Two weeks ago, Karol Ward joined us for our book club discussion of her book, “Worried Sick, Break Free from Chronic Worry to Achieve Mental and Physical Health.”
During our discussion, I asked Karol: How does the worry about caregiving differ than other times you’ve worried? Karol spoke about the difficulty in making decisions on behalf of her mother as well as the worry involved in putting her needs before her mom’s.
I’ve been giving this question some thought. In other life experiences, such as parenting, marrying and retiring, you have worries. You also typically have better resources (neighborhood teen-agers baby-sit your children), support systems (everyone loves to talk about marriages, parenting, retiring) and options (you can take the kids pretty much anywhere).
In caregiving, it is not so.
In giving this more thought, I put together a list of 10 Caregiving Worries, which are:
1. It feels like it all rests on you. You may feel that if don’t do it, then you take a chance that there’s a health crisis for your caree. The worry: What will happen if I do something wrong?
2. It can be difficult to discuss the details of your caregiving situation because of embarrassment or shyness or shame. So, you may internalize the concerns. When these concerns don’t have air (i.e., you talk about them and gain a healthier perspective), the concerns become a chronic worry. The worry: Is this normal?
3. It’s all feels new. Managing a chronic illness is a complicated and demanding job. It’s also a job for which you haven’t had a chance to prepare. Overnight, you may feel the pressure to be an expert. The worry: Do I know what I need to know?
4. It all seems to go downhill and, sometimes, downhill quickly. One day, your caree is continent. The next day, he or she isn’t. The worry: Can I effectively manage the changes?
5. You sacrifice much in order to provide care. The worry: Have I sacrificed too much of my career, relationships, future, myself? What if, at the end of this, I’m completely alone?
6. Keeping a patient and compassionate attitude can sometimes seem like an impossibility. The worry: Have I been too mean or too unkind to my caree?
7. Your caree would like to stay home (or in your home) until he or she dies. Sometimes, that can seem like a tall order. The worry: Can I give my caree what he or she wants?
8. You make decisions on behalf of another and, sometimes, for a a family unit. Ugh! How awful does that feel to have the weight of all that responsibility of your shoulders. The worry: Am I doing what’s right?
9. You can’t be at two places (or three or four) at the same time. Others seem to think you can, though. You make decisions during your day as to how you’ll spend time and with whom. The worry: Am I being selfish if I make a decision that puts me before my caree?
10. A continuation of No. 9: You make a decision as to your priorities. Not everyone can be a priority. The worry: Will I make my spouse (or caree or children or friends) mad if I do this?
The worries can seem endless. Which of your worries have I missed? More importantly, if you could, which worry would you minimize?
Programming Notes:
- Karol joins us on Your Caregiving Journey on June 16 at 1 p.m. CT to continue our conversation about chronic worry. We’ll talk about the body, mind and spirit connection as well as the symptoms and triggers of worry.
- Our June book club pick is “The Daughter Trap” by Laurel Kennedy. Laurel joins us on Your Caregiving Journey on Tuesday, June 29, at 10:30 a.m. CT for a live discussion.
Related Articles
- Join Our Happiness Project (caregiving.com)
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You are a disruptor. The delivery of health care starts with you, continues because of you, and ends with you. Let's disrupt together to make the world better for family caregivers. 
Bette
I worry that I do not spend enough one on one time with my mother. Basically I don’t because I worry that with all the everyday care she requires, my children and husband will feel like they are not getting enough time. Recently, in reading some of the posts, I worry that my mother does not receive enough “touch” communication from me. Because my mother knows how to “push my buttons” it is hard to WANT to arrange for the times together (one on one), and work on “touch”. My mother was not real affectionate to me growing up, so I am not sure where this all lies now. We differ a lot in personality, which can become a challenge as well.
Donna Ryan
I could write a book on a mother that was not affectionate to me…Im finding we have more and more in common every day Bette. My aunt was the encourager…Mom always told me I cant do things constantly…even when I met Kevin, she told me not to get my hopes up…he may not call back…and here we are married almost thirty years so there!!.I think I turned out fine despite the lack of pats on the back and you did as well. they really did the best they could with what they knew..I do believe that…the past is the past…I must now just do the right thing.
I think your balancing everything well…from your posts it sounds that way to me…try 3:00 coffee…every day we sit and have coffee together and it is her and my time together….it is a start…!!
today I was making a cheeseccake in the kitchen and she looked sad so I brought her the container of strawberries to clean and slice…they just want to feel needed sometimes…once in a while have your mom do something like that…peel a potatoe sort of thing…something she can still do.
that is my worry every day….trying to keep her challenged….