Dr. Cacioppo wrote a book called Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. He says that humans need a deep connection with the people around us and, without it, there is a higher risk for chronic disease and early death. There was a study in 2007 at the Rush Alzheimer’s Disease Center that showed that lonely people were twice as likely to get Alzheimer’s disease late in life. In a 2005 study at Carnegie Mellon University  lonely first-year students showed a weaker immune system when receiving the flu shot.

So how does this relate to our journey as caregivers? When my husband, Dave was initially diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia four years ago, I felt alone. For the first couple of years I was searching for other baby boomers going through a similar situation. I felt disconnected from the world because I didn’t know how someone could possibly understand the challenges of caring for someone with dementia? The burden was immense and very lonely. And…I was depressed and getting sick easily.

It was hitting rock bottom that shook me out of my daze of  this lonely existence. I softened my tough exterior and starting asking and accepting help–without feeling weak or that I have to give something in return. I came out from hiding and reconnected with close friends; and I made it a priority to spend more time with Dave.

Dr. Cacioppo says it is essential to give each other complete attention, to aim your noses right at each other and have deep, meaningful conversations.

Hmm…but how do I do that with a husband who talks about surface stuff? If Dave isn’t asking me 100 questions, then he is talking about which way the clouds are moving, or how many birds in the tree. So yesterday I did a little experiment. Every afternoon I sit with Dave for a couple of hours before making dinner. Only I always have my iPad on my lap– constantly checking emails, or playing video games like Pocket Frog or Tap Zoo–mindless but fun games.

Yesterday I left my iPad in the den and I sat across from Dave—nose to nose. We chatted about the birds, the clouds, about people walking their horses on the road and other superficial stuff but it was enjoyable. I asked Dave if he noticed whether something was missing and he said…you’re usually sitting over there (on the couch) and working on your machine (iPad). He said that he didn’t mind because he is proud of what I’m doing to help others. I confessed that I was playing games. His next comment…I’m really enjoying talking with you. We don’t do this very often.

He’s right. I sit with him but it is quantity over quality. It does make a difference and the same goes for my kids or even when I’m speaking with my friends on the phone. I love that image…nose to nose. Think about that the next time you are spending time with a loved one–quality over quantity and nose to nose!

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