We’re taking time this week to reflect and to enjoy some down time. We’re also posing daily questions which prod reflection or action.
Today’s question is: What will you dive in and try?
Today, if you are new to our site, I hope you will dive in to our discussions (we’d love to meet you!).
Today, it’s about taking a chance, about diving into discomfort. Talk openly with your support system about a struggle. Find an activity that sounds fun and head out to enjoy it—by yourself. Set a boundary with a family member who oversteps their bounds. Delegate responsibility. Tell someone you love them.
Dive. Then, tell us about it in our comments section.
When you share in our comments section, you’ll be entered into a chance to win a great gift basket. Congratulations to G-J who won yesterday’s gift basket! And, be sure to check out our We Break for Summer! merchandise in our store; celebrate with a t-shirt or mug designed by our own Donna Webb. Shop here.
I took a dive! I am a caregiver for my husband. Since his sister retired, she calls almost weekly and cuts me down and criticizes what I do. For what reason, I don’t know! She has not come to see her brother in over four years, although she doesn’t live that far away, and we have never been “friends” anyhow. I told her I feel my home is my sanctuary from the outside world, and I can no longer allow you to speak to me the way you do, so I don’t plan on talking to you anymore! She never said she was sorry, so I guess that’s the way it will remain.
Hi Francine! You took a big dive! I’m so glad you shared with us once you came up for air. Support is so important–you are right to set the boundary with an unsupportive family member. This kind of dive may cause some discomfort for you. Sit with it a bit. Then, keep us posted!
Hi Francine,
I’m sorry you had to go through this. This happened with my sister-in-law and I. She is an RN, and was living in Maine near my mother. I was in RI with a new baby. There was no help offered and I repeatedly got calls to come to Maine. When I would try and find solutions, I was criticized. Finally, like you, I had to ask them to please stay away from the situation. I couldn’t resolve all the many issues when every time I turned around, I was criticized. It took a while for us all to work this out. Eventually, we did work it out. I apologized–they never did. Now I know to expect no help from them however. Learning to accept this and let the comments go (they still come), has helped me with all the problem solving that caregiving can sometimes entail. Family issues too. (:
I am going to dive in and have an honest conversation with one of my brothers today. Yesterday, he and his wife came to visit Mom. They are good about doing that every month or two, but never offer to help. My husband was out weeding Mom’s flowerbeds when they arrived, something that he has not been able to do since surgery in April. I think my brother was teasing him (I never quite know)when he commented, “It’s about time”. My husband countered with, “The lawn needs to be mowed (something he can’t do and that I’ve had to do, or hire done since April). My brother didn’t exactly jump at the opportunity. There have been many other little episodes like this one, and all have left us feeling unappreciated and frustrated. My “dive” for the day is going to be letting him know how tough things have been, and asking him for more support and physical help. I haven’t always been very good about doing that, partly because he has expressed the opinion that Mom belongs in a nursing home, which I am working extremely hard to prevent.
Oh, I can so relate to your comment, “Unit known as Shandi”.
My brother often expresses his opinion that my mother should be in a nursing home. I am trying hard to prevent this as you are with your mother. He left a message a couple of days ago that he needed to talk with me. I thought maybe if I was the one to call, the conversation might be easier (in my timing, etc.). I “took a dive” and did the calling today before he did. Maybe it was a bit better, but still strained. I get so frustrated with family members that are quick to judge or comment (or try and control), but very very slow to help, if at all. On top of this, my mother has been a bit moody to me, which can be so difficult…although bright, cheery and apprecitive when either of my brothers call. We think a lot about our caree’s dignity. We have to guard our own dignity as caregivers as well. We deserve respect as well. It is so easy to take comments to heart, especially when we may be a bit weary or worn down from “the grind” to begin with. I am really going to work towards tougher and… more confident skin, without letting my personality “dry out” from the water. (:
Thank you for the understanding, Bette. I love this website because caregiving is one of those things that you have to experience to truly understand. Maybe the flip is also true, you have to be an adult child who is not doing the caregiving to understand where our brothers are coming from. I try to wrap my head around it, but it is so hard. I did experience some of it years ago when my beloved grandma was in a nursing home, and her daughter was making the decisions (my dad had already passed away). Grandma would beg me to take her home with me, and I couldn’t. It was very frustrating, and out of my control. I knew my aunt was making the best decisions that she could, and that she cared deeply about my grandma.
My sister and I actually went and looked at four nursing homes on Monday, and I am trying to keep my mind and heart open to the possibility. I was unable to find possible benefits to Mom in that environment, and it served to reinforce my trying to keep her at home. Benefits to me, yes- in some ways. Physically, yes. Emotionally- probably not.
As we work on having a “tougher skin”, let’s work on not getting so tough that we lose our tenderness. After all, that’s got a lot to do with why we do what we do. Hard balance, isn’t it!