Photo by Qwertzy2, Wiki Commons
On the radio this morning, I heard two DJs discuss the “five qualities of a stellar mom.” They are, as described in this article at PsychBlog:
1. A Strong Intuition
2. A Knack for Nurturing
3. The Ability to Keep Your Cool
4. A Willingness to Ask for Help
5. A Playful Attitude
Of course, hearing about a list like this makes me wonder: What are the qualities of a stellar family caregiver?
My list follows.
1. A respect for limits.
Caregiving can make you feel like a door mat. It also has the potential of leading you beyond your capability (or your home’s or your budget’s). Understanding your limits and then respecting them by getting help and making adjustments keeps you and your caree safe. You also understand that opinions and judgments about your limits cannot impact how you define your limits. Your limits, however wide or narrow, are just that—yours. (Our free webinar on August 25 will help you find your limits; register here.)
2. A knack for problem-solving.
Caregiving breeds problems. You solve one and, bam!, another knocks on the door. The problem with caregiving’s problems is that solutions are often not readily available. So, knowing when to punt, how to think outside the box and how to piece together a solution is critical.
3. A resilient spirit.
Caregiving will kick you and then kick you again when you’re down. It can be tough to get back up. The ability to do just that—keep trying, start over, face another day—ensures you’ll get where you want to be.
4. A thick skin.
Caregiving will introduce you to insensitive family members and friends, an uncaring health care system and an uncooperative caree. If you let every upsetting comment or situation affect you, you’d never get out of bed again. Your thick skin helps you remember: It’s not about you.
5. An abundant sense of humor.
The beauty of caregiving lies in its incredibly funny experiences. You laugh, and laugh a lot, because, simply, it’s funny. And, in the laughing, you keep crippling stress at bay.
How did I do? What traits would you add?
Updates
- Tomorrow on Your Caregiving Journey, at 9 a.m. CT: Connie Goldman, author of “The Gifts of Caregiving, Stories of Hardship, Hope and Healing” and “Tending the Earth, Mending the Spirit, The Healing Gifts of Gardening,” tells us the how the gifts of gardening can heal the heartache of caregiving. Listen live (and download the podcast for later listening) here.
- Look for a schedule of chats next week. We’ll schedule time in our chat room so you can connect with others in similar situations (sandwiched caregivers, spousal caregivers, long-distance caregivers, etc.)
You are a disruptor. The delivery of health care starts with you, continues because of you, and ends with you. Let's disrupt together to make the world better for family caregivers. 
Emily Placido
Wow! You did great! Those are terrific traits and spot-on. Right now, I can’t think of anything else to add.
Michelle Seitzer
I agree with Emily – this list is spot-on. I would add that a sensitivity to/awareness of your care recipient’s needs is very important, especially for those care recipients who are non-verbal.
Part of that sensitivity is being aware of needs beyond just a bath, a meal, or assistance with ADLs/IADLs. Maybe the caree needs some time alone, or would like a book to read. Maybe they’d like to make a phone call to a friend. I’m thinking of Maslow’s hierarchy here – humans need more than just food and shelter, they need affirmation, love, safety, independence, etc. I’m not suggesting the caregiver has to be the one to meet all of these needs (referencing the very wise item #1 on your list, Denise), but they should check in with the caree now and then to see if there is something they could do to foster the satisfaction of these needs.
If they cannot drive, or are not ambulatory, for example, perhaps they would like to take a walk or go for a ride for no particular reason other than to do it. They may not get the full satisfaction of just picking up and going when they please – they may still have to rely on someone to get them there – but it meets a need that goes beyond getting in the car for a specific purpose (i.e. going to the pharmacy, or the doctor’s office).
I think that even the best caregivers can get so wrapped up in the daily grind/tasks of caregiving that they forget the whims/preferences/hobbies/habits of the unique individual for whom they are providing care.
Maybe that’s why many older adults feel like a burden, or are afraid to ask for something “silly” like a chick flick, or a bag of greasy potato chips, or fill in your favorite comfort food/activity/etc. when their loved one is bathing, clothing, and feeding them every day.