Ok, I need everyone’s help here. I am writing a piece called Replacement Therapy. I am looking for ideas of what to do to replace all the things I have done for mom these past years, fill those time slots with instructive, creative, supportive alternatives. Remember, there are emotional connections worked in there, habits of doing specific things at specific times. Restrictions of freedom that have to be broken through.
So, anyhow, shoot me some ideas. These are things I like/love to do…ok just got stuck on that, give me a minute…obviously I love to write about caregiving, and will continue to do so, I love my new blogTalkRadio show (The Bear Hug Waltz) and will continue with that, I have signed up for a month of classes on Powerful Tools for caregivers, did that a month or so ago.
So, apart from those things, travel, visiting the sons and grands, photography, movies, reading the Word, my Nook, and other books, creating things with my Printmaster, making candles, making jewelry, cooking/baking, walking, making floral arrangements, rearranging rooms and accessories, singing in the choir (sol0s), watching cooking, and travel shows on TV, I used to do lots of types of crafts years ago, but stopped a long time ago, not a real interest anymore. Oh and I use to do tons of gardening too.
So there you have it, can’t thinks of anything else really, oh a couple loves, I love pens and purses lol I try to restrain myself though, with my husbands help lol. So, can anyone make sense of all this. Oh yes, I do like to listen to all kinds of music, but it has pretty much been squelched while living here.
So, the person I was when I moved in here meta-morphed into a caregiver—stranger then life lol. I need to find parts of the old me and combine them with the newly meta-morphed me! Any ideas? It’s all about replacing all these caregiving moments with me moments.
Your blog really touched me as I lost my 24-year old son on April 10, 2008. He was totally dependent on me for his caregiving (quadriplegic from Spinal Muscular Atrophy and advanced scoliosis). After devoting every moment of my life to him, I was lost when he was gone. Even though I have a husband and two other adult children, every decision in my life was tempered by the effect it would have on my son. Our meals were prepared around his needs, as well as errands were planned around those who could assist me.
Since his passing, I have had a few articles published (usually on the subject of my son) and I have published a cookbook focused on the foods he could eat (“I Can Eat That!”). Like you, I am still floundering after all this time as to how to fill the gap in my day and the huge hole in my heart. God is the buoy keeping me afloat during this interim time.
Hi Donna–I’m not sure how well my suggestion will work (this is a new idea so I’ve not tried it out), but what about this:
1. Write down the schedule (time and task) of caregiving responsibilities for your mom.
2. Once you have your list (because you love lists, you may have this already), write down one thing you enjoy about each task with your mom.
3. Then, use this list of enjoyments to begin to recreate your day: Replace the caregiving activity with an activity that creates a similar experience or emotion or enjoyment for you. Perhaps during the time when feeding your mom took place, you now bake or write down your mom’s favorite recipes. And, perhaps when you provided personal care, you now use that time to create with your hands.
4. I would also say that, for now, build in some quiet time. During the quiet time, contemplate: How will you use free time, when you have it? How will you bring your caregiving knowledge to the community? Who will you be when you go out as a “Godspeed Caregiver”? What would your mom wish for you during this next stage of life?
5. Finally, this transitioning will be bumpy. Feel the bumps, take time to readjust. The bumps can be a great guide.
Hope this helps!
I sometimes think about this too. How will I transition from something so intense as caregiving to being all alone? I think Denise has some good ideas. I would not be in a hurry to conquer the world. Take time to grieve, and then slowly add things meaningful to you to your schedule and life. You do not need to be in a big rush to do this. It sounds like you have a ton of interests and passions. Test the waters slowly, and see where God leads you.
I agree…give yourself some down time….some rest….the answers will come….
I truly believe God closes one door and eventually opens another. Dont overthink….things will come to you. You even mentioned that on your blog show….you never in your wildest dreams would have thought when you started writing how far you would come….tomorrow isnt more important than today…take it one day at a time…..one step at a time.
We are all here to keep you company when you need it as well:)
I will talk to you soon my friend:)
Hi Donna,
I am sorry for all the transitions that lie ahead. Caregiving affects all of our phases of life.
It sounds like you have many areas that capture your interest. Thankfully you remember each of them!
I agree, it will take time, but thinking about it and trying to decipher it all is a very big step in the right direction.
Donna,
Transitioning will be interesting. I think you have a good start with all those things that interest you. I don’t know if I could list that many! I’m impressed. I’d say to write down any appealing idea that comes to you so you don’t forget it. In the future you can look at that list and research those that appeal to you at the time.
Wow! Sounds like you’ve got all kinds of interest!! You should have lots to keep you busy! But I’m sort of along Denise’s lines. I’d make a wish list of things you’d like to do. And then plan when you want to do those things on your list. I do that now! You like to cook and bake. Well, try something you’ve never made! How about bread? I’d like to learn that myself! You can get lost on the internet researching all types of how to’s and recipes. Or make a meal from another country once a month. That too can keep you busy researching! Get a tape of music from that country from the library to play while you’re cooking and dining! Pamper yourself. Get some lovely bath salts, or give yourself a pedicure, or better yet, go out for one! You can have almost as much fun making out a list of things to do, and looking at it, and planning for it, than really doing it! You said you have grandkids? I had a pajama brunch for New Years Day. It was a bit of planning and making things for it, but it really paid off in the end, my grandkids had a blast coming over in their jammies, and so did their parents! I also had a Halloween party for them. I love to make and decorate sugar cookies, so I made plenty of those! It gave me something to do our of the norm! I got lost in my activities! Or how about a tea party for some of your friends? You could plan a event for every month, or every other month! But also plan on getting out and being among people! And you mentioned having a husband….well don’t forget about him. You can plan dates and cozy times together! A movie night, even if it’s at home, or even dinner by candlelight can make a plain dinner special! Good luck to you – sounds like you’re already on your way with all the interests you have!
replacement therapy began tonight…Gary and I went out…together..got a DQ icecream cone, then went to Barnes and Noble, got a starbucks coffee and a little light for my nook. So, we did something together outside of the house, things we like to and haven’t done for along time. But now we are back here and reality is yelling at me…..what about tomorrow?
Donna, I am sorry our time on the chat line this morning was so limited. I want to once again tell you how sorry I am about the loss of your Mom. May you find comfort in the fact that she is in heaven. I pray that you will gradually be able to fill up those empty moments with good things.
For those of you who don’t read this on facebook, I just was reminded last night by my brother that my father was born on August 16th…..Mom passed away Monday, August 16th……! Happy birthday to dad!
Wow! That is something, Donna. Even though our relationships in heaven are different, what a day of rejoicing and reunion that must have been for your Dad.
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I was going over them again this morning to see what I could begin to implement in my routine, of which I am not sure I even have! I also am working to finish the blog Replacement Therapy I would like to add all your suggestions to that blog, because they benefit not just myself but others who are trying to find that life after caregiving. If you do not want me to post your comment with my blog please let me know. The blog will go on my new site, Traveling This Journey Together, http://travelingthisjourneytogether.blogspot.com
Thanks everyone!