Helping my mom put away groceries has become an eye-opening experience. Her cabinets are very organized; you can easily find what you need. All is organized by a caring hand.
But then I watch my mom re-fill the napkin holder. She’ll grab a large stack of napkins and then shove, shove, shove the stack into the holder until they somehow fit. The first person to take a napkin is in for a fight. As the first person on a regular basis, I’ve learned to gingerly remove the napkin stack, take one, cull the pack and then replace.
Watching the forcing of the napkins helped me understand how my mom will often force relationships. If she gave relationships more room, they’d have more room to develop and grow. More importantly, if she could loosen her grip–let go–she would know the relationship remains. If she could trust herself (and trust she will be loved), then she could trust the relationship.
I resemble my mom, so when I can gain an insight about her and I look to myself. What do I force in life?
I found my answer this weekend.
I love to read. And, typically, I will read the first few chapters of a book, then read the last few pages. I can’t wait. If I don’t know the ending, then I’m restless during the read. I can’t enjoy the book unless I know how it ends.
This weekend, I was almost half-way through a book when I realized I had yet to read its end. I paged through to the last few pages. And, then I thought: I don’t need to know the end. I’m enjoying the book just as it is. I continued reading the book just as it is meant to be read: from start to finish.
I often forced the future, tapping my foot when the future, in my mind, took too long to arrive. I wanted to know how life would unfold and I wanted to know right now.
Life moves at its own pace. When I enjoy its pace and believe in the arrival of future at the right time, I live a more engaged life. I enjoy today and let go of the impatience for tomorrow. I trust. Today is what we have; I can trust my future.
So, tell us: What do you force?
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You are a disruptor. The delivery of health care starts with you, continues because of you, and ends with you. Let's disrupt together to make the world better for family caregivers. 
Bette
I love this post. (: For years I’ve been waiting for something, and waiting…Yesterday I had a conversation with my older brother, and again he began “judging” our situation. He frequently shows his disapproval of our situation here and comments, “you have to get a life”. This time, it really hurt my feelings. I thought, I do have a life. I have worked really hard to provide a “life” for the kids and for all that goes on here. So….I called him back. I said, please don’t worry about me or us, we are okay, we do have a life here and it is a good life. Then I began to name some of the things that might go on here in a given day/week. When I relayed this to my husband, he very “matter of factly” said, “this is our life– with your mother, she is part of our life”. His comment gave me a strong reminder that yes, this IS it. We enjoy it, and dreams and the unexpected (good and not so good) come along the way. I definitely can sometimes want to rush to find the future.
Donna Ryan
often in my opinion when family makes statements about our lives it is out of guilt for perhaps not doing their share or even maybe jealousy as they really envy your life and relationship with your husband and wonderful children along with Mom. Im so glad you opened up and called him back!!…and your right, we have good days and bad ones but im beginning to learn that sometimes my darkest moments can turn into my greatest strength and I so enjoy life so much when all goes smoothly for sure…and for the most part Life Is Good….I know yours is wonderful…..your a special family
Denise
Hi Bette–Good for you! You stood your ground is such a respectful way. It’s interesting how your brother forces his idea of “a life” on you. You can only live your life–and you’re the only one who can determine what that is. I’m so glad you had the realization that this is it–it really is! As it is today, it is very good.
Donna Ryan
Im finding lately now that my son is almost 23 and has been waiting for over two years to be hired for a city position that Im forcing his future. There will be a large number of people being hired in July and I dont normally rush my life or his but I want it to be the middle of July to know is this the year your in?….budget cuts have made hiring for city jobs very slow…he has been stressed and lately has been stressing me as well. He is our only child and I know we planted good roots and whatever he winds up doing we will be proud . Im the person that always says tomorrow isnt more important than today…but for some reason Im not sticking to my guns now. Im trying though. Im not praying for God to give him his way…Im just praying for God to set him on his path whatever that may be..
yesterday I totally over reacted with him and totally stressed myself out but a good cry always helps. It helped me declutter my mind and while I was at it I cleaned out a closet and today am cleaning out drawers..and hey now I dont have to FORCE them open when stuff was just shoved in!!! As my sister always reminds me…they all find their way Donna….
Sharon
Your comment, Denise, about reading the last few pages of a book to see if it worth reading made me smile. I always used to do that. Got to find out if the book is worth reading and has a happy ending, right? I think I still might be tempted to do that sometimes. Don’t tell anyone, okay?
Sometimes we think we would like to know the ending of our real life stories. I know my eternal ending is going to be wonderful, but I sometimes would like to know what will lie ahead in the near future.
I am indeed a person who likes to know that “my ducks are in a row” so to speak. I think this whole process of caregiving is teaching me over and over that I really do not have final control over my future. I have responsibilities and do what I can to slow the progress of my husband’s disease, but in the end this disease is out of my control. I do know WHO holds my future, however. I do know that there will always be troubles in this life, but there also will be many joys. I also know that the future includes beauty for ashes.
Why is so difficult then to let go sometimes?
Donna Ryan
sharon….i had to comment on your last sentence…why is it so hard letting go?
to me, letting go of anything is saying goodbye…whether it be something silly like the string of a kite…or removing my hands that were entwined in my aunts the day she passed away…its hard to say goodbye and perhaps not see each other again or until we meet again we will miss it…its hard to let go of stuff, our children and our loved ones….even when I had to kiss my sister goodbye when I was leaving georgia was so hard…i didnt want to let go of the baby or the kids…I was so incredibly sad……
I know for certain however…I never thought I would ever be able to go on without my aunt….i believe god strengthens our acceptance muscles to go on. dont fear my friend, trust….and dont think of goodbyes or letting go right now:) do as I did with my aunt…embrace each day!!.. No cheating…enjoy the whole book!!!!!