Often times, I choose not to share the added challenges that caregiving can bring with Greg.
Although, even when we were dating we talked about the possibility of caring for my mother one day (my dad had passed away), somehow I feel like this responsibility is ‘more mine’, and I worry about what his responses might be.
So many times in caregiving (or in raising children) there are no quick answers or a way to fix a problem, but instead just a need to talk or to vent.
I try and keep a lot of stresses (a bad school day, finances, surprise repairs…) from Greg, thinking somehow it will make up for the additional challenges, planning, and stresses that we experience at times with caring for my mother.
Moving several times (I apologize, I know I moan a lot about this) does not yield immediate supportive friends. And, feeling solo in caregiving and the responsibilities a household brings can be overwhelming at times.
I am thinking there must be others that feel this way. A plan is needed to make some changes (an “ESP”).
I want to begin talking more with Greg about the pressures of caregiving (and other daily challenges). I can only imagine that sharing pressures should make a family stronger, benefiting us as well as the kids. However, with my siblings’ responses to my mother’s stroke and dementia, this strength may not be the case.
Has anyone felt as though certain people have to be sheltered from your caregiving challenges? Maybe this is not just new to me.
Bette,
I think you should definitely share with Greg. I think he needs to know what you are going through. However, I understand your concerns about sharing with others. I have had some underwhelming and sometimes very disappointing exchanges with family. On the other hand, some family and friends have been tremendously supportive. I have learned, based on passed reactions, to share only the bare facts with some family members, while I can really unload with others. And it has surprised me who has stepped up and who has not.
In my caregiving class, we have been encouraged to keep a journal and share at least some of it. Writing things out can help. Sharing with someone you can trust helps more.
Hi Bette–I think this is a great question. I think we talked about this on the talk show but heck if I can remember when and with who.
You’ve given me some thoughts to ponder and a different perspective. I’m not a big share-er. And, I wonder: Am I not sharing to shelter others? Or myself?
I’m looking forward to hearing from others on this one!
I shared a lot, (really?) and I continue to share, only about the past experiences…but the sharing goes on, helping not just me, but those who hear or read what I share. I have to keep doing that, it can’t stay buried inside me, especially now, it is a needed part of my healing process.
I like to share because I want to raise the status/awareness of dementia and to calm some of the fears surrounding it. If someone is truly interested (you can tell the ones who want to hear more) then I might tell a funny, or frustrating, story or two. I am proud of what I am learning with each new situation and I like to share my ‘ahas’ with other people. These lessons will help anyone has a challenge in their life. Which pretty well covers the planet. I try to be aware of my whining, although sometimes it is necessary!
Bette,
I care for my mother-in-law and I shelter my own parents from the situation. I know that they worry that the situation is too much work and stress on me. I can’t call my mother as often as I used to because I know that she will recognize in my voice when I am sad or feeling stressed.
I think I have been “sheltering” my husband too much by letting him “go about his usual business” as much as possible to spare him as much stress as possible. Then, I get to feeling like I am in the caregiving role by myself and become resentful
I have found that many friends don’t REALLY want to know what goes on at my house! My sitters are the best people to let of steam with and share “funnies” with. And, as you already know, reading these blogs helps tremendously!
A BIG thank you to all who write & post.
Diana
I went again to Zumba tonight! It is very fun. I had to call home at one point (before the class started). Rees answered the phone. He said that Greg was in helping Nah-na. That was the first time that this has happened to me. Usually I am the one “in helping Nah-na”. He was taking her in dinner (she hadn’t felt well today) and helping her find a TV channel. I immediately felt badly…but he reassured me, he was glad to help.
I think it is important to “share” our days and our days in caregiving. Families can be on the same team. (: