Today marks the two-year anniversary that my mom became ill. It was just around this time that they had told us she was bleeding in the brain and she would be transferred to a bigger hospital.
I have gone through a lot of emotions today, wish I could say Happiness was one of them. I am tired of giving everything I can to make my family work, but knowing we are all broken. On the outside we all pretend we get along but behind closed doors it is all fights. Well I am ready to give up on this fight. I am tired of keeping this to myself, but the reality is that my dad’s way of forgetting his problems is drinking.
He won’t admit he is depressed and get any help, so he drowns his self in alcohol. If that way of coping wouldn’t affect us I wouldn’t give a crap, but in reality is killing all of us. Every weekend is the same crap, he drinks away all day in his garage while we are stuck at home all day taking care of Mom. God forbid we say something when he is drunk and the arguments begin.
About a month ago I decided to confront him and my payback was getting kicked out of home. I came back because my mom and sister need me, but the next day he just pretended nothing happened. The problem is we don’t forget. My brother and him don’t get along anymore, they both have the same attitude (even if they don’t realize it) and bump heads all the time.
Today was no different than any other weekend. We all were invited to my friends high school graduation. On our way there I asked him to please not drink a lot because I didn’t want him to do a show there. Of course he got offended and refused to go. My sister, mom and I still went, but doon came back to drop her off. When we came back, we walked into an argument between my dad and brother. He was upset at us (I’m guessing for being out while he took care of Mom) and even said to forget we had a father. Not sure where all this came from, but we just ignored him while he went to sleep.
Today I feel like giving up. I am tired, angry and jealous of everyone elses life. I know other peoples problems are bigger, but the life I am living right now is nothing I want to live for. There are good days, but in reality more bad than good. Sorry for this depressing blog, but my depression can no longer be kept inside.
You are a disruptor. The delivery of health care starts with you, continues because of you, and ends with you. Let's disrupt together to make the world better for family caregivers. 
Denise
Hi Liliana–I’m so glad you told us about your dad. There’s no shame in the truth.
I can only imagine how it must feel to lose both your parents–right before your eyes. It’s scary and maddening at the same time.
I wonder if you have looked into Al-Anon? If not, perhaps connecting with others who have a similar struggle might be helpful. It might be a bit freeing to just talk it out with others who know what it’s like.
I’m so sorry that you have to manage the impact of your mom’s illness and your dad’s drinking. These issues affect you but do not define you. You have dreams and goals and gifts that are so important. Continue to nurture and protect them. And, know we are right here to help you do that.
Bette
Hi Liliana,
I’m so so sorry for all that has trailed behind your mother’s illness. And you continue to be not only the strong one, but the one that tries to help with communication and emotions as well.
The concern you have for your sister is very special.
Thinking of you and hoping that your dad will find the help he needs – beginning within himself.
Thank you for sharing. Please hang in there.
Jane
Liliana:
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Your whole family has been impacted by your mom’s health and unfortunately, we all handle things differently. In my case, I try to get involved in pulmonary hypertension/congenital heart defect community and speak out when I can. This makes me feel not quite so helpless.
Nicole doesn’t want anything to do with anybody that has the same disease she does and tries to distance herself.
My husband knows how sick she is but feels that she should do anything a healthy person should be able to do. I have a tendency to let her slide on a lot of things (chores etc.) because of her illness.
Hang in there and don’t give up.
Hugs:o)
Jane
kristin
Liliana, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I agree with Denise that you might find relief through Al-Anon. This is a wonderful resource that can help you deal with at least one of your stressors. I know you feel like giving up, but you are not the kind of person to do that. You will keep plugging away, and having the folks at Al-Anon to share your burden with can keep you from imploding. It’s a great way to take care of yourself.
Trish
Liliana, Thank you for sharing more of your story. As Denise said, there is no shame in the truth and now that it’s out in the open, you can get some help for yourself. You can’t make your dad get help (you can hope for it, but can’t make him). I echo the others here in recommending Al-Anon. It may seem like one more thing to do and that you just couldn’t take time away but you must. For you. You will find others who feel like you do and there is great comfort in that (like, hopefully, you’ve found at this site for caregiving). Hang in there and please come back here to vent anytime. Take care.
Kathy
Liliana,
I can only repeat what has already been said.
Just wanted you to know you are being thought of