Yesterday’s USA Today featured a Q&A interview with Gail Sheehy about her new book, “Passages in Caregiving,” and her experience caring for her husband. The interviewer asked Sheehy: “You write about caregivers who go solo and try to play God. Why does that backfire?”
Sheehy answered, “As long as you are catching mistakes and bird-dogging everything, you feel important. It’s good for the ego. But when something goes wrong, if you’re God, you’re going to think it’s your fault. That’s a straight chute down to guilt. You have to come to a point of acceptance that there is a God, but you ain’t it.”
I found this such an interesting perspective. You may have times in a caregiving situation when you probably feel a bit God-like. A caree living alone moves in with you and, with your care and feeding, enjoys better health. Or, you watch others struggle to get your caree to bed (or into the bathroom or into the car) until you step in and show them how it’s done. You get tackle a to-do list without seeming to sweat. You have a magical way of meeting needs. To others, you may seem heaven-sent.
It would seem that the feeling that you can play God can certainly send you down the path to guilt.
So, today, in Tell Us, where you tell us what you wouldn’t tell another, do you feel you try to play God? Do you agree with Gail’s assessment?
(Editor’s Note: “Passages in Caregiving” is our September book club pick; we’ve scheduled Gail to join us on Your Caregiving Journey in late September to discuss her book.)
Related Articles
- How to Survive When You Become a Caregiver (services.newsweek.com)
Tags: gail sheehy, guilt
I think this also comes under the sub-title of No one can do it better then me? Cept I did discover others can to it is as well as I do, just maybe a bit differently. The end result being, mom has been well cared for.
Donna W´s last blog ..PICNICS, PARADES, PARTIES
so true my friend….there most definately is more than one way to do things “right” …. the way thats right for you!!
My relationship with my God is the most important aspect of my life. It truly does govern my life. I think my tendency to micromanage caregiving, however, at times is in reality my attempt to play God. This article plus some comments made to me here at this site and some comments my sisters made via Face book e-mail reminds me that there is no glory or profit in burning one self out. That is just pride. God wants me to rest in Him. Gail’s comment, “there is a God, but you ain’t it.” is so on target.
In another comment Gail said, “Keeping Clay alive was not within my powers. I had to give myself permission to fail.” I could translate that for me saying, “Keeping my husband, Wayne, alive and the best he can be is not within my powers. I can be used as a instrument in that process only if I remember that ultimately it is in God’s hands.” God, give me the grace to do this.
I totally agree that a caregiver needs to accept help–for both their benefit AND their caree’s. Our carees should be use to others caring for them, so in an event that we can’t, they are okay. Along with this, however, caregivers have to sometimes “step out on a limb” for the benefit of their caree–as their advocate. This can sometimes feel like playing God. Before my mother came to live with us, the nurses at the facility where she was, told me that she should not go to RI, that we would not be able to “handle her”. They said they were sure she had the onset of Alzheimers. I couldn’t believe that Alzheimers could come on so quickly. It didn’t make sense to me. Through a doctor in RI working with me, we were able to put a plan in place, to help my mother. Come to find out it was medication changes that had caused my mother’s change in behavior. So…while I know we absolutely need to have help and support in caregiving, we are the advocates. Sometimes we have to challenge what professionals tell us…which can sometimes feel like playing God. Caregivers possess “God-like” qualities: patience, kindness, steadfastness – I’m thankful we have God to lean on as we continue to stand strong in our caregiving roles.
Wow!! Great post…While I feel I am the main decision maker for my mother I truly do try hard to just do my best and really trust God is guiding me the right way. Yesterday I finished my day totally DRAWN!! I was tired, drained, tense..to be honest I was just totally depleted of strength. It was just a very hot day here…my son had car trouble, I had to run to the bank to get him $1700 as it was a lot of car troube!!..My point in telling the story…Life is totally out of our control!!..We cant plan what we will be writing in our journals tonight. We think we can play God…but as I learned yesterday, he sits upstairs and laughs when we do….Sometimes in caregiving we have those DRAWN days!!…people will say you look so exhausted today!!…On days like that I really trust God….I know he wants me to smile and not close the curtains but to bring the sunshine in…As Bette said, god like qualities…He really somehow does give us the Grace to do it as Sharon said..I dont know how…but somehow we wake up and do it all again….