I have been thinking today about my purpose and calling in life. I have always struggled with knowing what my purpose was. I don’t have any real talents nor am I exceptionally good at anything. I thought when Nicole was diagnosed that I had found my person by being a voice for her, for other patients and caregivers. I believed that I would be involved in the PH community, CHD community and even the caregiver community. I believed that this was my calling and my purpose.
Lately, I’m not sure if this is true. I have tried to get more involved in these areas and just don’t feel like I am getting anywhere. I sent an email/facebook message to the president of the board of the local homeschool that I belong to and never received a response. I don’t want to beg or hound people to let me speak or be a voice.
I have been very involved for the last four years in the local homeschool group and was on the board of directors for that entire time as well as be involved in many of the activities and functions. I have been co-teaching a cooking class at the weekly co-op for the next nine weeks and what I really like to do is be the one to plan what we are making, get the supplies etc. and I just don’t have the time and so I will be teaching the class which I really don’t like doing but it really doesn’t require any prep work except for when I am at co-op. Mandy and I have been doing this class in the spring and fall for I believe the last two years at least if not three. I feel like I am letting her down because I just don’t have the time to do more. In the spring I did do all the planning and while I struggled then it wasn’t like it is now.
I feel like I work so hard to make sure that Nicole has a good life, that she has good medical care and that the doctor’s are held accountable. I just haven’t seen where it is working for me. I keep thinking about Joyce Meyer. I see a lot of myself in her and when she was first called to be a “Bible teacher” she felt like she wasn’t getting anywhere and didn’t understand why. I think that I feel the same way. I don’t want to be famous really like Joyce Meyer I just want to fulfill what I believe is my purpose.
I wish that I had a feeling of peace in my own skin. I do feel that this is my purpose but I just don’t feel like I am making any difference. I don’t feel that Nicole or Rick appreciates it. I feel like I’m so overwhelmed all the time with all the clutter (brain, body, spirit, soul, house, etc.) and I can’t get peace. I’m not even sure that this is what I mean or want to convey as my thoughts are so jumbled.
You are a disruptor. The delivery of health care starts with you, continues because of you, and ends with you. Let's disrupt together to make the world better for family caregivers. 
Sharon
Jane,taking care of Nicole in the best way you know how IS your purpose and calling right now. It is a noble calling and purpose.
Caregiving can be very discouraging, so it may FEEl like you are not making a difference, but you are, Jane.
This was not what you envisioned for your life and Nicole’s, I’m sure. It is the calling and purpose you have been given, however. It is an important calling and purpose even though it is often a discouraging one.
Don’t trust your feelings. They are unreliable Trust the truth. You are doing an important job even when no one else recognizes it.
primarycaregiver
Hi Jane, I agree with Sharon. And I can totally relate to all the clutter, lack of peace that it seems to cause/ magnify. Very frustrating! Asking God why He allowed me to end up here, what am I supposed to be learning from this ?! I do know I need to trust Him to get through all of this- sometimes moment by moment. Seems like I find a foothold and a new wave comes roaring by. Glad I found this website so I can at least take comfort in knowing there are others in the water!
Bette
Hi Jane,
I understand the thoughts you are having – it makes sense that as caregivers our own wants get moved (gently) to the side at times.
It sounds like you enjoy planning – as in the cooking class. I wonder if it would be possible to find some other things (or even one thing) that you enjoy planning and doing because of who YOU are.
The “clutter” can make things seem so foggy at times. When that feeling comes for me, I have to make a list of where the fogginess is coming from. Then, I try and tackle each “fog”, one at a time. Maybe it’s my thoughts, or house repairs, or cleaning, or meds I need to talk to the doctor about, or even someone I owe a return call to. Whatever they are, to write them each down and plan how you begin sorting may be a big help to you.
I wanted to share a couple of quotes from Rick Warren with you:
“If you have felt hopeless, hold on! Wonderful changes are going to happen in your life as you begin to live it on purpose.” and “God intentionally allows you to go through painful experiences to equip you for ministry to others.”
Searching for our purpose, Jane, is a good thing. I think it keeps us fresh and gives us a willing spirit. Just don’t get discouraged as you search. You have clear purpose as you continue to care and speak for Nicole. It’s okay to have another purpose, and maybe that’s what your contemplating now.
Please keep us posted with your thoughts as you search. Searching is good, we just have to be patient with ourselves as we look (:
Trish
Jane, Bette is right – we have to be patient with ourselves as we look for our purpose. Sometimes it gets discouraging as we go along the road toward our purpose because we don’t see where we end up or what difference we make along the way. Have faith that you are making a difference in people’s lives whether you get recognized for it or not. The small steps you take today may lead you to the big “aha” moment where you realize your purpose. It may be to make a difference in Nicole’s life by being her voice or it may be making a difference in thousands of people’s lives — or something in between. Have faith and patience and be open to all kinds of definition of purpose. You are doing great things, Jane (and those might be your purpose right now — it can change over time). Take care.
Denise
Hi Jane–I’ve been thinking about your post since yesterday.
When I had my really difficult days, I often felt like I was floating on a raft in the middle of a storm in the middle of the ocean. It just felt awful. And, I, too wondered: This would feel better if I felt there was some kind of purpose.
As I struggled to put my life back on track, I met with a priest who had a room he rented out to those in need. I was in need.
During our meeting to see if we could co-exist as landlord and tenant, I told him about my work. He said something nice about how I help family caregivers. And, then he said, “God wants you to be happy.”
I often remember that because I believe we overlook this very important purpose: To settle into knowing happiness, no matter where we are, what we face, where we end up.
Be happy, Jane. Whenever and wherever moments of happiness come, take them. When you take them, you can share them. What greater purpose could there be?
P.S. I didn’t move in with the priest, but with my mom and dad. They were happy. It took me a little longer to get there, but I found happiness living with my parents as a “young” woman in my 40s.