Yesterday I had to leave for church early and Greg was going to bring my mother and the kids over later on. When he went to walk my mother (with her walker) to the car, she couldn’t make it. She started feeling dizzy and weak. He pushed her on the walker back into the house and she sat down in her chair, feeling a bit better once she got inside.
When I got back from church, she was in bed resting. When I asked her how she was feeling, and if she needed anything, she said she thought she was dying. Last week, we had a similar incident and I did take her to the doctor’s. The doctor assured us that all the tests she had in the last month or so, showed that everything was fine– bloodwork, CAT scan, x-rays. The doctor feels that most of her weakness and discomfort is caused by arthritis. She does struggle from the effects of the stroke (right side weakness) and from vascular dementia.
Yesterday, when I reminded her of our visit to the doctor, I told her I would call on Tuesday if she was still feeling badly, she raised her voice and said, “If I’m still alive on Tuesday!”.
So…..yesterday afternoon, was a bit of a challenge here. I know I need to acknowledge patiently that I understand she is not feeling well and reassure her that we will try and remedy, etc., but it is such a big responsibility to know what “call” to make and when. This definitely is tiring emotionally.
This morning my mother was up before I was, waiting for pills and breakfast, as if nothing had happened…So, as I head to the grocery store this afternoon, I know she would like to come. I can push the wheelchair as I pull the cart; today I feel badly not inviting her–I don’t have the strength. ):
As caregivers, I know we all take our responsibilities very seriously, otherwise we would not be looking for support and ways to improve ourselves and our stamina, as we continue this journey, so…I was wondering what kind of things rattle you and how do you keep from being too rattled? (:
You are a disruptor. The delivery of health care starts with you, continues because of you, and ends with you. Let's disrupt together to make the world better for family caregivers. 
Donna W
Actually, I think my rattle broke…..? There are two past incidents that I really fell apart over though so I will share them. In spring of 09, changes were happening quickly in mom, most of which I refused to see or acknowledge. When I finlly did, and determined what I needed to do next, was big step for me. During this time period, mom ended up with some bedsores, they came quick, greatly in part for my not being aware what was going on with her skin, and making sure she was not spending too much time on one side. Anyhow, I just fell apart, my mother does not get bed sores, I don’t allow it! I called her Dr. and explained what was going on and he said it was time to get hospice in here, to give me some help, and also for my protection against the law, when she passed away here at home. Ok, that was one major rattle session.
The next one came shortly after we had been on hospice. Mom had the most fantastic nurse. She just completed this family in this situation, she was in charge of the team who cared for mom…and for me. A couple months after she became our nurse, she broke her foot and was going to be off work for an extended period of time. The company fired her….. I can’t tell you how many people, clients and family members who were angry about that! Me included, I had a melt down the day I found out. It was then that I realized how critical the relationship dynamics are in a cargiving situation. I had to grow up and out of this one, determine to not let myself become emotionally investe and depended on someone like that again, especially a hospice nurse. There has been no one else like her since allthough they try to be, they can’t, they do their best. Mom is now on her 3rd nurse, and their are fill in nurses who come from time to time….business like any other.
Bette, a I am learning, and everyone has told me, I have to look after me, an take care of me, or me can’t take care of mom. So, if you don’t have the strength to take you mom, that’s ok if you don’t take care. She will get over it, and you will regain some strength back to better care for her, yes? Guilt is one of are arch enemies, and we must learn how to slay it.
So, these are my 2 major rattles, the day to day things I deal with as they come and go, no one else can really. If I am having physical difficulties then I have to decide how to take care of her, which usually means she has to stay in bed, like the last 2 weeks, since I have been struggling with the pinched neck. I hope to get her up again as treatment progresses, but I will be sure it will not cause me a relapse before I do.
Ok, I talked to much! It is only 6:18 in the morning! Mom’s aid comes at 7 and I have an appointment at the chiropractor at 10, then? Either writing more or helping my husband with the roof job on our house next door! lol
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Sharon
Making decisions about what to do next and feeling responsible for everything is defintitely rattling. Pushing your caree to do what he or she can and at the same time being loving and supportive is also rattling and emotionally draining to all of us.
Since you recently had just been to the dr, you did the right thing with your Mom in regards to not calling the dr. right away and taking a “wait and see” attitude. Trust your instincts on these things, and don’t give in to self-doubt.
As for pushing a wheelchair while pulling the grocery shopping cart that is crazy. I did that one time, and I won’t do that again. Unless a store has a mobility scooter type thing of some kind which most grocery stores do not, it is too difficult taking your caree who is wheelchair bound into the store with you. It is okay and even good to let your Mom know that you have needs and limitations also.
When I get rattled I try to remember that emotions are just emotions. They are not necessarily based on truth. I also lean on the promises of guidance and strength found in the Bible. I think it also helps to look for the good things in one’s life.
Hang in there, Bette. You are doing a good job. It is o.k sometimes to use your God given instincts and say, “No.”
Denise
Hi Bette–The words from Donna and Sharon are just wonderful. I would add: You are responsible for ensuring your mom has the best care and treatments available. You do this. You do this so well! Here’s the tough part: You can’t be responsible for the passage of time. Meaning, as time passes, your mom will deteriorate and decline. It’s a natural (although feels unnatural) part of life. Your capacity to care and to love is just beautiful. Because of this, you give your mom a passage of time that’s an absolute blessing. Hang in there…
Bette
My day is going so much smoother, knowing that I have wisdom and support…and similarities, on caregiving.com. I am so grateful. Thank you for your insights. (:
Donna Ryan
Bette…of course … every one of us has felt rattled…this is a very hard job we are all doing. I think my list would be shorter had you asked what does not rattle me somedays. I am very proud that you took care of yourself and did not have mom join you in the grocery shopping trip. I think after what you had been through this would have rattled you even further and Im so happy you did something for you and made a great decision. Dont be so hard on yourself…you can do things on your own…especially grocery shopping…the days I take my mom grocery shopping are long gone. I agree with Denise, in my case I have been doing this two and a half years now and Mom hasnt declined terribly but slowly which is natural. I am responsible for keeping her healthy, safe, loved, protected, etc. but to be honest I cant make myself sick every single time I feel rattled because I dont want an ulcer doing this. I breathe, smile and run for something inspirational…you inspire me…and of course we all have so much support thanks to this site…