Mom Is So Different Now
Sep 21 2012 in Kare's Blog by Kare
(Editor’s Note: We welcome a new blogger today. Kare joined our site about 11 days ago; you can learn more about her on her profile.)
I am the daughter of an 83-year-old lady who has had severe cardiac disease for 20 plus year years. On February 13 she had emergency surgery which left her with an ileostomy. Her health was poor before the surgery and it’s a miracle she even made it this far. But she is much weaker now and I don’t want her getting out of bed without either me or my brother helping her.
I have lived with mom for years and my brother, Brian, moved in with us after my oldest brother died on January 11, 2012. It has been such a blessing to have my brother here. He can’t help with a lot of my mother’s care, but he does so much else with upkeep and he cooks a bit, too.
I know my mom is frustrated with her declining health and having to ask for help with things. But I have been surprised by some of the things she says which can be just plain mean. She has, through the years, been sharp-tongued at times but since her surgery she has been very impatient with me and my brother.
When I’m tired, which I often am, I find my resistance to her comments and anger is poor and I’m apt to snap back at her, which I DON’T want to do. My mother and I have always been super close, much too wrapped up in each other. I never had kids, so she has been the only family I have. She’s usually appreciative of what I do but then, out of nowhere, she criticizes me for this or that and it gets to me. I thought I had thicker skin than that but I guess not.
Before my brother died and my mother had this emergency surgery, I was already being treated for an anxiety disorder as well as depression. I’m finding, as I guess should be expected, that my anxiety level has gotten so much worse. Dealing with her ostomy and the leaks she gets TOO often has me in knots though I try not to show it.
She gets upset if she senses I am and I don’t want that added stress on her. Brian can’t help with this aspect of her care so it’s all on my shoulders.
Before this all happened, I had trouble getting anything done especially if it meant leaving the house. Now, with mom’s worsening health, there are more trips to doctors or back and forth to the hospital so I have to be out and about much more than I’m used to. This also increases my stress level. I can’t go to my psychiatrist anymore for support because I can no longer afford to. I may need to go off some meds for the same reason.
Anyway, I went looking for support on line and found caregiving.com. I am still kind of lost as to how to navigate the site but I’m learning. It helps to have somewhere to go to express my frustration. Thank for listening.
Denise said on September 21, 2012
Hi Kare–I’m so glad you’ve joined us and have started blogging.
You sound like you have a heart of gold.
I wonder if perhaps your mom is really worried about you and the impact of her care needs on you, which is why she snaps. When you both are enjoying a quiet moment, would you feel comfortable asking her what makes her angry? Perhaps you could both talk out the stress you both feel and then come to an agreement on how to handle the bad moments you’ll both have. You both will have both moments–it’s just impossible not to. So, if your mom is having one, perhaps you can agree that you’ll both take some time and space.
You’ve really taken on a lot. When you feel stressed, how do you cope?
I hope you can continue to get the care you need. In case you aren’t aware of it, there’s a site called Needy Meds that shares resources to help with the costs of meds: http://www.needymeds.org/
I’m looking forward to getting to know you better.
Kare said on September 24, 2012
My coping mechanism isn’t a very healthy one,I’m afraid. I sleep! lol My meds make me tired and the added stress probably adds to it. There’s a line in a James Taylor song,” sleep,come free me” I can definitely relate to feeling that a nap is an escape. As far as talking to my mother,when we’re both in a calm state. That’s a good idea,something I wouldn’t necessarily think of when the waters are calm. She is normally a reasonable person. I think she would be open to coming up with a plan. Thank you,Denise.
Denise said on September 21, 2012
I forgot to mention: We have a chat on the site for new members on Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET (7 p.m. CT, 5 p.m. PT). Just log into your account and then click on the blue bar on your right. It’s a nice way to get to know some of the other members and ask for help navigating the site.
kristin said on September 21, 2012
Hi Kare, and welcome to the Caregiving.com community! You are going to find lots of support here, and it sure sounds like you need it now. You have so much on your shoulders. The woman I took care of for 3 1/2 years, Mary, (deceased in July) sounds a lot like your mother, and I have a couple of comments:
Regarding your mother’s increased anger and lashing out at you, many people, especially the elderly, show changes after having had anesthesia. These changes can be physical, emotional or behavioral. In Mary’s case, she showed a lower frustration tolerance and also was nastier. Very soon, it became apparent that the ordeal of the surgery had triggered dementia. Just something to watch for. I wonder if your mother would be amenable to taking an antidepressant. Another source, btw, for free meds is the drug maker itself. For several years, I received an antidepressant free from the company.
About the ileostomy, it should NOT be leaking so much. Mary had a colostomy, so I am really familiar with ostomy care. Either your mother’s fit or type of bag is wrong, or it’s just being put on wrong. Old skin can present a challenge to getting the bag to adhere properly. The major fights Mary and I had occurred during bag changes. She just couldn’t do it right anymore and wouldn’t believe I knew the right way. She was having blowouts frequently. The first thing we did was get the public health nurse out to show Mary the proper way to do it. Then we called the bag company and eventually ended up changing the type of bag Mary wore. Success! You can get a lot of help from ConvaTec, the major colostomy bag manufacturer. 1-800-422-8811. They are SO nice and helpful.
Good luck to you. And your brother. How wonderful that you have his support.
Kare said on September 24, 2012
Kristen,
My mother is on antidepressants and has been for years. When I was thinking about it more,I decided a lot of mom’s outbursts are from pure frustration and anger at her/ our situation. The leaky ileostomy,I’m afraid,is my doing. I’ve had 2 ,no 3 different ostomy nurses show me how to do things. I took notes and have had PLENTY of practice,but I must still be doing something wrong. She has a VERY active ostomy and It has been a challenge to get all the prep done,before ” things ” happen,if you know what I mean. Mom does all her emptying,but she needs me to do the actual changes. I did get kits from different companies. Maybe I’ll need to contact them again for new kits and start from scratch. Thanks for the tel.# and input.
Kathy said on September 21, 2012
Hi Kare,
Welcome to caregiving.com. We are glad you found us.
I’m a caregiver for my husband who was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia in 2007.
I worry about him walking around too but he gets so frustrated with my hovering over him.
It’s been very difficult for him to feel like he has lost all his independence and for me to just get out of his “space” when being there feels so important to his safety.
I’m glad you have your brother there also. Sounds like the makings of a good team, each doing their part
Kare said on September 24, 2012
Kathy,
It sounds like you,too,are trying to find the right balance in dealing with your husband. Men ( and mothers!) like to feel they’re in charge and feeling so out of control must be so frustrating for them. Mom fell on Labor Day,so I’m pretty nervous about her even being able to judge how steady she feels. Thank you for your kind words and support.
Kare
ejourneys said on September 21, 2012
Hi, Kare — Welcome to caregiving.com. This is a wonderful, supportive community and it has saved my sanity.
It’s also a great place to vent.
I care for my partner, who has MS that acts like traumatic brain injury and that can look like schizophrenia. She can snap at me for any one of a number of reasons — mood swings and impulsivity (and other things) are part of her condition. I had to find a way to detach myself emotionally so that I didn’t take her behavior personally. It wasn’t her talking, it was her disorder talking. Taking that attitude has helped me tremendously. I can still feel hurt, but it’s tempered more.
Kudos to you and your brother for your caregiving and teamwork. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the resources named above are helpful and can help alleviate some of the stress.
Kare said on September 24, 2012
Ejourneys– I’m sorry you have so much to deal with. You’re advice is so helpful. I have not been very successful in the ‘detaching’ department! lol I DO think I’ll be getting a LOT of practice in it. Actually,my mother and I have a history of doing an awful lot of laughing. We can get pretty silly. Her attitude is generally more positive than not. It’s just not like her to say some of the things she does,but she’s still doing her own adjusting. She lost her firstborn and 3 weeks later faced life changing surgery. Thanks for sharing your experiences with me.
Kare
Family Caregiving Solutions LLC said on September 21, 2012
Kare,
First let me say tha I am very impressed with your commitment to the care of your mother.
I can remember when my mother got ill feeling very much the same way. I was so tired and I felt bad that I wanted a break.
Know this-your mom needs you to be the healthiest person you can be right now! You need to take care of yourself or pretty soon you will both need help. Have you tried Hospice? they can come in and give you some relief even if it only a few hours a couple of days a week, its so important that you have a break and your mom will tell more to a hospice nurse than to you, you would be amazed at how well most people adapt to having them come in.
More than likely your mom’s stress is from her own frustrations of feeling limited due to her recent procedure, I know its easy for me to say but try and let it roll off your back when you can, she is comfortable with you and she knows you will never leave so she speaks without a filter.
I have some good ideas to relieve stress, I hope these will help
1) Take 5.. walk away and breath a minute even if things are intense taking 5 minutes can make a world of difference
2) Exercise! it releases endorphins which calms you, so get a set of head phones and take a long walk
3) Music, find some relaxing music and play it through the house, it may help you and your mom
I hope some of these help (= remember your no good to your mom if you do not take care of yourself
Kare said on September 24, 2012
FCS– I’m sorry your Mom died. I don’t know if I’ll be able to cope with that when it happens.
Your suggestions for relieving stress are just great! All of them sound doable. I used to listen to music all the time at work,but since my disability retirement,6 years ago, I rarely listen anymore. I used to love it,too.
Right now,we have the VNA coming a couple of times a week,but they just check her vitals and then,are on their way. I don’t know if she qualifies for hospice. Maybe I should have that discussion with her doctor.
Thanks for your input! Kare
Bette said on September 24, 2012
Hi Kare,
Welcome to Caregiving.com! I cared for my mother for several years at home – she passed away in July. I found this wonderful support nearly three years ago.
I’m so sorry about your brother and now, the challenges with your mom. I’m grateful that you have Brian for company and for the added help needed.
The snapping can be so hurtful. I use to think the same about the “tough skin”. I’m not sure it’s possible for a caregiver to develop it – understanding, yes, but tough…you are so kind in the care and concern you have for your mom. I hope you are able to understand about the snapping, so that you will know, it’s not you.
I look forward to getting to know you and your family. You will find wonderful resources, help and support here. You need to be able to remember your needs too and we will all keep you accountable for that (:
Thank you for writing and I look forward to hearing more.
Kare said on September 24, 2012
Bette,
First,I’m sorry for your loss. It’s so recent. I think,with everyone’s help,I have a better handle on handling my mom’s outbursts. It’s funny,but she hasn’t had one since before I joined here! The support definitely makes a difference. Thank you so much. Kare