Today, on Your Caregiving Journey, Laurel Kennedy joined us for a discussion of her book, “The Daughter Trap,” our June book club pick. You can listen to our discussion via the player at the bottom of the post.

I was looking forward to our discussion today because I wanted Kennedy to shed insights about her book, which I found confusing and off-putting. The book is well researched but yet pontificates. “Somewhere along the line, aging parents came to view the existence of a daughter as something of an economic and social security blanket, a guarantee against the insulation, isolation, and insults of old age,” Kennedy writes. I can tell you two aging parents who would strongly disagree with this statement: My mom and dad.

It’s true that 66% of family caregivers are women, but you don’t need a calculator to know that 34% are men. The majority of family caregivers are women, but men are not a minute minority. It’s also interesting to note that it’s not just any daughter who takes on the role. Research shows that mothers prefer their family caregiver to be the daughter with whom they feel emotionally close and whose values parallel their own.

I also think geographic location can play a part in who takes on the caregiving role. Kennedy spoke today about caring for her father, who lived near her and her sister in the Midwest. She and her sister became the primary caregivers. Her brothers lived on the West Coast; one stayed involved with daily phone calls. If Kennedy lived on the West Coast and the involved brother lived in the Midwest, how would Kennedy’s involvement have changed, I wonder?

Kennedy does include a chapter about men as family caregivers. She also includes examples of women–daughters–who can’t take on the role of family caregiver. This makes me wonder: What characteristics do family caregivers have in common? Do family caregivers have a particular genetic make-up rather than a certain gender? And, do family caregivers have common experiences in terms of their past relationships with the carees?

Kennedy described receiving an emergency phone call about her father at 3 a.m., hours prior to her need to travel for an important business meeting. In that moment, she felt trapped. She later felt frustration at her father’s refusal to leave his home and move to a continuing care community. Her experience led her to wonder if others felt as she did. She researched countless studies about caregiving, sponsored her own research of 200 women and then wrote her book.

In thinking about Kennedy’s reaction to the 3 a.m. phone call—feeling trapped—I guess I wonder, But, isn’t that life? Don’t we all have times when we must make difficult choices because we simply can’t be two places at once? Then, don’t we make a choice as to where we feel it’s best to be? Kennedy seemed to choose her father. Is that such a bad choice? Could she live with herself if she had made a different choice?

Kennedy includes quotes from family caregivers who vent about their experiences. Any family caregiver who reads the book will see themselves in the venting. My concern is that we stay in the venting. We’re not supplied with techniques or tools that we can implement ourselves in order to feel better. Kennedy does conclude the book with a discussion of solutions which can improve how and where aging relatives receive the care they need. Many of these solutions have been available for many years. They are not innovative or profound.

I worry about a book that starts the reader with emotions of anger and resentment and then leaves the reader with those same emotions. In a caregiving situation, anger and resentment are normal reactions to a really difficult and sometimes awful situation. Staying in those emotions means that a caree may die while a family caregiver feels angry and resentment. That leaves a family caregiver to a potential destiny of terrible guilt. (“Did Mom know how I angry and resentful I felt? Did she think I was angry with her? Resented her?”) Moving away from anger and resentment to acceptance and peace means that the family caregiver can feel calm after a caree’s death.

When I think about the eldercare business, I think we are in the business of preventing regrets. Kennedy could have used her book to help with this all-important business. It’s a shame, really, that she didn’t.

My suggestion? If you’d like to explore the role of daughters as caregivers, read “Dutiful Daughters: Caring for Our Parents As They Grow Old” by Jean Gould (published in 1999) or “Designated Daughter: The Bonus Years with Mom” by D.G. Fulford and Phyllis Greene (published in 2008).

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