NPR featured a segment yesterday morning called “Teary-Eyed Evolution: Crying Serves a Purpose”
Reporter Allison Aubrey writes:
Maybe good criers were survivors.
“Crying seems to elicit compassion and guilt,” (says Jesse Bering, who directs the Institute of Cognition and Culture at Belfast University), “and that itself may be an evolved mechanism to save relationships in distress.”
Or survive an experience that causes great distress?
What greater tearjerker in life is there than caregiving? What would caregiving be without a really good cry?
So, what do you think? Does crying help you survive caregiving?
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I cried very little when caregiving, only if I allowed myself to look deep into mom’s blue eyes, then I might have a moment. I couldn’t allow myself the immenseness of that emotion to weaken me. Now, it’s a whole different thing, loss and grief are often relentless abusers of those who mourn.
I have to identify with what Donna W. I very rarely have allowed myself to cry during this experience, because there is little time for such a “luxury”, and I just don’t have the privacy or space to “let go”.
I hadn’t really ever considered that I’m not allowing myself to cry. Interesting.
When my dad died 24 years ago, I had two preschool aged boys and a newborn daughter. I didn’t allow myself to grieve, for many of the same reasons that I don’t cry now. Unfortunately, my unconscious took over and blocked almost all memories of my dad. I remember events, but not how he looked, or smelled, or the sound of his laughter. In some ways, that block was as hard as facing his death.
Many years later, I had a dream. My dad was holding me and talking to me, and laughing. It all came back. But, I think it was at least 10 years later. I woke up crying because I didn’t want to wake up! I think that God knew how much I needed that.
So, based on this conversation, I’m thinking that maybe I should be allowing myself to cry for Mom and her situation. I don’t want the same memory block when I think about Mom in later years.
I must say, I am a cryer….sometimes when Im stressed or if things are piling up that is my way of coping and it lets a lot of my emotions and frustrations out. As most know I focus on humor more than sadness however I most definately am a person that does cry as well.
In terms of when my aunt passed away…of course I shed tears however for me as much as I miss her…and I do terribly….I dont like to let myself stay down for long. To me, mourning is not bringing her back. In her case she was very sick and it was her time to leave me. I would not be saying this if it were my husband or my son…but with my aunt who was just like my mother I felt relief that she was in a better place…I dont want to move backwards…I know I will see her again…..
Caregiving was stressful then and is becoming somewhat so know that Im back doing it again with mom….so for now when I cry it is more out of stress….but Im the type of person that feels if I stay down it really is a waste of my precious time…and my second half of life has no time to waste….!!
I think crying does help you survive caregiving. A lot of frustration can be released through crying. If I am really feeling sad about our situation or the fairness…crying really does help me feel better and ready to carry on again.
I grew up as a sensitive child who felt my emotions deeply. I remember coming home from university and seeing my very favourite grandma sitting like a vacant statue on the hallway chair. She was physically there, but for me, she was gone. I burst into tears and my Dad immediately told me to stop behaving like a child.
So when my husband was diagnosed with dementia 3 1/2 years ago (age 57), I didn’t cry. I kept myself SO busy that I couldn’t and wouldn’t face the pain of losing my dreams and my husband. But…all those years of keeping my tears inside caught up with me. Two years ago a life coach recognized this and gave me permission to cry. I was able to release those emotions which were stuck and blocking my happier ones from coming through.
What a relief. If I feel like crying (whether I am sad or happy), I do. It is a good release for me. I love to ‘look for good’ in situations, but now I don’t deny the pain. I stay there long enough for a good cry and that’s it. As Bette mentioned “I am ready to carry on”.
yes, it is necessary to have that “moment”, but then carry on as Bette said. Actually, I think allowing that moment, that release of emotions, pent up anguish as it could be defined…, in some ways gives strength to continue.