The Things We Cannot See

I posted this on our family blog today, and am too exhausted to post anything else. Just wanted to share.

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As I type this, you are unable to see my broken heart.
You are unable to see the cloud of uncertainty and dread around me.
You are unable to see the waves of nausea I’ve been fighting since noon on Tuesday.
You are unable to see the peace I feel, despite it all.

Yesterday, in Winston-Salem, we received some answers about Chad’s ongoing battle with brain cancer.
They just weren’t the answers we were hoping for.

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We had some time to kill before meeting with Dr. T.
Boredom and curiosity got the best of me.
I inserted the most recent MRI disk into my laptop.
I had to see.

After scanning through images, I found what I was looking for.
And I had to step outside.
There was an overwhelming sense of nausea that took over me. I couldn’t shake it for hours.

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We saw Dr. T around noon.
He is always so pleasant, even when delivering unpleasant news.

Between March & now, Chad has developed several new brain tumors.
All of the new symptoms are clues to the health of his brain tissue; and it’s not good.
The new tumor growth is aggressive.

Dr. T rattled off a list of options, all starting with surgery slated for first thing Wednesday morning.
And then he mentioned that Chad would have to go back on chemo (Temodar); low dose — with no end date. That means he would be on chemo indefinitely.

I already knew Chad’s answer.
But I pushed him for surgery anyway.
A biopsy (to check the grade of the new tumors).
A new shunt (there is a ventricular area in the back of his head that is not draining due to the new tumor growth).
A revision to his right shunt tube (into his heart instead of his lung).
And a shunt patch to fix the leaky tube within his left chest wall.

I pushed.
And hard.

But Chad declined.
Just as I knew he would.

He is foregoing all treatment.

Chad does not have a significant amount of time.
Chad, physically, looks fine. It’s the things we cannot see. And that’s hard to reconcile, even for me.

Chad wants to see as many people as he possibly can; so if you would like to see him, please email me.
He has mentioned having a gathering of friends in the very near future, and I will share details as soon as they are available.

I will also be posting items here and there about things we may need in the future: meals, lawn care, etc.
Please keep an eye out for that if you would like to help.

Also, we want to specifically ask that no one treat our children any differently or speak about Chad’s condition around them.
Children have no real concept of time and we feel it’s best to keep our routine as normal as possible for as long as possible.
Carys is so smart and will figure things out quickly if people are acting differently around our family.

Thank you all so much for your endless support, prayers and positive thoughts.
Although this development hurts to hear, we are also relieved to have the answers we’ve sought for so long.
We plan to make the best of this Summer and spend a lot of time building memories for our children.

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