attitude toward me). This is the heart of the difficulty some recognize with the term “becoming one’s parent’s parent.” There’s a subtle difference between that and the term you use, “parenting your parent.” The former implies a complete role reversal and carries the disturbing possibility of disciplining rather than facilitating. The latter simply acknowledges that we have many of the responsibilities of parents in relation to our carees. I’m thinking we aren’t as much in disagreement as it at first seems. You sound like an amazing caregiver for your mom. Thanks for your insightful posts.