Thank you to those of you who responded to my blog “I’m so upset.” I am going to try and talk this out in my head. After I talked to the first attorney in 2010 or 2011 I decided that I would just let the whole thing go. In Oct. 2010 at Nicole’s last cardiologist appointment the doctor said that it was total malpractice on behalf of the cardiologist who read Nicole’s EKG in 2001. His nurse has said a couple of times on calls since than that I should call this well-known attorney in the area which is what I did the other day.
Heather replied to my blog by saying … “I don’t personally believe that it is easy to teach a doc a lesson through malpractice but the decisions the doc made years ago have changed the shape of your family in powerful ways.” I can see and agree with this. They don’t have to pay the money out of their pocket it doesn’t affect their lifestyle or their family/children and they can give no thought to it and move on. I also believe that if I was meant “to sue” it would’ve happened. As much as this troubles me as I want accountability and justice for Nicole I know that this was/is God’s plan and what the devil meant for evil God will turn into good. At least I keep telling myself this hoping I will believe it eventually.
I keep thinking of something that Denise said after I wrote another blog about this. I apologize that I can’t remember the exact way she put it but what I took from it was that suing would keep me living in the past and I need to be in the present. She also said she thought there were other ways to get justice/accountability for those who made mistakes. I think that this must be true.
This is where I starting thinking out loud… isn’t there a way you can file a complaint with the medical board or something that goes on the record of the doctor? I don’t know if Denise or someone else or myself thought of writing a letter to the doctor’s I thought were responsible. I did write a letter to Nicole’s first pediatrician. I never received a response nor did I expect too what is he going to say? He’s not going to acknowledge guilt. I just hope it made it in front of him and maybe he thinks about it now and again. Wishful thinking probably on my part. I haven’t written letters to the cardiologist nor the gastroenterologist she had in 2001 as most days I don’t feel like I have a chance to breathe. In theory, I would like to think that this is a good idea at least for me but will it really have any impact on the doctors? Maybe, I should be thinking more about the impact on me rather than the doctors.
Another thing that needs to be considered is the fact that Nicole has SSI and if she were to get a settlement she would lose this. She has Medicaid through SSI and her insurance is taken care of. The nurse at Nicole’s cardiologist (we have become friends) said that she could live for a long time if she received a good settlement which may be true until you think of her medical costs. Her medication alone (just for her pulmonary arterial hypertension PAH) is $30,000 a month and this doesn’t include her other meds. She gets an EKG and echo every three months to check her heart and lung function. This doesn’t take into account doctor’s visit and/or any hospital visits, lab work, oxygen supplies etc. How long would a million dollar settlement realistically last? The SSI will be her future as sad as that is because it isn’t enough to live on after you pay all the bills etc. I do know (or believe) if Nicole was to get married she would lose this disability and then her husband would be responsible for her medical care. She knows that she can live with us forever if this is what she needs to do. I would love to be able to add an addition to our house that was like a little apartment or at least a master bedroom/bath for her so she has the illusion of having her own place and being independent but this is a whole separate blog.
I haven’t talked to Nicole about trying to sue but something tells me that she wouldn’t want to go through this. I know the cardiologist means well and like me wants justice/accountability but it is very difficult to re-live Nicole’s life and the mistakes made. I know it is probably best if I just let it go… but will I regret it… I’m not sure… part of me says “yes” and part of me says “no.”
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to think out loud.
Hi Jane–I LOVE thinking out loud.
A few thoughts: I suggested the letter to the doctor merely as a way for you to say, “Hey, Big Dumb Jerk, here’s what happened to us…” It was a way for you to get it out. It wasn’t about how he reacted but about you feeling better by telling him your story. It’s okay you didn’t hear from him because he’s not the point of your letter. You, and your story, and finding a vehicle to tell that story to him was the point.
The decisions, like Should I sue?, become clutter in brain before we know it. We weigh the pros and cons, we dissect, we question, we fret, we worry… These decisions become the focus of our life.
For that reason, I wonder if you could simply say, “I’m going to let this go.” Because it sounds like you worry a final decision could lead to regret, I would say a decision now would be to simply let it go. Unclutter your mind.
In other words, let go and let God. If it’s meant to be, you’ll find yourself with the right lawyer at the right time. If not, you’ll find yourself at home, in peace, with those you love.
So, perhaps you want to contact a few more attorneys or the Bar association. Or, perhaps you could say a simple prayer, “God, I trust you on whether or not suing is a good idea. I’ve done my research. I’ve advocated on behalf of Nicole. I’m still not sure whch decision is the right one. So, I leave it up to you because I trust you completely.”
Then, once you make these contacts or say your prayer, you let it go.
Make the decision to let the decision take care of itself.
Denise:
Thank you so much. I in no way expected any response from any of the doctors. I did it for me and I am so glad that I did and am grateful that you suggested it.
I agree… ever since Monday when I called this attorney my mind has been in a fog. I left my wallet sitting on the desk at rehab and I am sure that I had money in it but it wasn’t there when I picked it up. My own fault I guess.
I really believe you are right. I either have to let it go or pray about it. I thought that I have before but maybe I am mistaken. I will do so again. Laura’s response said she had not regrets about her situation after her husband’s accident. I will start looking at this from this perspective … will I have a regret if I don’t do or do so and so. I don’t think I will have a regret it I let it go. I don’t feel that this is something I must do. I just want some accountability for mistakes made.
I was very upset after the call and I am probably a little depressed about it. I will just give myself some time to think about it more.
Hugs:o)
Jane ~ mom to Nicole, 17 yo, VSD, Eisenmengers, PAH (dx 2/22/10)
BHJS (dx 2/4/11)
“You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.”
Hi Jane–Laura joined me on Table Talk in December; you can listen to her share her story (and how she has the perspective she does) here: http://www.caregiving.com/2011/12/table-talk-meet-laura/
Jane,
Your note brought up a whole load of questions…some related…some not…but here it goes…
1) When my husband had his accident I did hire an attorney right away. I also asked for films to the gate entrance right away. The attorney sat on the case and the HOA stalled giving me the films. In Florida, my husband’s accident was the first hit/run motorcycle accident that I did not hear on the news. This was just about 6 years ago. Only a year ago I learned that there was a victims fund for accidents like my husbands that we had access to…only up until….two years from the date of the accident. I understand your frustration. I had to make a choice continue pursuing or walk away. I chose the latter. I have no regrets. Sometimes we are put on paths we don’t understand. But its what happens next that is most important and is whether we succeed or fail. I chose not to fail. So what happened? A few months later he ..6 months in recovery; I at nine months pregnant were refused shelter from all resources from a hurricane. >>>Never<<>> You have that in you!!! <<< Remember that conference – do a paradigm shift and use your anger, despair, frustration and tears into advocating for your daughter and those like her. There couldn't be a more powerful advocate and that community would at a great loss if you didn't do that.
2) Regarding the second paragraph…how awful for your daughter to not be able to consider marriage due to benefits. May I send only that paragraph to a friend of mine who is working on a project to change that kind of thinking?
3) Oxygen: Did you ever call the fire department and make them aware of NIcole's situation? Sometimes they'll come out to do a "wellness visit" and train on the equipment so if there's ever a problem they'll know what to do. Also did you contact your electric company and ask them to place her on a priority list for power outages? For her it will be easy and it means that if you lost power, she'll be given priority for health reasons. Usually you'll need a doctor's note to supplement.
4) Playing Devil's Advocate…What does the cardiologist see that has him so upset? Yes most doctors won't tell you to do that kind of thing. See if you can get to the "emotion" side of him and find out why NIcole's case is so personal to him. Does he see funds for his attorney friend or is he furious that someone would destroy a young girl's life unnecessarily?
Be patient with your life. We all want answers right away so we can shove that "nagging item" out of the way. But all things happen in their own time. I agree with Denise…step aside and watch for now.
Hugs!
Hi Laura:
Thank you so much for sharing this part of your life. I so strongly feel that my purpose is to be a voice and an advocate for Nicole.
I haven’t contacted the fire department regarding her oxygen. We have signs in the windows and doors “Oxygen in use”. I do have a think with the power company but they said it doesn’t mean we will get any special treatment because of it. My thought is “what’s the point then”.
I think the cardiologist sees an EKG that was read as normal that isn’t normal and that her heart defect/PH could have been found 10 years ago if he had read it right. The attorney isn’t his friend it is just this law firm is very popular in this area and unless you live under a rock you have heard of it before. I also truly believe that he feels stronger that this was malpractice. Nicole’s life has been destroyed and it will never be normal for her. Someway I will have to come to terms with this and accept this.
I agree with Denise also. I tend to get very cranky, have headaches tension etc. when I am too overwhelmed and with other issues this week with her insurance, doctors it makes for a rough week.
Hugs:o)
Jane ~ mom to Nicole, 17 yo, VSD, Eisenmengers, PAH (dx 2/22/10)
BHJS (dx 2/4/11)
“You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.”
Jane, in my experience with clients and a family member who have sued for malpractice, especially a number of years after the incident, it has caused headaches that go far beyond what can be imagined. It is a terribly upsetting experience, takes years, and involves innumerable meetings and requests for this documentation or that. With the difficulties you face now, and the demands made on your time, I think this would not be helpful in your situation.
HOWEVER, you can make a formal complaint to your state’s (FL, right?) medical board, lodging your complaint against this doctor. This eventually shows up in a number of places, especially now on the internet. If I want to find out about a particular doctor, I can check him/her out. There used to be, and may still be, bound volumes in the library that tell a doctor’s negative history.
So you may not be able to get him to admit his liability and atrocious judgment, but you can help others avoid using him and having the same experiences you did.
Hi Kristen:
Thanks so much for your reply. I have thought about these things as well. It will be drawn out as long as possible etc. I feel most days that I don’t have the time to declutter my house etc. let alone put another thing on my plate.
I looked up the doctor’s name as it is on the copy of the EKG and googled it and came up with a page that rates doctor’s and it said malpractice none and sanctions none and I thought why can’t I file a complaint so I googled how to do this and got a formal complaint form. I will be doing this real soon. I am thinking I may do one for the GI doctor who told me the EKG was normal even though on the report of her endoscopy there was a question of something on her EKG as well as the blood work was all out of whack with her being anemic etc. and we weren’t told about any of this.
Yes, I do live in Florida and I will find some way to make sure that these things don’t happen to any other child even if it is campaigning for mandatory pulse oximeter’s readings on all newborns etc.
Hugs:o)
Jane ~ mom to Nicole, 17 yo, VSD, Eisenmengers, PAH (dx 2/22/10)
BHJS (dx 2/4/11)
“You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.”
Jane, just a comment of two about letting go. Only you can figure out if you need to act, or let this issue go. If you decide to let go, however, remember that letting go sometimes is not just a one time step. I believe once a decision has been made to let something go, sometimes one has to keep giving it back to God for awhile whenever it comes up again in the mind. Eventually there will be no desire to take it back.
Having been a caregiver for my husband for four and a half years and since his death in early 2011 I have had to struggle to let go of caregiver guilt and forgiveness issues. In the measure I have let go it has given me peace. Letting go of the “why?” questions and asking the “How” questions has also helped me. How, Lord, can you bring beauty out of the ashes?
http://www.stateofflorida.com/Portal/DesktopDefault.aspx?tabid=115
Try this.
or this….http://www.doh.state.fl.us/mqa/enforcement/enforce_home.html
One piece of advice…make sure that you are protected through these agencies when you file a complaint. Here in Georgia things are a bit screwy.
Good luck!
Jane, you’ve been on my mind. I know you’re really struggling with what to do. This morning there was an article in the paper in column called “The Morning Read”. The idea behind the column was that it was supposed to be uplifting or inspirational. This family has a five-year-old daughter who is severely disabled. From the article it sounds as though the daughter’s health is a result of problems with her birth. The family is suing and according to the article, there is a lawsuit, “winding its way through court”. I thought of you when I read this article. Here is a link to the article.http://www.ocregister.com/articles/tenaya-338447-michelle-family.html