After my mother’s stroke in 2002, she faced challenges that we worked together to resolve to help her be stronger.
Physical therapy helped her to adjust to using her left arm and leg. She endured a hip and a knee replacement surgery to insert a stent into a renal artery in hopes to help control her blood pressure, as well as double cataract surgery, colitis and diverticulitis diagnosis, C-Dif, pancreatitis, and adjustments to blood pressure medications. Each of these needs brought with it resolution. Putting a plan in action to create an outcome that enabled us to move forward, stronger, better.
Now, vascular dementia.
My mother has had a very difficult day today. Thank you for letting me ramble a bit to talk this through. Dementia has brought with it confusion that scares my mother. She was looking for my dad tonight and looking for our old neighbors then realized neither was here.
Tonight she was crying, wanting to die. “Why is this happening to me?” she asked. She was scared and my talking and reassuring didn’t seem to help. I gave her a dose of Haldol as instructed. The doctor thought there might be an adjustment time. Tonight was the first time (out of the three times we’ve had to use this medication) that the Haldol worked. She settled down and would listen to my words. She was ready to rest.
As I was getting her ready for bed, I couldn’t help but think about the times when we moved forward together, encouraged by the new way that had been offered to us with surgery, therapy or medications.
So now we move forward, but in a different way. We manage the effects of this awful disease together when we can and apart as needed.
Caregiving isn’t always about resolving is it? Sometimes it’s managing, but because of our managing, our caree (along with us) can move forward.
You are a disruptor. The delivery of health care starts with you, continues because of you, and ends with you. Let's disrupt together to make the world better for family caregivers. 
Jane
Hi Bette:
I’m sorry that your mom was so confused and scared. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her or you to go through this. The title of your blog really hits a cord with me because I feel this way with Nicole. We just need to manage her illness because we can’t resolve it while we may resolve some aspects of it like the amount of side effects based on when the medication is given.
Once again, you are such an influence just reading your words. I hope that someday I will be able to deal with all the issues like you do.
Hugs:o)
Jane~mom to Nicole, 17 yo, VSD, PAH, Eisenmengers, BHJS
“If you don’t like something change it, if you can’t change it, change the way you feel about it. “
kristin
Bette, I cannot imagine what you feel when you hear your mother talk about her condition with understanding of its ramifications. Or I guess I can a little, or my heart wouldn’t ache so for you. Mary is so lucky in her cluelessness. I pray for you and your mother.
Hugs,
Kristin
Karen
Bette,
I went through much the same thing with my brother. It was so heartbreaking to me to witness his confusion, his fear and, so often his crying and expressing a wish to die. It still brings me to tears. All we can do is the best we can do to reassure them that they are still love and safe. And I know that isn’t always enough. Please know that you are in my prayers.
Kaye Swain
What a difficult year you’ve had! My senior mom has had much of the same physical things – the hip surgery, the cataracts, and a hernia surgery – but over a 4 year period. This must have been so much harder for both of you. And now a new and even more intense trial! What a blessing you are to your senior mom, as I can tell she’s been to you over the years.
One suggestion on the haldol, since you said it had only worked 1 out of 3 times – I believe that was what my senior dad was prescribed during a difficult time when he was in the end stage of Parkinsons Disease. It actually seemed to make him worse and we had a couple of very difficult weeks when he was suffering from full dementia. But our hospice team kept helping us and working through it, and eventually switched him to Risperdol, which worked better with his particular Parkinsons Disease medications – it was like night and day once he switched over. This is not to say you should do that, of course.
Just that I learned then that different medications can have vastly different impacts in each person, especially when combined with other medications – so it is definitely worthwhile to keep talking to your doctors if something doesn’t work.
Thanks again for the wise words you’ve learned from all this. Praying for you and your mom.
Denise
Hi Bette–Such a great insight! How do you resolve a disease like dementia? You’re right–you manage it the best you can so both you and your mom have the comfort, rest and support you need. I hope today will be better for you…
Kathy
Thank you Bette,
I needed to read this at just this time.
I appreciate your calm insight.
Jenny W
I’m so sorry, Bette. Dementia is so difficult and each day is so different from the last. I hope you continue to have such great insights to share with us when we need the reminder to simply take comfort where we can and move forward. After all, we apparently cannot solve everything. Ugh! That’s my set back – I try to always be such a fixer.