Today on Your Caregiving Journey, Anna Stookey joined us to continue our conversation about getting more help. You can listen to our show via the player at the bottom of the post.
Last month, we spoke about Self-Sufficiency Syndrome. Today, we took a closer look at those in the family who don’t help. And, as happens, when we look at others we turn to ourselves.
Anna shared an important an insight this morning: When we ask for help, we ask to be different and to be seen differently. We may take on a certain role in our family (nuturer, doer)–a role that we and others become comfortable in and with. When we ask for help, we are changing our role, which can cause discomfort for ourselves and for others.
And, here’s the key: We can be–just be–within the discomfort. It’s not our place to change other family members’ discomfort to comfort by saying, “Oh, gosh, I guess I can keep doing this. There’s no need to help.”
Here’s how it can look:
Carol, the family caregiver: “It’s really important for me to here for our caree. I can continue as long as I have two days off every month. How can we make that happen?”
Frank, a family member: “Oh, come on! You can’t be serious. You know I have too much going on right now. You know I’ve got a stressful job, an ex-wife who won’t give me a break and a teen-ager trying to send me to an early grave. I can’t believe you would ask me to help out with all that I’ve got going on.”
Rather than caving and removing her request, Carol says: “Yes, I understand. It’s a tough time for you. I also understand that I’m often worn out. I’ve made significant sacrifices. To keep going, I need two days off every month. I’ll let you give some thought as to how this can work. I’m open to all ideas. I’ll give you a call Tuesday to discuss.”
In this exchange, Carol spoke her truth (what she needs to continue) and dared to be different. She’s given Frank time to consider options. She’s also given herself time to research alternatives, in case Frank cannot step in. More important, she saved herself from rescuing Frank from his discomfort.
This next week, give some thought as to how you can dare to be different. Tell your truth, then take the dare.
Related Articles
- Diffusing Faulty Family Members (caregiving.com)
- Recovering from SSS and Facing Our Fears (caregiving.com)
- Letting Go of the Look of Stress (caregiving.com)
- Money, Stuff and Happiness (caregiving.com)
You are a disruptor. The delivery of health care starts with you, continues because of you, and ends with you. Let's disrupt together to make the world better for family caregivers. 
Sharon
I just listened to this broadcast, and there were some interesting concepts expressed. I do think it is true that it is difficult to let go because of fear that someone else will not do our caregiving responsibilities as well simply because we as caregivers have been doing it longer.
I have been checking into outside paid resources for this fall, because I would like to attend some concerts with some friends. Even this makes me a little nervous.
I would also accept outside help from relatives if offered. Taking care of a spouse is a little different than a parent, however. With a parent in theory at least all the siblings are supposed to take equal responsibility.
I’m not sure how much I should ask of my husband’s siblings, however. My own siblings live 500 miles away. Can I expect a sister of my husband for example to come in and help my husband to the bathroom, to pull down and up his pants, and to dress him for bed; if I would like to be gone for a more extended period of time? Getting and asking for help is not always just an issue of “letting go” and daring to ask for help.
Denise
Hi Sharon–I’m always so glad to read your perspectives. I look at caregiving as a family issue. I feel as much responsibility for caring for my parents, when they need it, as I do for my siblings, if they would need it. Of course, I may have a unique perspective. I guess the best way to understand how much your sisters-in-laws can help is to discuss with them. Who knows? Once they understand your needs and your challenges, perhaps a brother-in-law will step up to help. The key is to speak honestly about your situation and to ask for help, ideas, options.
A change in a caree’s condition that causes more intense caregiving is often only visible to the family caregiver. Incontinence, frailty, help with dressing are just a few of the secrets of a family caregiver. Others may be unaware that more help is needed simply because they don’t see when more help is given. That’s why it’s important to ask directly for more help–others can’t see that more help is needed.
I think all family caregivers run into the challenge of asking other families to be involved in personal care. Adult daughters hesitate with fathers; sons with mothers; sisters with brothers. These are the particularly sensitive challenges of caregiving. Again, I think the challenges can only resolved through open and honest dialogue.
I think it’s terrific to have this discussion. I hope it’s been as helpful for you as it has been for me. I also hope it’s a dialogue that becomes part of a family discussion for you.
Will you keep sharing how you feel about looking for and getting more help? These kind of changes can be hard. I hope we can help manage them.
Donna Ryan
I havent had a chance to listen to the show yet as I have had a busy few days but in response to what you ladies wrote…my family is 800 miles away so aside from asking my son to stay with grandma (which I do as I feel Im deserving of once in a while to go out with Kevin) I cant expect my sister or her kids to come and help me. I can understand how awkward it would be to ask someone to help her perform her bathroom needs…we try to help them avoid embarrassment….of course, if the day came I would never expect my son to clean grandma for instance…for that I feel I probably would hire someone to stay with her for a while. Mind you, Im not talking about leaving her every night or even for a week vacation….vacations are not in our radar at all for a while…and we leave mom very seldom with my son but we are deserving when we do….and I for one plan on continuing. My family is very supportive of me over the telephone but there arms are too far to help me….we are it!! I myself however and I have discussed this with my family, at times when I feel I need a little help together we will figure out ways to pay for it but I have no problem asking….
eva
YOU GUYS GAVE ME THE COURAGE TO ASK FOR A DAY OFF TOMORROW.
Denise
Eva!! This is wonderful! I’m anxious to hear more, when you have a chance.
I’m hoping the day off provides comfort, peace and rest.
eva
well my day off came with baby sitting 3 of my grandkids [I HAVE 10} MY SON CAME TO PICK THEM UP AFTER 10 P.M. SO TODAY IGO PICK UP MOM ,BUT I HAVE DECIDED TO ASK EACH OF MY SITERS (iHAVE4)TO HELP .
Denise
Hi Eva–Good for you! We have a series of articles, “Telling Your Truth to Form Your Team” that may help as you work with your sisters for more help http://www.caregiving.com/read/truth-team/">here. I’m so glad you keep us posted!