Tell Us: Which Caregiving Reality Won’t Make a Hallmark Card?
Mar 26 2012 in Denise's Blog, Tell Us by Denise
The Hallmark life looks so good, doesn't it? Even during wartime. (FYI: I watch this movie--at least twice--every holiday.) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Over the weekend, Tom posted an update, “Feeling Like a Hypocrite.” He ended his post with this line:
“The love that keeps us together feels like an anchor around my neck today.”
The Unit Known as Shandi, who blogged here about caring for her mom until her mother’s death last July, shared this reply:
That statement may be one of the best descriptions of the reality of caregiving. What a profound statement. It’s so much easier to think of statements like, “The love that keeps us together gives me wings to fly”, or other mushy Hallmark moments. Not that these aren’t true at some point in a love story…they are, and they are valid. But loving someone is easy when it’s the Hallmark moments. You’ll never see your statement in a Hallmark card…
So… let’s create reflections about caregiving that will never make a Hallmark card. Reflections like:
I dreamed of your diarrhea last night.
I’d love to throw the wheelchair out the back door.
At times, I’m not sure which of us has dementia.
My difficult days have given me a butt bigger than I could ever imagine.
Feel free to share your reflection in our comments section, below. We’ll award a winner a copy of Good Morning! Sunny Reflections to Start Your Day. We’ll choose a winner on Thursday so be sure to share before then.
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G-J said on March 26, 2012
Oh my gosh, Denise! Your suggestions of non-Hallmark cards are great!
I’m going from the cards that would never be made to give a caregiver. Here are a few ideas:
- I’d love to trade lives with you!
- I envy the fun you’re having!
- Can’t wait until I can be a caregiver!
- You must have been so excited by the diagnosis!
Denise said on March 26, 2012
Oh, my, G-J, these made me laugh!! What a hoot!
Trish said on March 26, 2012
Denise, I about fell out of my chair when I read yours and then finished the fall reading G-J’s! I started to write a few from a sibling caregiver point of view but they were coming out too dark. I’ll just enjoy the laughs from the two of you.
Bonnie said on March 26, 2012
How about:
1) Please do not ever thank me for all that I do, it should be expected
2) (to sibilings) Thinking of you – as you seem to have forgotten about me.
3) May your days be bright and you nights peaceful, especially on the days you remember which is which.
4) From your Daughter (inside) yes you have a daughter (on the back) really you do, you have a daughter
Jan said on March 27, 2012
Okay, when I signed up for this cruise, nobody told me about the diarrhea… Denise, from your list I’d swear you were reading my mind. Going on 4 weeks of the Big D…
Here are some from my world:
Who are you and what have you done with my mother?
Caregiving means always having to say you’re sorry.
That was then, this is now. And tomorrow will be then now too. I think…
Sleep is for sissies.
ejourneys said on March 27, 2012
Oh, these are wonderful! Here are mine:
1. Hoarders have the best pickup lines.
2. I’ve been thinking of you. But the whole town isn’t.
3. Bumper sticker: Gone off on tangents.
4. Our love is timeless. Because time’s gotten the heck outta Dodge.
Jane said on March 27, 2012
I love all of these non-hallmark lines… Tom’s post really touched me because sometimes I also feel like a hypocrite. I love Nicole so very much but sometimes I don’t want to because it is so hard on some days. I know that you all have the same feelings.
I think it would be great if Hallmark or somebody came out with a line of cards especially for caregivers.
Hugs;o)
Jane ~ mom to Nicole, 17 yo, VSD, PAH, Eisenmengers (dx 1/22/10) BHJS (dx 2/4/11)
“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
Kat said on March 27, 2012
Brilliant! Looks like you’ve stumbled onto something. there’s clearly a market.
kat
http://www.mydementedmom.com
Francine said on March 27, 2012
- You’re such a giving spouse – first you gave me stroke to eal with, then your diabetes, then your bedsores, etc., etc. Can’t wait to see what’s next!
-I have a princess life – Cinderella! I wait on you hand a foot with no thanks!
- I didn’t sign up for this!
- To the man in my house….what did you do with my husband??
-To all my family and “friends” that have left my life since my husband’s stroke…wish you were here – it’s a very lonely life without you!
Francine said on March 27, 2012
opps – should be stroke to deal with
Tom said on March 27, 2012
Absesses make the heart grow fonder.
If you love someone, set them free. If they wander off, it’s probably dementia. But hey, at least they can still walk.
All the colors of the rainbow shine in your prescription bottles.
Love is the best medicine, except for the pain killers. I think those might be best right now.
Are those butterflies in my stomach, or is it just the chemo drip?
Kathy said on March 28, 2012
On our anniversary I just want you to know that it’s the little things that make our relationship so exciting.
Like when you say my name,
and get it right.
Trish said on March 29, 2012
Okay, I’ll do one (even though it feels dark and not quite “okay” for me but I think we have to acknowledge both the good and the bad, right? – Looking for validation.
)
There’s no greater bond than that of siblings, little brother. I’d say after wiping your bottom, cleaning your ears, clipping your toe nails and scolding you for taking bites that are way too big, we’re as close as any. Thanks for letting me take care of you!
Tom said on March 29, 2012
Trish is officially validated !
You got the reality thing goin’ on.
I had to erase a couple of my much darker ones. : )
Denise said on March 29, 2012
Ah, Trish, I think there’s a sweetness to yours–it reflects your commitment to your brother and the respect you have for him and your caregiving role. You’re good.
FYI: It took me a few hours to get this post right. I wrote out a few reflections (eliminated them because they were just not right), took a walk and then posted. So, I know exactly what you’re saying. It’s good to talk about the hard parts and it’s also good to remember there’s a person (a caree) on the other side of the hard parts.
Trish said on March 29, 2012
I thought your post was perfect (your line about the butt getting bigger made me laugh out loud!). What’s so wonderful about this site is that we can say these things — really be honest — and not be judged. Thank you for creating that, Denise.
Plus, we get validated when we ask for it!
(Thanks, Tom!!).
Unit Known as Shandi said on March 31, 2012
I only check in every week or two, so I didn’t discover this thread until today. Denise, you had me rolling with laughter. Pretty funny stuff. Some of the other “Hallmark” sentiments were pretty great, too! I was thinking that, just like birthday cards, we could have a funny card section, a serious card section, and a religious card section. Caregiving is like that. It can be hilariously funny, deeply emotional, and amazingly spiritual! I’d also like to add a line of encouraging cards just for caregivers to our card shop…”hang in there” messages, from those of us that have been there and really understand the reality (and the importance) of caregiving. That section might say things like:
“Hang in there. Someday, when you look back on this day and this moment, you will realize it was all worth it.”
“Make every moment count…you are building memories that will last a lifetime and beyond.”
“Your caree is a unique, special and wonderful person…and so are you.”
I’m sure I could keep going, and I don’t feel these are very inspired, but I’ll try again later! Have a wonderful weekend, everyone.