Not Liking, And Maybe A Little Scared Of, Caregiving Today
Jul 26 2011 in Bette's Blog by Bette
My mother has been confused since Thursday of last week. I’ve continued to think that “tomorrow” will be better, but the confusion is here to stay…for a while anyway.
I’m very confused about vascular dementia. I had one doctor tell me that unless she has another stroke, and that if her blood pressure is maintained, the dementia will not progress. I had another doctor tell me that he is hoping she will remain as she is for at least another year. My guess is that she is experiencing some mini-strokes and it may be them causing the changes.
This afternoon she continued hollering for me. She was accusing me (over and over) of lying to her. She was very strong in her opinion and convinced that I was not telling her the truth: That she did not have her hair done today by the lady that normally does it. I finally called the salon and sure enough, the same lady was there, and had done her hair—she has done her hair every week for nearly three years. I continued to try and change the subject. She is eating now – and seems to be more calm.
I’m tired. I’m concerned. I’m worried for her and for me as this disease progresses and wonder if there will be a time where she becomes so adament with other caregivers that I won’t be able to go, to leave her.
My son, Rees, was wonderful today. He was kind and sat with me this afternoon (when he noticed I was crying). Initially I tried to hide the emotions from him, but decided it was okay.
We had a good conversation. He wonders if it is time for Nah-nah to live somewhere else. Sometimes I wonder that, too. Not now though. We can continue to work together as a family to provide the care and coverage here that is needed.
So, I don’t have many solutions today, but just needed to write. Just tired of the confusion, the explaining, the slowness…the caregiving.
Related Articles
- Dementia and Respite (caregiving.com)
- More Turns (caregiving.com)
Kathy said on July 26, 2011
Bette,
{{{BIG TIGHT HUG}}}
I know how distressful the accusations are and that there is nothing you can do to change their idea, even with proof.
I also know you are tired. Emotional tired is the worse tired.
What a blessing Reese is to sit with you. It’s obvious your family unit is strong and supportive.
I liked the fact that he was taking care of his mother by offering what he felt like was a less stressful and emotional option for her (you). He’s a good “man”.
I hope that tomorrow will be better for you all.
Holding you up in Prayer Bette.
Denise said on July 26, 2011
Hi Bette–I’m so sorry for such an awful day! I hope it felt better to write it out.
It’s my understanding that dementia (regardless of its cause or diagnosis) always progresses. You can read more about vascular dementia here: http://www.helpguide.org/elder/vascular_dementia.htm
Do you remember in the webinar, Breaking the Daily Grind, we talked about dancing away from the drama of a disease process? I think that’s the true challenge in caring for someone with dementia–to not get caught up in Dementia’s drama. It sounds like the drama won today.
You’ll never be able to convince your mom that you’re not lying. In other words, you can’t reason or win an argument with Dementia. So, instead, work to calm your mom. These articles offer tips and suggestions:
1. Validation Therapy and redirection: http://www.caring.com/articles/validation-therapy-and-redirection-for-dementia
2. FCA’s Guide to Understanding Dementia’s Behaviors: http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/content_node.jsp?nodeid=391
When you become upset because of dementia, dementia becomes more upset. If you can stay out of the circle of drama, keep calm and try redirecting your mom, then the day may be easier for you.
When days like this seem to be getting the best of you, you also can take a break and call the Alzheimer’s Association hotline. The staff can help you with suggestions, assure you that you’re okay and help you feel better about continuing in the day.
Hope this helps!
Karen said on July 26, 2011
Bette,
Emotional tired is indeed the worst. So glad Rees was there to comfort you.
I think you are probably right about the mini-strokes. I was told that many mini-strokes are very likely to occur after–or before and after–a major stroke. These can occur even during sleep.
The confusion and accusations are so emotionally draining. Sure wish there were an easy solution.
Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.
Jane said on July 26, 2011
Hi Bette:
I’m so sorry that you had such a difficult day. I can’t imagine having to go through that pain.
You are an amazing person and a loving daughter.
I hope that tomorrow’s better and you will be able to find the information you need to help you with your journey with your mom.
Hugs:o)
Jane
Trish said on July 26, 2011
Bette, I’m so sorry today was so difficult. You are such a devoted and loving daughter which breaks my heart even more for you since your mom knew that too. Right now, your Mom is Ms. D (for Dementia) just as Kathy’s hubby is Lewy somtimes. Your mom loves you; Ms. D was cranky and accusatory today (and wasn’t happy with her hair). I don’t know if this feigned detachment helps but that’s what I’m trying to do here in case you didn’t get it.
I hope tomorrow is better, Bette.
Sharon said on July 27, 2011
Bette, I am so sorry for the difficult days you are having with your Mom. The emotional pain of seeing one’s loved one decline is indeed one of the most difficult pains to endure. Trust that you will be given strength and wisdom for each new day.
Bette said on July 27, 2011
Thank you for your kind and reassuring words.
Denise, thank you for the links -I’ve begun reading and I know I will read over and over. The new needs in communication are still a bit new for me. I’m hoping soon the responses will come easy – tired or not. And, Trish, thank you for reminding me about detachment. You are right and it does help.
My mother is still confused today although had company this morning – a lady that sits with her on occasion. She brightened up for her. I think our new confusion is here for a while. I wish somehow there was a slow introduction to it – but I’ve been introduced now and I need to adjust.
Kathy, thank you for the tight hug, and you are right, Rees is “a good man”. He has a really kind heart.
Karen, Jane, and Sharon: thank you each so much for your encouragement and kind words. I’m so grateful for the support I receive here and always always feel better because of it.
Hope each of you are doing well today.
The Unit Known as Shandi said on July 27, 2011
Thinking of you today, and hoping for a better day. I know exactly how you feel, I’ve been there with Mom. Just when you start to adjust, everything changes. Dementia doesn’t allow for routine, or a sense of normalcy. I never mastered the detachment. I did learn to go along with things. We spent four days this past month carrying around my brother, who was (in Mom’s mind) a new born. My husband got in trouble for sitting on the baby! There were times this past year that Mom was convinced we had changed the times on the clocks, and that we were lying to her about it. That was tough.
Chet Bailey said on July 27, 2011
Hi Bette, I am so sorry for all the difficulty you and your mother are having. I personally find dealing with the unexpected downturns to be one of the hardest parts of caregiving.
I am glad you were able to open up and that your son was able to help take some of the emotional burden.
You are in my prayers. I hope you are having a better day today.
Meryl said on July 27, 2011
Bette, I am glad you were able to blog about this and I am sorry you are going through a difficult time right now. Your support from Rees must be very comforting at a time like this and glad he is there with you.
Dementia is very difficult to understand. My mom calls and tells me she is at places that she isn’t and like your mom, she gets frustrated when you correct her. I also need to look at Denise’s links that she posted on dementia and how to handle it better.
I guess we all learn from each other here about situations we are either going to go through or have been through.
I hope both you and your mom have a better day tomorrow ((hugs))
Bette said on July 27, 2011
Thank you Shandi, Chet and Meryl. I so appreciate your encouraging words.
As I was leaving my mother’s room tonight, after putting her to bed, she said, “I love you”.
I’ll sleep better tonight.