After college, there were a lot of firsts for me.  First apartment, first job, first husband (: , first house, first baby.  All of these “firsts” came with hope. Hope that I was moving towards something new and exciting.

There are a lot of “firsts”  in caregiving as well. When my mother first came to recover in RI, we worked from RI, with a contractor in Maine, to make her condo there handicap accessible. When she could no longer live in her condo, we worked with a contractor in RI to make our home handicap accessible.

When she struggled with walking, we found a physical therapist, and when she struggled with panic attacks and confusion, we worked with a doctor making  medication changes to help with this.

Recently, my mother has shown pretty obvious decline. This is a “first” for me, that I cannot make changes to make it better or to help figure a solution. There seems to be no hope with this “first”. Abrah, Rees and Marah have noticed this decline, and this “first” is new for them and a little scary for all of us. I know if we continue to talk about this, we can make this “first” easier for everyone, including my mother.

She is having a harder time talking. She cannot use the T.V. or phone on her own. She does not want to watch T.V. or read, and is not real excited about company. Her confusion is worse, and her walking continues to worsen.

During one of my coaching calls with Denise, she suggested  family meetings. They have been wonderful for all of us. It is a quiet time that everyone can sit and think AND share. My youngest now has a gavel to adjourn the meetings! (:

Yesterday we talked about the changes here. It was refreshing to encourage all of us to talk about my mother’s fears in all of this as well. It must be so hard on our carees to endure these changes, too.

I am so grateful to be able to share my fears with each of you, that have experienced fears such as this one. “Hope” is a wonderful word, maybe the meaning just changes a bit in caregiving, but doesn’t have to go away. I have to hang on to the fact that we give our carees hope everyday. Hope in living in an environment that gives them comfort. We are there for them. I guess sometimes hope can take on a new meaning. The meaning comes from us.

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