Awhile ago, I decided that I was mad (at my dad) and I am perfectly okay with that.
I am mad at my dad for ditching my mother.
I am mad at my dad for leaving, Period. But mainly, leaving everything up to me.
My parents meet a long time ago, almost 30 years ago, I think.
They have been off and on for a long time throughout my childhood. I don’t remember much from my childhood but based on stories from family friends, paper work I have found, and what my mom has told me, I know they didn’t have a great relationship (i.e., child support orders). They didn’t get married till after she was disabled. He knew that she would never work again. He knew that her pain would stop her from doing lots of normal things. He knew that it would get worse over time. He knew it affected more then just mobility. Yet, they got married in 2001, with the promise of together through thick and thin, through sickness and health (or in this case through bad days and the “good” ones).
Yet, in 2010 He left. He said he was “tired” of her disability. He was done with it. He left with the promise to me that I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. That meant financials: he woulds still pay the mortgage, that bills would be covered, and that mother would be taken care of.
Shortly after he left, one month later, Mother went into the hospital. The doctors didn’t know what was going on. They didn’t know anything about her disabilities or what was up now. During her stay at the hospital, my dad barely came to visit. It was right before Valentine’s day and he said he couldn’t come visit because it would give the wrong idea to my mom with it being so close to the “love” holiday. She didn’t even know what day or week it was. She wanted him to be there because they had been together for 25 or so years. She got discharged with an “undiagnosed stroke,” with speech and swallow issues, with reading and writing issues, with less mobility and strength then before.
After this, it was up to me to get her to the 4x a week appointments. Not one ounce of help from my dad. No giving her rides to where she needed to be. No money to help out and pay the medical bills. Nothing. We barely heard from him beside the random, Oh I got this in the mail for you. He wasn’t good at paying the bills monthly, so I had to log on and make sure they were paid every month. He was paying the bills with my mom’s money, not his like he said. He would let us know when our account got low but he wouldn’t deposit a dime in there. With my mother not working and me going to school, it was off of her settlement money she got because she was still fighting social security.
Things settled down and appointments slowed. Me and my husband took care of my mom, barely scrapping by. On November 25, 2011, she had another stroke, a big one this time. She has lost the ability to walk, her speech is okay but her thinking isn’t. She is extremely impulsive, among other things. She is going to need 24/7 care, including butt wiping and blenderized food.
He would call her in the hospital and tell her he is going to come visit her next weekend, which stresses my mom out. Then he doesn’t follow through, so it makes my mom mad. He talks to me, telling me he wants to be involved and I need to keep him informed of everything going on and not to worry because he is here to help. But has he visited her once? NOPE!
I tell him we need to build a ramp and extend door ways. That we need to prepare for my mom coming home. I get back “Oh, I have been preparing. Don’t we have more time?” No, No we don’t. He is a maintenance man for a local motel, he can build and fix just about everything. Has he come over and even seen what needs to be done. No. Has he came over and built a ramp. Nope.
Do I expect him to? No, not really at this point. But he keeps telling me, he will come over and see what needs to be done. He will come over and help. He tells me to hold off and wait, because he can do most of the work. He has the tools to do it. But guess what, time is running out. She is going to be home. I can build the ramp myself but Oh no. He doesn’t want me to do that.
Technically his parents own our house, but we basically rent to own it, so I need to go through him, if we do any changes to the house. He is on my mother’s settlement money account, not me. So if we need to do anything, I need to go through him to get money. I have to go though him to do anything. So I will text him or try to call and it takes two to four days to get back to me with something that doesn’t even answer my question.
Anyways, back to it. I am mad at him for leaving this up to me. I am mad at him that he can’t follow through with almost anything he says. I am mad at him for leaving my mom even though he knew she would get worse. I am mad at my dad for leaving everything up to me but still having the power over me. I am mad at my dad for not helping out and making everything more complicated. I am mad at my dad for saying he will be there but then he is gone. I am mad at my dad for wanting to be in my life but not my mothers, though his choice made my life all about my mom. I am mad at my dad.
And I am okay with it.
I am not mad at my mom. I am not mad at my mom’s disabilities. In a weird way, I am glad I get this experience to love and care for my mom in a special way. I am not mad at my siblings for not stepping up and helping, as I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I am not mad my choices to care for her instead of leaving and forgetting about her, and leaving it up to whoever else steps up. I am not mad at the whole situation in a way but I am mad at my dad for making the situation my problem.
I don’t know if I need to get past this and forgive him, or if I need to cut him out totally or if it in the long run is okay. I don’t know if I am putting too much blame on him or if he deserves it. But as of right now, I think it is fine and I am going to stay mad at my dad.
You are a disruptor. The delivery of health care starts with you, continues because of you, and ends with you. Let's disrupt together to make the world better for family caregivers. 
Tom
Hi Breeanna,
I think you are perfectly correct to be mad at your dad, and even more perfectly correct to not be mad at the things and people that you are not mad at. From my point of view as a male, your dad sounds like a typically conflicted man. He knows what he wants to do, and knows what he expects of the best of himself. But he is afraid of a lot of things, and probably depressed that his fears and his internal conflicts prevent him from meeting his own expectations. Maybe he hides his pain with alchohol, which would totally explain why he is blowing it with showing up, helping out, money, etc. People in that position eventually find themselves very lonely, because all the broken promises end up as broken relationships. So maybe being mad at him is about the most normal, natural, and common reaction that a person could have.
One of the best things I ever read about anger management was this statement to a person feeling anger, “People don’t do what they are supposed to do”. If one can accept that this is a fact, and that we are all guilty of it on one way or another, then it helps one to feel less angry at people who are not doing what they are supposed to do. It’s part of the human condition. Of course, people SHOULD do what they are supposed to do, and that is really what makes us mad. But they don’t. That’s a fact. Accept it,and be less mad. Laugh at it, and think of the things that you are supposed to do, but don’t, from time to time.
Then, pick one item, your top priority. Probably the settlement money, since that makes almost everything else happen. Work on that. Get it flowing into an account that you can use for your mother’s care. Your dad has insecurity, like we all do, and it is driving his behavior, like it can with all of us. He probably won’t admit it, which is how many of us deal with insecurity. That is a huge battle that he is going to have to fight, since he seems to have a bad case of it. He will only win with a lot of support, or he may never win, with all the support in the world. But, if you can get the financials arranged in a sane way, it would remove some of his insecurity, his guilt, his self-doubt, his anxiety, and a bunch of your problems all at the same time. I would advise you to focus on this one item, try to get his agreement that it needs to be fixed, and then his cooperation to fix it. It is posssible that fixing that could lead to better all around behavior. However, if he has a drinking problem, then all bets are off, since any agreements he makes are likely to be immediately forgotten or forsworn. If you can’t get any cooperation, you may want to see if there is a Disability Law Center in your town, and give them a call. They have experience and may have some good advice for the financial stuff.
Good Luck To You !!!
Tom
Jane
Hi Breeanna:
I can totally understand where you are coming from. I have had issues with my own dad when he left my mom and they divorced but my mom wasn’t disabled.
You have every right to be mad. The frustration of him always letting you down must be very hard.
I know at some point you will have to release it and let it go. I think that every one of us caregivers have somebody in our lives that we wish would help more and they do not.
You are doing an excellent job managing your mom’s health. I know I must do this also… but, stop relying on your dad to actually do what he says. You said you can make the ramp … so do it… I go through this same thing with my husband. I have decided that I must do what I can do and not depend on others.
Good luck to you…
Hugs:o)
Jane ~ mom to Nicole, 17 yo, VSD, PAH, Eisenmengers (dx 1/22/10)
BHJS (dx 2/4/11)
“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
Denise
Hi BreeAnna–I’m so glad you blogged about this! Your anger is sooo natural and sooo understood. Talking it out helps to loosen its hold and gives you another perspective (like Tom’s). Caregiving is such a challenge and I think one of the most difficult challenges is the relationships you endure because of caregiving. Others have worked through their anger to find forgiveness in order to keep a relationship as healthy as possible. It’s a process. It takes time. It takes patience. You are on your way. We’re here for you throughout your way.
ejourneys
Hi, BreeAnna — I think your anger is perfectly natural. I’d be surprised if you didn’t have it. I agree with Tom that the more you can get switched over to you, the better.
You say your mom’s thinking isn’t okay. Is she still competent enough to give you power of attorney if you don’t already have it?
Do your father’s parents understand the situation vis a vis the ramp, or would they defer to your father? Or, if you went ahead rather than going through your father, would they understand or would they try to cause trouble? If the latter, could your mom’s medical team provide documentation that gives you legal justification for putting a ramp in?
I am so sorry that these roadblocks are being thrown in your path, with everything that you are already dealing with. I hope there is a way for you to get the legal and financial authority to support what you are doing.