Thoughts about Hot Topics…
Aug 9 2012 in Jane's Blog by Jane
I have talked with Denise and have struggled for a long time with procrastination. I believe that I am a well-organized person but because I don’t do the up keep of this I sabotage my organization and time management skills. I guess there are some other things thrown in such as self-control and discipline which I do lack.
I have also struggled with blowing things out of proportion that aren’t really important in the big scheme of things and minimize those that are such as Nicole’s illness and put important things on the back burner and putting non-important things ahead of them.
During the Hot Topics show, I believe it was Richard who said he tends to blow things out of proportion. I know I do this with a lot of daily things. In the chat room, PeggiKaye wrote that she tends to minimize things because this allows you not to admit or feel things. I made a comment to this saying I do this when it comes to Nicole’s illness/health issues as a whole… meaning the enormity of it, there is no cure, it is progressive, she won’t get better etc. Denise said that it is too big for our heart and how could our heart take it on. I realized at this moment and it was like a kick in the gut this is why I procrastinate with the things I need to do with Nicole’s illness and even probably my clutter in some ways.
I know that, for the most part, I can handle the day-to-day things but when I look to the future I lose it. Maybe, I also don’t do what I need to do because the end result will be the same. I will lose Nicole to this disease… I will get rid of the clutter and lose our house… I will work hard to get certified as a pharmacy tech and then can’t find a job because of age or lack of experience etc. I can only attribute these feelings to other times in my life that I have suffered losses.
In the book “The Four Agreements” the fourth agreement is “always do your best”. I do not do this. I am not being hard on myself or putting myself down. I just know in my heart and gut that I don’t and unfortunately, this probably covers all areas of my life. It seems like I am so busy doing so many different things that I don’t spend the time I need to do anything right and either I waste my time by having to do something to correct it or waste money buying something that I already had because I have such disorganization with “stuff” that I don’t know what I have.
I also know that I blow things out of proportion. I think a lot of times these things don’t matter much. I will use Monday as an example. After Nicole disconnected her pump again and I yelled at her and she yelled back at me I came back in the room and saw her wiping the inside of the cap of the pump with alcohol and I said what are you doing you could get alcohol in your medicine… this for one was stupid on so many levels… one it was going to increase Nicole’s anxiety and make her cry, worry etc. I didn’t need to say this.
I feel bad and I worry that the whole episode with the tubing is leading to a site infection. The catheter is attached to a plastic covering which is attached to Nicole’s abdomen. At the injection site there is a little clear, round window not much bigger than a pencil eraser. I had to help Nicole change her dressing yesterday after she took a shower and I noticed it was very red. She said it doesn’t hurt at the site which is good and she doesn’t have a fever but I still worry. The nurse will be here today so we will see what her recommendation is. I worry that she will have to change her site after only two weeks and go through all of the pain all over again.
Denise said on August 9, 2012
Hi Jane–”Why bother?” is a tough one–because it sucks you into believing how things were is how things will be. It also is a thought that initially can protect us (it keeps us from taking risks, which means we can’t fail so we don’t get hurt) until it eventually just damages us.
I’ve had times when I’ve thought, “Why bother?” What keeps me bothering is that I just don’t want to start from zero. I know I’ll have times when I’ll have to start over but if I can start over from 10 rather than zero, I feel so much better. Day by day, I make progress. Some days more than others. But day by day I make progress.
The “Why bother?” for me used to come with weight and exercise. I believed there was no point until a point suddenly appeared and I wished I had bothered. Now, I bother because I want to be ready.
The future can be horribly scary, Jane. Except that right now you’re in today and you have Nicole and you have time. The worst part of “Why bother?” is that it wastes your time. You can’t waste time, Jane. Today’s the best day to bother by making great use of your time. You are so worth the bother.
carol beebe said on August 9, 2012
1. sometimes you just have to accept that you are doing, perhaps not “the best possible” but “the best I can” (at this moment and with these circumstances, etc)
2. aint nothing wrong with denial. it can get us to focus on today.
3. at least for me, i am bad at choosing what to worry about. if i worried about someone getting an infection, for sure they would not get that infection, someyhing else might happen, but the worry about the infection did not help me prepare for whatever did happen and i would tell myself, ” now you’ve wasted a perfectly good worry for nothing” eventually i started using that experience to help.me worry less – no point in it – i seem to choose the wrong things to worry about
ejourneys said on August 9, 2012
Jane, I get into that “Why bother?” space, too. The future that gets me down is one where I care for my partner for the next 40+ years (her grandmothers both lived into their upper 90s and her mother is in her 90s) if it doesn’t kill me first. Given that longevity, I also see us losing everything.
Sometimes thoughts of that future paralyze me for days on end. And then I have to get back to the present. Eventually I tell myself that if this actually is our future, I can approach it by being inert, or I can live life as fully as I can in the moment, because ultimately it makes no difference. Or, rather, it makes a difference in the quality of our passage, at the very least.
Past losses influence me a lot, too, but they also help me bounce back. As challenging as my life currently is, I would still take it over parts of my past life in a flash. I take comfort in the fact that I’ve gotten as far as I have, which is truly beyond my wildest dreams. When I was a kid, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t live past my 20s.
I also need to watch out for stress and fatigue. They can beat me down in a flash.
You are definitely worth the bother, Jane. You and Nicole make the world a better place just by being who you are and doing what you do. You both affect more lives than you know, and it ripples outward.
G-J said on August 11, 2012
Jane,
I also understand the “why bother” feelings. It’s like wrapping presents, because in a way, why bother if they are going to soon be unwrapped? The truth is it’s because we care and want things to be the best we can make them.
You are doing a phenomenal job, and don’t want the “why bother” attitude to rub off on Nicole. I know it’s hard to be positive and encouraging enough for you and her but that you can do it. You don’t want Nicole wondering why she should bother with school or taking the medication.
Bil Keane, creator of the “Family Circus” comic strip is credited with the saying, “Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” I know you’re worried about the future, so focus on the gift you have of today. Do fun things with Nicole! Get your husband involved so he can lend a hand. It won’t hurt to have another person who knows what needs to be done. Jane, the day you’re collecting your “Gator Mom of the Year” award, you’ll need him to help Nicole!