Tell Us: What’s It Like for You With Family?
Jun 6 2011 in Denise's Blog, Tell Us by Denise
Caringlizi, one of our members, wrote yesterday:
Dealing with my husband’s progressing brain tumor is bad enough, but I just don’t know what to do with his family. I feel so invisible at times, bullied at others. Not sure if I want to hide in the closet or yell.
Can anybody relate?
Sometimes, managing the family (yours, your caree’s) can seem like managing a regiment of complicated medications. Some family members you can take in the morning, others cause you to take too much candy after an interaction. And, if you mix up the regiment, you get too many complications—misunderstandings, hurt feelings, awful arguments. And, of course, you also get the upset stomach.
So, what’s it like for you with family? Please share your experiences in our comments section, below. And, one of our commenters will win an autographed copy of my book, Good Morning! Sunny Reflections to Start Your Day.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Resources
- What’s caregiving like for you? Share your experiences in our 2011 Annual Family Caregiver Survey; get a 30-minute coaching session with Denise and a chance to win a $100 Amazon.com gift card. Take the survey here.
Jane said on June 6, 2011
My husband works at his brother’s shop (auto repair) and he doesn’t have a clue what is going on with Nicole. He never asks about her and doesn’t understand why Rick is stressed out. He either is clueless and/or he is too wrapped up in himself. He just doesn’t realize how ill she is. His ex-wife showed him the video’s from Hawaii and his comment was “are you trying to make me feel guilty?”
I think that I have had more problems with friends. The friends that I thought would stand by me haven’t and the ones that I never thought would have. Which is very hurtful.
I think it comes down to this and I read this in A New Kind of Normal by Carol Kent. Life is going on all around us, and family and friends are living their normal lives and we are still adjusting. I rarely have people (friends, neighbors) contact me on a regular basis to see how we’re doing etc. I feel like we live in this box all by ourselves.
Liliana said on June 7, 2011
Jane-
Make some space, because I want to join you guys in your “box”
Hopefully the people that have distanced themselves from you since Nicole got sick never need help/shoulder because then they will realize how it feels to be betrayed.
Liliana said on June 7, 2011
My moms brother has been living with us since I can remember. He is a 40yr old child who likes to do nothing. No one in the house speaks to him except my mom and brother.
Since my mom became ill, he has done nothing to help. We even have to wash his dishes because the man just comes upstairs (he lives in the basement) to eat and leaves his plate right where he ate.
The minute he walks into a room, everyone gets in a bad mood. No one understands why we dislike him, well try living with him and you will know. He pays rent therefore we have let him stay because the extra money helps, but now that we will be living in an apartment he will have to find a place to go.
He is the cause of my stomach pain every day!
Trish said on June 7, 2011
I have to say that my family and friends has been extremely supportive. I spend a great deal of time away either visiting Robert or taking him to appointments or to the hospital to get his head stapled (not lately — yay!). I’ve also branched out and brought him for overnight visits (we don’t have a downstairs bedroom or shower so it requires a little extra planning and work to set Robert up downstairs). Anyway, my husband and daughter have been very understanding of my time spent with & for Robert. Hubby tells me when he feels neglected so I try to be considerate and more aware of that. It does feel like I am pulled in a lot of directions and can’t always please everyone (or give everything my all) but I feel lucky that I have such great support.
Debbie said on June 7, 2011
I have a complicated family.
My biological parents died in 1985, so I was adopted with my sister in 1988.
My adopted parents where all I have known as parents.
They both are retired now and disabled, living in the mountains in new mexico in a cabin.
I have four sisters, one is full blooded and then, i have three half sisters, two of which are twins.
I am the youngest of them all.
I am married, with three kids.
My husband i have to care for, and my kids too of course.
My full blooded sister, Liz, is married, but they have no kids. They live across town from me, and they have good paying jobs and own the house we grew up in, they bought it from our parents.
Two of my half sisters live in the same city as well, the oldest is married with three children, my three nieces, they are 21, 18, and almost 14.
She is a nurse, so is busy with work and having Girls in High School or going off and in College already.
The other half sister who lives local, one of the twins, she deals with a lot of issues. She is single with no kids.
Her twin lives in California and has her own Modeling and Personal Training Profession, also is a cyclist and Runner, she is also single, with no kids.
My sisters don’t understand what it is like to live my life, so a lot of the time it is like I don’t hear from them.
My full blooded sister and her husband are the only active “aunt and uncle” in my kids lives, they love them dearly and try to help with small presents for bdays and Christmas, ect.
They babysit once in a blue moon, but we live about an hour across town from all of them.
My biological fathers brother and his wife, don’t bother to interact with me or my sister, but respond if there is a funeral, wedding, or graduation. His kids, so my cousins and there spouses and kids, do the same, but there is one cousin my sister and i are close to.
My parents can only be there to listen or to call and ask how I am doing.
My husbands Family, I am like the daughter they never had, for his parents.
His Paternal Grandparents live on the same farm/land as his parents, so we see them for holidays and other events.
His Maternal Grandparents live in Alamogordo, New Mexico, so we see them every couple years if they come to Texas for Summer or Christmas.
My husbands Aunt (fathers sister) and her husband live in the same town as his parents and paternal grandparents, so a lot of his family is all together.
His Aunt is a DA and his Paternal Grandfather is Retired Texas Ranger, so they are big wigs up near Dallas.
It’s always fun visiting them, but My mother in law calls her son all the time, but not me, it is like her son is the middle man when she wants questions answered.
My in laws are great, but they don’t have a clue what their daughter in law (me) deals with, concerning their son and his health. They know of his brain issues and other things, but he is a private person, he doesn’t share problems, and I am not one to talk to his Mom because she knows he wont listen to her, just as he wont listen to me, as far as doing this or telling the doctor that.
He is their oldest, so his sister and brother are 5/6 yrs apart in age from him, so my sister in law is only a year older then me, and my brother in law is only 6 months younger than me.
My SIL lives in Missouri with her husband who is a medically retired disabled marine, and with their three kids, my nephew and two nieces, our three kids are all close in age.
My BIL and his wife live about 3 hrs away from us in Texas, and they have two girls, my other two nieces. I am close to my BIL’s wife, cause we married brothers and we know how they both act, lol.
While I do have my two sister in laws to talk to, from the marriage side of the family, there is only so much I say becuase I am talking to my husbands sister and then to his brothers wife, ya know?
I feel ignored sometimes and then others it is nice to have them as family, but I have to act as if all is ok, so it all feels very alone.
Debbie said on June 7, 2011
My Four Sisters and half brother are from my biological father, he was married three times before his passing.
So he had Three Marriage/6 kids
1. Oldest Half Sister
then
2. Two Twin Half Sisters
Half Brother (died at age 24, in 1994)
then
3. My full blooded sister
Me
Kim said on September 5, 2011
What family? I have an older brother 56 that lives an hour away, but works within minutes of the home my husband and I share with my 76 year old mother. My brother is an alcoholic that says he is in recovery and going to AA regularly, however he still behaves badly. All of the responsibility for my mother on a day to day basis has been on me for the past twenty years or so. Mother has a “falling” problem. Her first fall was when she was 45. She fell on the job and broke her ankle. She was still young and recovered quickly. The next fall came when she was 55. This time she broke a hip. I lived downstairs from her in an apartment complex she was managing at the time and assumed the role as her primary caretaker along with my grandmother who my mother was caring for at the time of her fall. I lost my full time job as a result of needing more time to care for them. She eventually fully recovered from breaking her hip and was able to become very active again.There have been a few falls in-between that fortunately didn’t cause any major damage. Then at the age of seventy she fell again re-broke her hip as well as breaking her femur bone, patella and elbow. I was her primary care taker again. I lost another job caring for her that I had for nearly five years. Now at 76, my new husband and I share a home with her. I agreed to move into the mother/daughter home with her because she has fallen so many times before and I feared that she will fall again at some point and need my assistance again. As mother ages, she is still very active and often does things she should not like shovel snow, walk on the ice, garden in the intense sun and heat without any fluids and forgets to or feels she does not need to wear her life alert when doing so. She has become increasingly resentful of my and my husbands presence. She doesn’t listen to our requests for her to leave the shoveling and landscaping to us and she goes into the basement when there is a foot of water from flooding. She is angry, unappreciative and verbally abusive to us. We realize now that our help is unwanted. The other day I asked her if she had a “Advanced Directive” and she became infuriated with me when I had to explain the difference between that and a living will which is what she has. My brother has dumped all of the responsibility of my mom’s needs and care throughout the years on me. He calls her on the phone from time to time and occasionally shows up to go out to dinner with her. My mother is nice to him, yet he is never there for her when she really needs him. I have cut him out of my life. My mother and I are currently not speaking to one another. Her birthday is tomorrow. I gave her a birthday card with a gift and she returned it to us. The week prior she darned a shirt for my husband and returned it saying “here is Ray’s shirt! My husbands name is Gerald. When I pointed out to her that my husbands name was not Ray and asked her what his name was she still couldn’t remember it. When I told her his name she said, Oh yeah that’s what I meant to say. I was just watching everybody loves Raymond on TV. She has called my husband the name “Ray” before. I told her That I thought she should go for a check up and evaluation. She became infuriated with me again saying, there is nothing wrong with me”, everyone forgets a name now and then. She accused my husband and I of taking away her liberties because I asked her not to drive at night anymore without one of us being in the car with her. She went out the other night at 9:30 to the store. When she returned I found her examining the car. Turns out a large truck hit her side mirror as it passed her, so she tells us. She has had several mirrors on several different cars replaced previously because her judgment is impaired and she drives too close to parked cars. She will repair her car but drive off and leave the car she hit without a note or anything. My mother has turned into a stubborn, unappreciative tyrant. My husband and I will be moving out of the house as soon as we are able which will be another year or two from now. I still fear for her well being…but long for a life of my own away from her. That’s most of my story…sorry its so long winded friends.
Brenda said on September 20, 2011
I have been caring for my husband with cancer for almost 2 years. It is amazing how some family members think they have an “honorary doctor of oncology degree” and want to give all kinds of medical advice. I try to hold my tongue, but at times I must speak up (in a kind manner) to make them aware of what is going on and the latest tests results and doctors’ info. NOT ONE of them is walking in my husband or my shoes” day by day!