The hardest part of being a caregiver in my opinion is knowing you are doing the best you can, but is still not appreciated.
In my house, I am not the only caregiver. My dad, sister also are caregivers for my mom. My mom and I always had such a great relationship; like I had mentioned in the previous blog, we did everything together. When she first became ill everything she asked for I gave her.
I realized that the only thing we were doing was enabling her to not do anything. I started putting my foot down when she would ask us to buy her fast food everyday. Of course, whenever she wanted to sleep all day I would make her get up and do excercises.
In her eyes I was just being mean and evil, but in reality I was doing it for her own good. I just want her to try and do her exercises without us having to beg her. During the day my sister and dad are with her while I work Monday thru Friday 9-5pm. My sister always lets her do whatever she wants which makes me look like the “evil step mom”—that is actually what my mom calls me! At first I didn’t care because I knew that I really do love her and everything I was doing was for her best, but months later me being called the evil one is getting pretty old. No one in the house really defends me when she sits there and insult me. As much as I love her she can be pretty mean.
Today was no different. Since 4am she wanted me to get up and get her out of bed. I didn’t go to sleep until 1am since she kept needing to use the restroom. I told her it was too early to get up and she had to wait until 8am when everyone was up. At 7am—when my sister came home—she started crying telling my sister how mean I had been to her and that she knows when she dies I am going to regret everything I do to her.
I of course just left to work without eating breakfast or finishing getting ready, I just couldn’t take another day of this crap. It really sucks starting the day with arguments, but there is no way we can make her understand. I just needed to vent a little so I decided to come and write here where at least I know I will be understood.
You are a disruptor. The delivery of health care starts with you, continues because of you, and ends with you. Let's disrupt together to make the world better for family caregivers. 
Denise
Hi–The battle of the wills is so frustrating and exhausting. It’s also awful to feel like you are being punished for doing what’s right–because you are doing what’s right. I wonder if it would help if you could separate your mom from her illness. Meaning, her illness causes her to act in a mean-spirited way. As your mom, she totally loves and supports you, including how you care for her. It’s just the illness gets in the way of her ability to express this.
It’s hard to keep your spirits up when you don’t hear appreciation and gratitude. We appreciate you. And, we thank you–it’s amazing all that you do. You are awesome!
Unit Known as Shandi
Liliana,
I’m sorry you are having such a tough time right now. I completely understand. One thing that has helped around here is making a list of what needs to be done each day, especially when it comes to my mom’s needs. We keep a log and record things, so that each caregiver (right now it is myself and two others) know what has been done. It helps Mom, too, to realize what to expect in each day. With all of us having similar requirements, it helps. Ultimately, though, I am the one that says, “Yes, Mom…you do have to go the dentist”, or whatever it is!
Hope that helps. Maybe a family meeting with your dad and sister, listing what your Mom’s needs are, would help. Include your mom if she’s able.
Bette
Hi Liliana,
I’m so sorry for all of the personality challenges that come as well, with caregiving. I too, have been known as the bad guy here. Other family members can sometimes appear to do no wrong…(:
However, rest assured that your mom knows how much you care about her and love her. The fact that you are concerned about her health choices–when you are going through so much yourself, speaks very highly of who you are and what you stand for. And, your writing here exhibits that care and concern as well.
If your mom was 100% she would be able to communicate that to you, and thank you.
You are doing a wonderful job Liliana, helping your mom’s care-needs to continue to be in good place.
Just don’t forget, amongst all these challenges, to remember you as well.