I have talked with Denise and have struggled for a long time with procrastination. I believe that I am a well-organized person but because I don’t do the up keep of this I sabotage my organization and time management skills. I guess there are some other things thrown in such as self-control and discipline which I do lack.
I have also struggled with blowing things out of proportion that aren’t really important in the big scheme of things and minimize those that are such as Nicole’s illness and put important things on the back burner and putting non-important things ahead of them.
During the Hot Topics show, I believe it was Richard who said he tends to blow things out of proportion. I know I do this with a lot of daily things. In the chat room, PeggiKaye wrote that she tends to minimize things because this allows you not to admit or feel things. I made a comment to this saying I do this when it comes to Nicole’s illness/health issues as a whole… meaning the enormity of it, there is no cure, it is progressive, she won’t get better etc. Denise said that it is too big for our heart and how could our heart take it on. I realized at this moment and it was like a kick in the gut this is why I procrastinate with the things I need to do with Nicole’s illness and even probably my clutter in some ways.
I know that, for the most part, I can handle the day-to-day things but when I look to the future I lose it. Maybe, I also don’t do what I need to do because the end result will be the same. I will lose Nicole to this disease… I will get rid of the clutter and lose our house… I will work hard to get certified as a pharmacy tech and then can’t find a job because of age or lack of experience etc. I can only attribute these feelings to other times in my life that I have suffered losses.
In the book “The Four Agreements” the fourth agreement is “always do your best”. I do not do this. I am not being hard on myself or putting myself down. I just know in my heart and gut that I don’t and unfortunately, this probably covers all areas of my life. It seems like I am so busy doing so many different things that I don’t spend the time I need to do anything right and either I waste my time by having to do something to correct it or waste money buying something that I already had because I have such disorganization with “stuff” that I don’t know what I have.
I also know that I blow things out of proportion. I think a lot of times these things don’t matter much. I will use Monday as an example. After Nicole disconnected her pump again and I yelled at her and she yelled back at me I came back in the room and saw her wiping the inside of the cap of the pump with alcohol and I said what are you doing you could get alcohol in your medicine… this for one was stupid on so many levels… one it was going to increase Nicole’s anxiety and make her cry, worry etc. I didn’t need to say this.
I feel bad and I worry that the whole episode with the tubing is leading to a site infection. The catheter is attached to a plastic covering which is attached to Nicole’s abdomen. At the injection site there is a little clear, round window not much bigger than a pencil eraser. I had to help Nicole change her dressing yesterday after she took a shower and I noticed it was very red. She said it doesn’t hurt at the site which is good and she doesn’t have a fever but I still worry. The nurse will be here today so we will see what her recommendation is. I worry that she will have to change her site after only two weeks and go through all of the pain all over again.