Loneliness even in midst of happy times can really be an ever present reality for a caregiver. Friday was my husband’s and my anniversary. In past years I always enjoyed our anniversary. It was a celebration of our love. We would almost always go out to eat, and my husband would always give me a loving card that he picked out.
This past Friday which was our anniversary was a nice day in many ways. I got to see my grandkids perform at a couple of their activities. My husband and I BOTH saw their Bible school program at night. We even stopped to eat before the program. Past years we would have tried to go somewhere special to eat for our anniversary, however. This year I ordered, and we ate in the car. Because of my husband’s issues and so I can get some sleep, we also each went to our separate beds at night. So our anniversary seemed somewhat symbolic of what is so different in our relationship now. We both love each other, but it seems so different from the husband-wife relationship we once enjoyed.
Saturday was a enjoyable day for us because we were able to go to the parade together. As I said before our grandkids were in the parade. It truly was a day which we both enjoyed together. But again because of all the activity of the last couple days, my husband is exhausted today. He is sleeping away the day again. I usually try to keep Saturdays pretty activity free, so we can go to church together on Sunday mornings. Because of his fatigue I told him to stay home today. There is a certain loneliness in attending church alone. This is especially true, because it has been such an important aspect of our lives for so many years. We have evening services in our church also. I have been attending them alone for a long time. Sometimes it feels a bit like being a widow. I am not a widow, however, so what am I? Caregiver? Wife in the fullest sense of that word?
I really am thankful that I still have my husband. I am so thankful also for my many other blessings, but sometimes it is so hard. When I read Skye’s blog I feel like I have nothing to be sad about, but I guess one can’t help one’s feelings. While my husband was sleeping I did drive down to the State Park for an hour or so and enjoy the waves of Lake Michigan. That does help to give one a better perspective.
Sharon…That is what I love about coming on this site. We can express our true feelings and you did it so well in this post. Of course the celebration of your wedding anniversary would be met with bittersweet moments. You dont have to explain to any of us how incredibly grateful you are that your husband is still here to share the day with you however you miss the relationship and celebtations of anniversarys gone by. Thank you so much for sharing these very heartfelt and truthful feelings with us. We caregivers dont always have to tell the world we got it all together. sometimes we have feelings of sadness too. please know despite those feelings you carry such a bright light within your soul and the glow and all of your wisdom shines on all of us.
Sharon- I know exactly what you mean! It is a very lonely life being a caregiver. My husband has cognitive issues as well as other disabilities, so he’s not totally in his right mind. I can’t have a conversation with him. Our friends have slowly disappeared over the years! Our kids hardly come around, and I see the neighbors having get-togethers to which we are never invited, although in the past when I have baked things I have always went around and shared with them. I sit in my bedroom like the hired help watching t.v. while he is in the livingroom, either sleeping or flip, flip, flipping the channels. It’s my life too, but I am trapped! I sit here waiting on him, day in and day out for over a decade now. No days off, no vacations! We never even got to the age of retirement before he became disabled! All the dreams of trips and fun are long gone.
Hi Sharon–You captured so well the emotions of your experience. Skye’s experience helps us all see that we have much to be grateful for. You have sadness, too, and you have a right to express and feel it. I hope you settle in for a restful evening and a good night’s sleep. I’m so grateful that you share your days with us. I feel so honored that you do.
Hi Sharon,
I love that we each can express our feelings here as well.
I am sorry that each of us have to endure what we do. My husband said tonight, he knows there is a reason that I am challenged as I am (sometimes even when we are away from our caree) and I know that for each of us here. I’m sure a big part of that reason is being a support to each other and truly understanding. Sometimes I feel, as I’m sure others do too, that I’ve learned enough, now it’s time to watch others learn. (:
Sharon, it’s so brave of you to express all of this. I understand so well–celebrations are so hard when they don’t look like what you used to have, or like what others have. Lifting you up as you find unexpected blessings in this new season.