An Empty Spot
Jul 30 2012 in Bette's Blog, Caring for Parents and Kids by Bette
Thank you so much for all your kind words and condolences. We arrived back in Pennsylvania this afternoon.
It was hard leaving my mother in Maine. I’ve been her voice for quite some time and there was no need to leave a voice there with her.
Her funeral was very nice. She would have loved to see those who came, including Karyn who was in one of my mother’s first grade Sunday School classes. She is now forty-two. She flew in from Texas to sing at the funeral.
Denise was such an amazing support; I was so grateful to have her here in Pennsylvania with me and then in Maine. She thought of things that would have been missed had she not been there.
I wanted to share what I was able to say at the funeral. I was very nervous, but knew these were words that needed to be spoken on my mother’s behalf:
“When my mother left Maine to live in Rhode Island, she had to leave behind a very special group of people each of you, who she loved so much. Thank you for being here today. Her move was an adjustment for both of us. People would often comment about the care we provided for her. As my mother needed more care, I realized she had been providing all along what I needed, providing care for me. I wanted to share a few of those life long gifts that she gave to me:
*My mother introduced me to friends that I would have never had the opportunity to meet. Friendships from those involved in her care.
*She was responsible for a support group for caregivers that began in Pennsylvania. A group that will continue on because of her inspiration.
*She helped me find my voice, a voice that began in speaking up for her and her needs.
*She also gave me a place. I learned so much about myself and what I enjoyed doing.
So over the last few days I’ve been trying to think about what I can continue to do for her. I can pray and thank God daily for the opportunities my mother so graciously provided for me.
I love you Mom and will miss you so very much.”
Coming through the door this afternoon was so difficult. I decided this evening I was going to open up her rooms in the morning and close them at night, just as I’ve done for so long, leaving lights on as needed.
On our way back from Maine we stopped in Rhode Island. We were able to get together with friends. I was explaining to a friend about feeling as though I had an empty place inside me, and I was trying to understand how to fill that spot. She commented that maybe the spot was to fill in, in time, on its own. That maybe it wasn’t suppose to be filled by anything. Another friend who was there and had lost her husband years ago, offered this to me; she said, “Grief is like throwing up – you don’t want to and yet you feel better after grieving”.
We’ll take one day at a time here. My mother has been such an important part of our lives and my mind for a very long time. She was a constant, a presence that I loved leaning on, always there when needed at just the right time.
I’m grateful I was with her when she passed away. I know if she were here she’d listen and console, so with these in mind, I know I can move forward, with the reassurance that moving slowly is just fine.
I’m so grateful for Caregiving.com; being able to offer help here as Denise needs, for feeling a part of a very special group of people where I feel like I belong. Caregiving provides so many life lessons.
I’m grateful for AfterGiving.com as well. I know I’ll only be a “click” away from each of you.
ejourneys said on July 31, 2012
Bette, your eulogy is beautiful. I’m thankful for all the love you received in Maine and on the road.
Grief is. Whatever you do, however you feel, is absolutely right. That doesn’t make it any less painful or any easier to understand. You and yours have been and continue to be extraordinary blessings, and that goes on, one day at a time. It is okay to just Be. *Hugs*
carlaschuchman said on July 31, 2012
Bette, Your words are so real and touching to me. As I sit here in the dark early hours of morning, I cry. I don’t know why other than I know I am learning and growing through the pain and joy of all that happens caring for my mother in law and my husband. Thank you for sharing and God Bless you and keep you!
Jo said on July 31, 2012
Hugs Bette,
Continuing to pray for you and your family.
You’re going to find that grieving is another journey and much like the one you just completed, it will make its own demands on you. One of the more helpful analogies used is that of being at a beach standing in the surf. If you fight the waves you’ll be swept off of your feet. You have to lean into the waves. Feelings of loss will often come in waves, out of no where, when you least expect them. Lean into them.
Know that you mean a great deal to all of us here.
Sharon said on July 31, 2012
Bette, I once again want to say how sorry I am about your loss. You were a wonderful daughter to your Mom. I so agree with everything Jo said. Expect grief, lean into it. Don’t try to “fill up” the empty place in your heart. Take time to grieve. There will always be an ache when you think about missing your Mom, but I know God will use your experience in other people’s lives. First, however, take time to be still, reflect, and grieve.
Meryl said on July 31, 2012
Bette, I am really sorry for the loss of your Mom. I hope you and your family find peace and comfort knowing how beautiful of a voice you were to your Mom and how lucky the bond you two shared.
((hugs))
Wendy said on August 1, 2012
Bette, My thoughts are with you also-just reading your post reminded me of the loss of my wonderful Mother. I never thought I would recover but time certainly helps but the pain is always there in the background . Mommy died in 1973 and now I try to live her example as a patient,loving,forgiving, kind and gentle wife and mother and grandmother. This is how I honor the best (to me!) mother in the world!! God will help and strengthen you during this greiving period, just hang on!! Love you!!!!
G-J said on August 1, 2012
Bette,
My heart goes out to you and your family. Although there were some challenges recently, you never gave up caring for your mom at home. What an inspiration and example you and your family have set!
I recall that you have commented a few times on your past relationship with your mother. What a gift that you have had this time in the more recent years to develop a new relationship with your mother.
I look at grieving as entering a forest. It’s dark and you’re surrounded by trees that are almost smothering you. People you know, who have walked in this same forest, reach out to you and help you through the dark and scary parts. Although our paths are different, once we’ve entered the forest, it is our duty to reach out to the others we know and help them along their path. Know that the will reach a clearing in the forest one day. Although I’m 3,000 miles away, I am reaching out to help you now.
Kathy said on August 1, 2012
Bette,
I’m having a difficult time finding the words to express how my heart aches for you and your family.
You are certainly a woman of great faith demonstrated through love and grace.
A wonderfully compassionate daughter, mother wife and friend.
I’ve learned so much from you and your experience with dementia.
Margaret’s service sounded lovely. I’m happy you were able to take her where she loved and wanted to be.
Now your new journey begins. I have no doubts that you will come through stronger and more bonded with your family.
Take the time you need to grieve. Everyone goes at a different pace. When my mother passed away I found the hardest times of grief to be the odd ones. A song on the radio, a woman in the store with the same color red hair, the color purple on dishes, an expression one of my children would make. I probably found these to be the strangest because my mother and I never had the best relationship until the last 10 yrs of her life. I suppose I remember the random moments the most. Don’t be surprised when it happens, it’s ok and you will be okay.
The pain will eventually make way for pangs but the sadness will be replaced by good memories and smiles from your heart.
You may laugh when I say this but I also found it easier to say my mother died or passed away. I started this when my grandmother passed because it always felt like it was my fault when I said I lost her. Kind of like I was responsible for her being gone. Silly I know but it makes me feel better.
Cliche I do know but time is a healer. As long as you are moving forward and not getting stuck in your grief your heart will heal if you allow it.
Keeping you all in prayer Bette
Trish said on August 2, 2012
Bette, My heart goes out to you and your family. I echo the support from everyone else here and am sending you strength to get through your grief. It will come in waves as Jo says. Your eulogy was beautiful as was your efforts with your mom over these last several years. You are admired and an inspiration. Sending hugs to you and your family.
Denise said on August 3, 2012
Hi Bette–Your mom keeps her spot because she keeps your heart. Your eulogy was wonderful.