Warning! I’m venting in this blog!

I am a wife and mother and as such, I am part of the world’s parenting and family group. In this group I am involved in our son’s activities. We watch as his band performs half-time shows, competes in field tournaments and band reviews, we attend his cross country and track meets, and we participate with him in Boy Scout activities. My volunteer activities are with other parents with children with similar interests since I volunteer for band, Boy Scouts, and PTSA.

I am a family caregiver and as such, I am part of smaller group of people who are caregivers for family members with a memory impairment. As part of this group, we attend support group meetings with other couples.  We have participated on a panel discussion with other couples. We’ve attended dinners with other couples.

Let me tell you, these two groups don’t mesh! We are the only people with a minor child in our caregiving situation. The other three couples with which we get together either have no children, have children in college, or have grandchildren. Last year when we were getting together with them to prepare for the panel discussion, everything had to be on the weekend or evenings to accommodate one woman’s work schedule. I was really frustrated.

After the panel discussion ended, the other couples wanted to continue to get together. We’ve said we wouldn’t go unless our son could come with us. I know I’m his mother, but this isn’t a bratty kid. This is a young man who can engage in conversation, politely sits at the table through conversations that bore me, and takes a book or his iPad to use after I’ve excused him from the table. He doesn’t take his phone, and he answers questions just as politely the fifth time he’s asked in an evening as he did the first time. (Remember, one person in each couple has a memory impairment.) Before one of the dinners, the hostess complained about having to add a ninth chair to the table.

There have now been six dinners and our son has attended each one. Two have been at our house. After the last dinner our son said he’d rather not have to go again. You’re right, he could stay home. However, that’s not the way Steve and I operate. Our son will be on his own soon enough and we feel that it’s better for us to spend the time together as a family than with three other couples. I told the next hostess that we really aren’t available until mid-November due to our son’s schedule. Almost every weekend has an event for band, cross country, or both. On those weekends that don’t, I feel it’s important to stay home and reconnect. Yeah, she didn’t get it. She offered to have the dinner on Friday night instead. At that point I politely explained that it just wasn’t feasible at this point for us to come.  She has never had children and really doesn’t get it.

The parenting group is no better. When I say I can’t attend something or have to get home because I need to make sure Steve is prepared before he heads out to something, for example, they don’t get it. They don’t see why I can’t go do this fun thing or that evening outing. Well, I just can’t or, more honestly, choose not to participate.

I know I could get together with others, parenting or caregiving, and that Steve would be fine and our son would be fine. I feel, though, like each one is already short changed. Steve doesn’t have the energy to do what he used to do so an outing to someplace crowded like Disneyland isn’t what it was in the past. Steve’s struggling to get through it and hating that he can’t manage it. Our son is fine with whatever we do there because we’re fortunate that passes came with Steve’s retirement, but what we did was walk around, have lunch, and ride the riverboat. I feel guilty about going out someplace fun with Robert and leaving Steve at home.

I can’t change that our lives are now different.  I can’t fix that things have had to change because Steve needs more of my time, attention, and consideration when we’re planning anything. I can’t change that a teenaged son needs supervision and time with his family. All I can do is manage the challenges that being in two worlds presents and make the best of all of it.

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