There is a place in dementia that’s very unsettling.
You want someone to come back, but they just keep walking.
It’s like a bridge. This bridge seems not to cross a slope, but to be placed on it. Before, when we traveled down the bridge a bit together, we’ve had times of rally, times of climbing back up a bit.
You don’t want to be on the bridge, but you love the person who is, so you continue to follow.
The bridge is rickety and takes so much time to walk on; it shakes and often makes startling noises.
There are weak spots and strong spots. Happy days and sad. Your emotions follow the struggles.
There are days when you feel you can’t take one more step. It’s too much. They keep walking, though, so you follow. You wish you could repair the bridge.
There are days that, as you start to walk, they turn back a bit. You gratefully do, too.
The bridge isn’t pretty or quaint. The scenery isn’t always what you want to see, but somehow in the confusion you see the need to search for what is.
Although there are times when you feel as though you are going to fall off, you don’t. You keep going.
Eventually it seems we’re on the bridge together but alone. They’re not sure where they are. We know though and we keep walking, guiding, strong together. How we walk the bridge is different every day, but it’s the same bridge.
I feel as though I need to visualize what is happening here. We continue to move forward, but with little connection. I wish my mother understood what my days were about, the non-caregiving parts of my day. She would be so involved, with her words and her eyes.
We’ve had a very challenging morning. My mother’s behavior is so frustrating, yet very sad. I found that a costly solution only works sometimes. Very discouraging.
I have an aide here this morning. Marah is home sick. I’m so very grateful to have the help that I need.
When an aide comes, even if I’m here, it’s important to let go of any challenges my mother is facing and let the challenges be with someone else.
Oh, Bette, I’m so sorry! It sounds like there was a storm this morning on the dementia bridge.
Can you tell us about the costly solution that doesn’t always work? Maybe we can brainstorm another solution for you.
Hang on–we’re coming to the bridge to get you.
Hi Denise,
I wish you all could meet me at the bridge (:
The ‘solution’ was with night-time clothing. The clothing I chose from Buck and Buck, zippers up the back – however my mother was able to access her depends up the leg ): I can still use this clothing for her during the day when she is sitting up.
I just came from Buck and Buck online – thank you for the prodding to search for another solution – that in itself gets very tiring.
Buck and Buck has another type of night-time clothing that is more like knickers and tighter on the leg (still zippers up the back). We will order one to try and hopefully this will work better for us at night.
Thank you for your comment and your strength to solve and keep going.
Hi Bette-You just never know, did you? You found what seemed to be the right solution but that dementia! So sneaky. I’m hoping the new solution will work. I know it’s tiring to look for solutions, to modify them, to change them. I’m glad you continue to do this. When you do, you give yourself a chance for a better tomorrow.
Hi Denise,
It’s interesting to me how recently “choices” and “chances” are becoming such powerful words. They are – thank you.
Oh, Bette, this sounds like it’s been quite a challenging morning! I think nothing prepares you for the bridge. I love your use of the visualization to help us understand what is going on for you right now. Please know that although I am not with you on the bridge. I am with you in spirit. If you reach out your hand, I will hold it.
I hope Marah feels better soon.
Thank you G-J – I’m grateful for the hand (:
I wonder…Greg just called suggesting maybe we add velcro or buttons to the bottoms…I’m struggling with placeing another order so soon.
Any seamstress-advice would be so appreciated.
Hi–I actually was wondering if you couldn’t just modify the pant legs somehow. Velcro could work. Or, another layer, like Kathy suggests below, may help. I wondered about long underwear or something similar that would provide a protective barrier between the hand and the Depends.
Greg has a good idea. Buttons might be harder for your mother to undo than velcro, but velcro would be quicker and easier to try. I’d try velcro first.
Wow Bette,
What a great visual.
I always think of the picture of the Guardian Angel when I think of bridges.
I don’t know if I ever mentioned this but my HUGE dream is to one day build, own and operate a family setting Hospice House and I was going to call it Bridges
Bridges because we help with the journey between this life and the next.
Hey if you’re going to dream, dream BIG!
The bridge of dementia is an especially difficult one to travel.
We try so hard to walk beside but in reality, the changes that come with it have us finding ourselves walking a step or so behind. Our caree most times oblivious to the loose boards yet we see them as they break away behind them and in front of us. Sometimes we catch up by jumping or walking along the side of the bridge on the frame. Never losing focus of our loved one, alerting when we can and at times taking the time to enjoy the view from the bridge of the vast wonders God has put into place.
Bette, your an excellent bridge walker!
Try to remember that the bridge, though it appears in shambles in places and scary to cross will one day be strong and sturdy for your return trip home.
I wish there were easier answers to your struggles. And we too have been down the expensive non working solutions road. Trial and error can sure be hard on the pocketbook at times!
I don’t know if this is helpful to you but when we cared for Hubby’s mother she had a terrible habit of clawing her legs. We eventually found stirrup pants for her to wear that prevented her from reaching up into her pant legs. I’m not sure if this would be an option for you or if they even make stirrup pants anymore, hmm?
I did like the suggestion Greg had about the velcro. that would be an easy fix and could possibly be done with no sewing.
Oh my I think I may REALLY date myself but even the lock type diaper pins. Do they make THOSE anymore?
I better stop before I embarrass myself further!
{{{hugs and prayers Bette}}}
I sure hope Marah is feeling better soon
Hi Kathy,
I told the kids this afternoon (thinking about Jo’s most recent post: I’d like to be specific with them) – if I ever need Hospice – send me to ‘The Bridge’…I love your dream, that you have it and that you think about it. ‘The Bridge’ will be a very special place.
Kathy, thank you for these words: “Try to remember that the bridge, though it appears in shambles in places and scary to cross will one day be strong and sturdy for your trip home.” Can’t read that Kathy without being a bit choked up – so meaningful – thank you.
Kathy,
Sorry – just corrected myself to the kids: ‘Bridges’ will be a very special place (:
Kathy, I LOVE your dream. Dream big, girl! I know you can do it.
Bette, Your writing about the bridge was beautiful. I could picture the bridge clearly and could feel you brighten during the times of “rally.” I’m sorry for your rough morning and am sorry Marah is ill. We’re on the bridge with you — some of us holding your hand, some of us repairing the bridge for you, some of us walking along with you and our own loved one and some of us securing you with ropes so you don’t fall. We won’t let you fall, Bette.
I like the idea of the thermal pants under the jumpsuit. They’re tighter and she won’t be able to get to the brief. It would make it more difficult for changing purposes but I wonder if they still have those thermal pants with the flap in the front (or am I just thinking of old cowboy movies?).
Greg’s idea is worth trying. What’s even more awesome is that he’s your partner in trying to solve this problem. I like that.
Funny you mentioned Buck & Buck. My order of Robert’s shirts came in today and I’m very excited to have him try the “button” up shirt with velcro. Richard (hubby) thinks the velcro is kind of flimsily put on the shirt so we’ll see how long it lasts for Robert.
Let us know what you come up with and remember we’re here for you on the bridge!