Hey Everybody. Hoping everyone, who celebrated Mom’s Day if applicable, had as nice a one as possible for you. I’m kicking back after having seen the one and only legendary Diana Ross in Boston last night — what a class act! It was my “gift” to myself after my first academic year back in school, kind of the symbolic start of my summer.. Speaking of, these increasingly warm days have reminded me of my dad, when he was sick and then failing with his cancer: every warm breeze, smell of a flower, strong high sun, these remind me of days at the hospital, or talking to my dad there from my cellphone…oh, well.
The point is, I think I kind of “woke up” emotionally in just the last few months and realized–I don’t know if it’s just me, or what–that it actually took me about 4 1/2, almost these 5 years to get a “handle” on my grief over my dad’s passing. It really wasn’t until the first 2 years went by, that the feeling of shock, and the readjusting to new roles and fresh losses, settled into place. Looking back at losses that any of you have had with loved ones you cared for or cared about, I wondered: how long did it take for all of you?
The saddest thing I found was that while caring for someone normally should make them better, there’s no material reward with caring for a gravely/terminally ill loved one–you can make them comfortable, maintain their quality of life as best as is possible–but ultimately, they will die. But I guess that those situations are a real lesson in prioritizing your love in life, because that’s a kind of caring that has a result that goes on forever in one place–your heart, because you’ll never regret what you did do for your loved one when you could.
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Amie Peele Carter
Gary – I blogged this morning about my feelings now that it’s been 8 months since my Mom died. http://www.findyourequilibrium.com. I think you are right, it taks a long, long time to adjust. And once a caregiver, always a caregiver, at least in the sense that there is always that “other” thing in your life – caring for the ill person, grieving the loss, finding joy, still grieving, etc…..and it just becomes a part of the fabric of who you are.
Thanks for the good post. Look forward to reading your blog.
–Amie
Lynn Svindland
My Dad passed a year ago also. I joined Seniors Helping Seniors about 3 years ago. I felt like caring for my Dad was on the job training. We used to say that and laugh. The amazing thing is that , all my life my Dad helped me and even now that he is gone, he helps me on a daily bases because of what I learned carig for him. I am able to help other children caring for older parents by speaking at caregiver groups for large companies in our area.
THANK YOU DAD….
Denise
Hi Gary–How wonderful you saw Diana Ross!! What was the best part of the show?
I guess it takes as long as it does. Not much of an answer. I think there’s two shocks: The shock of the loss then the shock about how long the grieving lasts. There’s good days and bad days as well as good and bad moments. The comfort comes, as you know, from the memories of the loving moments.
Your dad sounds like he was a very special man, so I understand how much you miss him. His presence remains a presence in your life. You live with him in your heart.
Bette
Hi Gary,
I think in some instances we never stop grieving for our loss. My Dad passed away in 1990 and I miss him every day. There are still days that I cry about such a loss. He was my best friend growing up and we had a very close relationship. What Denise said about memories is something that has helped me very much. Definitely hang on to all those special memories. We were so fortunate to have them, some people never do.
Annie
I agree with Bette. Its also almost 5 years since I lost my Mom. We have been caregiving for my grandmother in tandem, now its been up to me.
You never stop remembering. Some days are easier than others. The tough times for me are the holidays, like Mother’s Day, birthdays and “the holidays.”
We were like the “Gilmore Girls” so I also felt that I lost my best friend.. However, I think of all the funny moments and the good times. Sometimes I still hear her voice.
I’m glad you are going things for you. I’m going to a baseball game in a couple of weeks with my best friend. As long as you have a support system of friends, getting though those tough times are a bit easier.
.-= Annie´s last blog ..Pistol Packin’ Mama =-.
Dilys
It took me 2 years before I felt I was coming around. I couldn’t go into his office and put his things in order for those 2 years. Whenever I tried, I’d start crying so hard I couldn’t go on. My dad was one of the few people who could really make me laugh at anytime or any day.