I Just Don’t Get It…
Sep 28 2012 in Meryl's Blog by Meryl
A few weeks ago Mom was told that the catheter for dialysis is clogged and needs to be cleaned since it is not running to full capacity. Nothing has been done since then so we figured it was better. Today I get a phone call from Mom that she needs to go to an access place to have the catheter cleaned and she needs to have someone go with her. I asked if she can make the appointment for the weekend and the doctor had told her next Saturday. Now all of a sudden the appointment is changed to this upcoming Tuesday.
Right now is my busy season at work up until October 15th. No one ever calls my brother for anything. It’s always me. I asked her to call him and she refuses so again it all gets dumped on me. Mom can have someone go with her from the nursing home but that costs money and she doesn’t have it and I can’t do anything right now because I am still trying to dig myself out of this mess that happened to me several months ago.
I got clearance from my job to go with Mom and right after that Mom calls my brother to see what he says. If she already knew I was going why would she call him since she already knew what his answer would be.
I pay for everything for her. I pay for what she needs when she was in the hospital, snacks and whatever else.
Lately I have been so overwhelmed and forgetful that I missed the August payment to the nursing home for her pension and also when writing out the check to send for her pension I inadvertently transposed the numbers so now I have to come up with that as well. I decided to have the pension checks sent to the house and I will mail it there instead of going into her account and having to deposit/withdraw and then write out a check. I haven’t been feeling well again and have another doctor’s appointment on Tuesday evening for a check-up.
I try to take a deep breath now when this stuff happens but again the phone calls from mom and the nursing home become too overwhelming for me.
It always boggles my mind how my brother can live so easily and not give a damn but here I am worried about everyone and everything.
ejourneys said on September 28, 2012
Meryl, getting your mom’s pension checks sent to the house is a good move — anything that can help simplify things and cut down on the frustration.
It used to drive me nuts — especially when we lived up north and costs were so much higher — that I paid for everything for my partner and she just didn’t seem to care. I now realize that she does care, but that she also feels frustrated by her debilitation. I think her frustration paralyzed her, and her paralysis came out looking like apathy (and a lot of criticism of me).
I hope everything goes well with the catheter cleaning and with your own appointment. Good for you for getting that check-up.
Denise said on September 29, 2012
Hi–I’m so sorry for all the frustrations. It’s awful when the stress builds up to the point where the mistakes happen. Just adds more stress!!
I so hope you and your mom get a break this weekend and can enjoy good moments together.
Kare said on September 29, 2012
Meryl- I’m so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed right now. I understand that feeling very well. My situation is different and easier in that my mother,brother and I now live under the same roof. When my mother was in rehab for a month,I found it could be frustrating,when she’d call for this or that. But I am so lucky to have a brother who is willing and able to share in the care of our mother. I would feel very put upon if I had to deal with all of this by myself. It must be very stressful for you,especially when you have your job to consider and all your own issues to deal with. I hope you can find a way to balance all those needs. I hope you are feeling better and that your doctor’s appointment goes okay. I’m thinking of you.
Bette said on October 3, 2012
Hi Meryl,
I’m so sorry for the challenges that continue to come. I hope once your mom has her appointment that all will work as it should. I’m glad you have an appointment as well. Please let us know how you both are doing when you can.
I know the frustrations you feel with your brother. I always felt as though my brothers “wouldn’t” but after coaching sessions with Denise, I was able to change that word to “couldn’t” or “can’t”. It helped me let go of what I think would have started to effect me health-wise. I remember when they would call to talk with me or my mother – oh, the frustration I would feel!! It started to effect my relationship with my mother too.
Not that this is easy (at all), but I so encourage you to begin letting go of what you see with your brother. It will effect you Meryl – in ways that sneak up on us, when we least expect it.
I have one brother in particular that I just don’t understand. He told me one time that he had to take care of his “immediate family” – and couldn’t add the stress of caring for my mother.
There are some lingering frustrations; I rest in knowing I got the time with my mother – he chose to not have that and he’ll never have another chance.
You are doing great Meryl. You care for your mom, you show her what she taught you about family, please be diligent in taking care of you too.
Thank you for this update. Thinking of you and, understanding.